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Thread: ROOM

  1. #11
    I loved the piano keys imagery here – the grotesqueness of the old teeth image followed by the peas taking the reader right back to childhood discipline (a fairly universal image of childhood!).

    Totally agreed with your edits as well, I also wanted to lose cobalt blue in the original – it seems a lot more evocative with the barer bones of the words.

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    EDIT

    ROOM (pending for change in title bar)

    That room
    no larger than a tall, fat man’s shadow
    where there was no fresh air but just - cut but?
    the reek of cheap perfume…

    “Evening in Paris” samples
    set on the dresser,
    aligned
    like her sooty piano keys, - cut her?
    neglected teeth and rosary beads.

    Those bottles and nothing more
    all lined up on that wooden bureau.

    Nothing left in that room except for a sunken bed
    which I have no recollection of sleeping or dreaming in. - cut which?
    And a window, small and square, where ever and a day knocked. - a small square window where ever and a day knocked?

    I stared out that learnt window
    where tree tops must have joined that sky which became - at tree tops and sky, an ashy forever
    an ashy forever, with not one white fluff to shift direction from. - not one white fluff to shift direction

    Stiff, I must have been, like a plastic doll that could not blink - cut I must have been?
    looking out at that farness, that leaden sky, that ceaseless calendar. - cut out, that, that that?

    I have no idea why Mumsy locked me in that room
    the day after my mother died.
    Great work, just suggestions, but loved it.

  3. #13
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fspecter View Post
    I loved the piano keys imagery here – the grotesqueness of the old teeth image followed by the peas taking the reader right back to childhood discipline (a fairly universal image of childhood!).

    Totally agreed with your edits as well, I also wanted to lose cobalt blue in the original – it seems a lot more evocative with the barer bones of the words.
    Thanks, fspecter! Glad you liked the small stream of imagery atop that bureau. And, yep. In this case, less is more. So pleased you liked. Laurie

    Quote Originally Posted by dannyboy View Post
    Great work, just suggestions, but loved it.
    Some keen edits! Consider it done.
    cut out, that, that that?
    About the sequences. They were very deliberate. Most importantly, her strong emphasis of "that" is meant to be translated as a "thing". The stuff of being trapped. The repeating is meant to emphasis her anger - her way of cursing, screaming at THAT. Hope this makes sense? Thanks, Danny
    Last edited by SilverMoon; May 22nd, 2019 at 01:02 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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