Intersubjectivity


Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Intersubjectivity

  1. #1

    Intersubjectivity

    Once when I was running,
    Everything around was unmoving,
    Feeling lost in seeing the beauty of the world,
    All I wanted to do was keep running.

    Then I met someone,
    Whom lend me his ears,
    To hear the water, birds and trees breathing;
    Whom lend me his eyes,
    To see the orange sunsets on the lake shinning;
    Whom lend me his soul,
    To feel calm and peace for the first time being;

    So strangely I am no longer escaping,
    Instead I am mirroring and becoming,
    Mirroring to see a part of myself that Iíve never discovered.
    Becoming the beauty I once lost to see
    Through thee expression in his eyes, I learn to love self and others
    And all Iíve yet to be.

    ---------
    this is my first poem ever. Any suggestion/comment would be great

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Jing Joy View Post

    Once when I was running, First line reads like standard prose.
    Everything around was unmoving, This line I like the concept of rushing through a still world.
    Feeling lost in seeing the beauty of the world, Illustrate this fact. Don't make a bald statement. People have five senses use them. The feel of the wind, the sound of the trees, the birds, shoes against the ground, the imagery of the sun, the sky, the clouds, the feel of the air. Consider the world and show it to the reader.
    All I wanted to do was keep running. This line is irrelevant and does not lend much to the piece. Does it hurt anything no, but is it the best use of a finite number of words?

    e.g.

    A sneakered cadence,
    nature's metronome
    on the trail.

    Everything around
    unmoving, as time
    suspends the world.

    Then I met someone,
    Whom lend me his ears,
    To hear the water, birds and trees breathing;
    Whom lend me his eyes,
    To see the orange sunsets on the lake shinning;
    Whom lend me his soul,
    To feel calm and peace for the first time being;

    The three whom lend me, are incorrect. Is it should be who lent. Unless one is Caesar asking for fellow Romans to lend them his ears, not a road writers should follow because it makes no sense. A simple fix, put the reader in the head of the subject. e.g. Through his eyes, I saw. Also remove being from the end of the last line. Shinning in L5 should be shining. Don't try to match lines ending in ing, if you are striving for a rhyme, whether eye or true. It makes the stanza look and feel forced. Trees breath, lake shone.


    So strangely I am no longer escaping, Why would this be strange to the reader? e.g. I no longer seek escape.
    Instead I am mirroring and becoming, Instead I refelect, see the truth through his eyes. Get to the core of the line and consider clipping L 3-5, that is where the stanza becomes mired in redundancy.
    Mirroring to see a part of myself that I’ve never discovered.
    Becoming the beauty I once lost to see These two lines read like one run on sentence. Again, the ing verbs are not lending clarity to the message of the piece, they are simply complicating it.
    Through thee expression in his eyes, I learn to love self and others The instead of thee. Missing a my at the start of self, should be myself.
    And all I’ve yet to be. I like the closing line, but it is a struggle for the reader to get to this point.

    ---------
    this is my first poem ever. Any suggestion/comment would be great


    The concept is very good, but the execution struggles. This basic prose presented as a poem. The narrator telling, instead of showing. Grammar and context also need some attention. Second language issues is what it comes across as. A lot of close, but not quite right. Reading aloud as one writes will help tune the ear and the eyes to catch things like that in the editing process. As a first draft, it works, but not effectively. See examples in Blue.

    Take a hard look at the piece here, consider what is says, how it sounds. And also take a more indepth look at the other poetry on this forum, or a book of poetry from the library. Consider what you see, how it sounds. Poetry is the soul of prose, steeped and concentrated to bring out the depth of the ordinary. That is a crucial element that is missing here. There is no power, no emotion. Only a simple, flat image. Tap into the emotions hinted at in S3 and start from there.

    This is innocuous, not bad, but also not overly interesting. As far as first tries go, it is functional. Like the first manned missions to space, it works keeping life safe but we are not at the point of being awed by the impact of what rests just beyond the window. The stars are still just out of reach. Touch the star, look down at the blue wonder that is the planet. The narrator is highly aware of their emotions, what is needed is to make the emotions tangible. The piece is on the right track.

    - D.
    Last edited by Darkkin; May 8th, 2019 at 04:55 PM.


  3. #3
    DarKKin gave you a brilliant critique and a valuable tool... Without crits , such as this one, you absolutely cannot improve your work, and if you are a serious writer, you will value this... A critique that does not tell you why something does not work and then follows with examples of how to fix the problem is worthless... a comment that says "Great work" is almost as worthless...

    At the core of your poem is a gem, waiting to be polished... a message waiting to be understood, and that is the reason for the poem, right? You want your reader to understand your message... so, check your imagery, make it unique, show your reader something in a new way... always pay attention to the flow of your poem and use your stanzas to move your message from point A to B, then to the conclusion...

    I hope you polish this poem, it will take work, but it will be worth the effort... Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, I am looking forward to rereading this poem after you polish and edit, I think it will be fierce!
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    I agree that this piece has value, but it needs to be tightened up. Darkkin brought forth some great critique. Also, as Firemajic mentioned, flow is important. Nevertheless, as she also pointed out, it is worth polishing to take it to the next level.

    Welcome to the poetry thread!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.