naturally without faith


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Thread: naturally without faith

  1. #1

    naturally without faith

    I

    if i could –
    now that i have dug the garden
    buried the bones of old gods
    beneath the faded, stained scriptures
    that roll off tired tongue –

    naked almost, i would lay down
    by making time
    stare at the clouds that drift…
    lightly played quavers, ballet dancers
    between the structure of lines…

    allow the back to embrace
    ground below, feel the suck of life
    from the core beneath
    or from the sun above?

    and inhale
    and exhale

    and inhale
    and exhale

    imagine climbing the slide (inhale)
    pause at the top (the gather in the lungs)
    the rush down (feet first, in fun, exhale)

    again

    and again

    and again…

  2. #2
    Hey dannyboy!

    I just wanted to mull over this before I critiqued. It's good, solid, but I have one little issue.

    Before, let me tell you what I liked:

    1) Your opening- so strong. Immediately dragged me into the piece. Efficient and effective. Your following stanza too.

    2) Inhale/exhale. The dualistic quality of this struck me with me and made me re-read the poem, considering the "embrace" of life and then letting it out, the exhale, towards the world.

    3) The slide. Although I am not completely sure about this, I thought it had a resonating childhood feel. I could be off, but it also had symbolic quality- in my humble opinion. But, considering the content and the title, what are you referring to, fine sir?

    Now, here's the stanza I didn't like:

    "allow the back to embrace
    ground below, feel the suck of life
    from the core beneath
    or from the sun above?"

    The idea seems fine, but I read this out-loud and it's almost a tongue twister. Also, I didn't feel that it was as intense and great as your other stanzas.

    Just my amateur 0.02c! Thanks for the read.

  3. #3
    Hi BD,

    the slide - yes its a breathing image in relaxation. Using the imagine of the slide and match it to your in...pause....out breath

    Imagine climbing the slide - in breath (count between 3 - 5) pause (1-2) down the slide (between 3- 5 matching the in breath). Hope that makes sense.

    That stanza was an attempt at a paradox, it is meant to be jarring but it might bot be working - I've written in about 20 different ways already, I'll keep working at it...not sure, for example, about the word suck but so far its the closest to what I am thinking.

    Thank you for your considered response,


    Danny

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