The Killing of the Toad

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Thread: The Killing of the Toad

  1. #1

    The Killing of the Toad

    Vision blurring eyelid swelling softens all
    the jagged corners of everything
    Stark sunlight lances my eyeballs
    shooting bomb-blast headaches of
    pinwheel colors screaming,
    "I HAVE SEEN HIM! HE IS AMONG US NOW!
    THE END IS NEAR!
    REPENT!"
    I have seen the Toad of Darkness writhing
    glistening and black in my throat after
    studying my open mouth in the mirror with
    my new eyes. Blue eyes. Blue flies...
    My hands disappeared for a long time,
    meltfading bones crumbling to ashes.
    But they are back; different somehow...
    Cunning disease that has learned to
    chameleon itself as flesh...
    Headache headache headache...
    Maybe just one more aspirin or
    five or losing count how many empty
    bottle bought just this morning sleepy
    sleepy sleepy sleep comes difficult for
    the toad wriggles with knowing that
    the abode of the toad grows cold as
    my eyes fold like origami cranes and
    pain fades fade fading....
    black cranes swoopdiving to take me
    take me
    take me
    to the end of the black ribbon
    highway that stretches to the horizon flatline
    flatline
    flatline
    flatline...
    Last edited by Amnesiac; May 6th, 2019 at 06:10 PM.

  2. #2
    You capture a feverish intensity that sucks me in right away and carries all the way to the end of the poem. Strong, vivid, unusual images. . .it feels like a fever dream, or a panic attack. It reminds me of the moment when you wake up from a nightmare and can't tell what is real and what is part of the dream. Very weird, in the best possible way.
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Amnesiac View Post
    Vision blurring eyelid swelling softens all
    the jagged corners of everything
    Stark sunlight lances my eyeballs
    shooting bomb-blast headaches of
    pinwheel colors screaming,

    Consider starting at this point. Structure, grammar, and content are all point at this piece as an almost frenzied free write. Everything below is merely suggestion. Spacing made at the inherent pauses and punctuation.



    "I HAVE SEEN HIM!
    HE IS AMONG US NOW!
    THE END IS NEAR!
    REPENT!"

    I have seen the Toad of Darkness
    writhing, glistening and black
    in my throat
    Blue eyes. Blue flies...

    My hands disappear,
    melt, fading

    bones crumble to ashes.
    But they return,
    different somehow...

    Cunning disease has learned
    to conceal itself as flesh.. Chameleon is the animal not the action of said animal, mimic or conceal are the correct verbs. Something like learned from the chameleon, it hides, as flesh itself.


    Headache...

    Maybe one more aspirin
    or five
    lost count
    how many empty bottles
    bought just this morning

    sleep becomes difficult
    the toad wriggles with knowing
    that the abode of the toad
    grows cold
    as my eyes fold shadows One does not fold eyes, even in delusions, it is too far outside the realm of plausible. Eyes would rupture and the geometry of the origami. Consider a different noun and make the eyes fold the other noun. e.g. shadows. Given that the cranes show up in the closing stanzas this line needs to hold its own.
    like origami cranes

    pain fades... Why the use of every conjugation of the verb fade. Death is coming, be a tad more succinct.
    black cranes swoop,
    dive to take me

    take me
    to the end of the bleak ribbon Black was used a dozen words prior, black on black on black nobody sees anything.
    highway that stretches
    to the horizon
    of flatline
    There is huge potential in this piece, some stunning imagery that is nearly lost in a gamut of redundancies. Let the word take its weight and hold its own. Repeating sleepy half a dozen times does not add anything to this piece. Consider where your line breaks occur, where you pause for breath as a reader. By adding spacing, it brings the core of the piece to the fore. It is a piece that deserves to be heard.

    - D.


  4. #4
    This piece is wild and raw. I think that's one of the things that I like about it. If you tinker and edit it, I do believe that you could have something really good here. For me, it reads as a little bit too run-on and the sentences aren't always flowing with each other. Maybe if you could imbue the rawness and wildness, which are great, with some more structure than you would have something more concrete, yet viable. I think it can achieve this, it just needs a little bit of work.

    Thanks for sharing!
    ďAs far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being,"

    -Carl Jung

  5. #5
    Not to argue, but just to offer an alternate opinion--I actually like the repetitions (for example "sleepy") and some of the impossible imagery (for example eyes folding like paper cranes). It's what makes it feel so panicky and uncanny.
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  6. #6
    Thank you for all of your input. I appreciate it. I suffer from cluster headaches, and this was written when I was in the middle of a 12-week cycle of getting slammed with 3 and 4 headaches in every 24-hour period, each headache ramping right up to a 9 on the pain scale. CH are also known as suicide headaches, and around week 8 of a cycle, so sleep deprived and spiritually and physically exhausted, all I want is relief or death, and neither one seems to pan out. During the onset of one of these monsters, my eyelid swells and my eye begins to water like crazy. Each headache is into my right eye like a frickin' train. The medications for these things, auto-injector triptan medications, or anti-seizure medications, are worse than the condition itself, and may even produce rebound headaches, where the meds are actually causing the headaches. Here's a wiki article on them:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

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