The 6:45


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Thread: The 6:45

  1. #1
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    The 6:45

    His face
    pale and structured
    unmoved and unmoving
    as improbable as
    a white starched shirt
    in a beggar's closet.

    This man manhandles his mind
    and marks his time
    in a Rolex dream
    all the while riding
    this machine
    that shoots by
    a tree,
    a building,
    a smokestack
    ....a bountiful blur of a world.

    Commuter newspaper
    (the daily literature)
    fallen
    fans one foot
    as he observes
    the other
    shod in cracked leather.

    It has more character
    than his face.

    His face has more character
    than his character
    (he doesn't know)

    He feels intricate,
    significant.

    All it takes is
    the 6:45
    to feel almost whole
    with the daily grind
    ground into fine particles
    in his mind.

    Familiar strangers
    look right through him
    though not as through a keyhole
    which holds promise of
    forbidden mystery
    but as if through a cloud
    self-distracted and somehow blind.

    His face moves a little
    (the wife, meatloaf, baby's bath)
    His twitch becomes a
    prelude to a frown.

    One laconic step follows
    another to the bar car.

    There's enough time yet
    to believe he's significant.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  2. #2
    There is such an intriguing story here... gritty, surreal imagery... damn!
    This line: A white starched shirt in a beggar's closet".... brilliant...

    and this: "familiar strangers"... I have some of those...your poem, for me, gives more questions than answers, so I will be reading and rereading, somehow, you make this sound personal....anyway, I love this unique creation....
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Great poem, Laurie! That last line really encapsulates the sad state of this man. You have a lot of good images, I especially like the second stanza.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #4
    A complex character study intertwined with poetic prowess, images and sentiments colliding, and building, upon each other.

    Very nicely done, Laurie!

  5. #5
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    Great poem, Laurie! That last line really encapsulates the sad state of this man. You have a lot of good images, I especially like the second stanza.
    Thank you Cindy for taking time out of your schedual to read and comment. In S2, "Rolex dream" is key to understanding my man's delusion of grandure, especially when compared to S3 -
    as he observes
    ............the other shoe
    ............shod in cracked leather.
    S2 - I was hoping that the imagery would point to him riding a train, looking out the window.

    The last line does wrap up his plight. Pretty sad...

    =Firemajic;2218726 There is such an intriguing story here... gritty, surreal imagery... damn!
    This line: A white starched shirt in a beggar's closet".... brilliant...

    and this: "familiar strangers"... I have some of those...your poem, for me, gives more questions than answers, so I will be reading and rereading, somehow, you make this sound personal....anyway, I love this unique creation....
    Juls, you hit on my favored line in S1. I enjoy thinking of the far-fetched. I'll leave "familiar strangers" to you -anything you need or want it to be. It's not necessarily personal except for to say that I have always found it rewarding observing people. Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Bard_Daniel View Post
    A complex character study intertwined with poetic prowess, images and sentiments colliding, and building, upon each other.

    Very nicely done, Laurie!
    Bard, exactly and thank you. It's actually a study of many persons...

    .....during my times commuting to NYC, there was nothing like the freedom of fancying who people might be by paying strict attention to their body language, what they're reading, what they're wearing.... how they never seem to meet another's gaze, all sitting so close to each other, sharing little but anonymity.

    The poem could be perceived as one man's hour reprive between the ungratifying - work and home life. Does he "imagine" every night? Has something during the day happened, causing him to dream? Is he aiming to quit work and/or leave his wife? All this is up to the reader.

    Thanks, all. And to Tony and Darkkin for reading. Laurie
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  6. #6
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Hello Laurie, this is quite an intriguing idea. This unknown man is atypical, a face among strangers, well know on the journey home, a brief respite; a sort of limbo between two evils paralleled with his real condition and that he imagines.Your poem encapsulates this feeling well. Each stanza reinforcing and piling on the agony to that revelation in the final lines.

    The way you have got into the man's mind and shown its duplicity is remarkable for its credibility and clarity. The only small thing I would suggest is to add commas after lines S1; 1,2, S3 .3. S8. 2,3,6. That would help the understanding better.

    I love this poem, its intriguing and does what a good poem should. Makes me want to read and reread. Thanks Laurie. ... T

  7. #7
    strong work - and the delusion we sometimes carry - the internal picture compared to the truth.

  8. #8
    hello - observations on a train journey - some of the finer details were lost on me - and perhaps is too focused on the man's facial mannerisms.

    just read your explanation, and for the most part, this poem captures those ideas - despite having a family and a job, he feels insignificant?

    enjoyed the read....................Ned
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  9. #9
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Thomas Normn Hello Laurie, this is quite an intriguing idea. This unknown man is atypical, a face among strangers, well know on the journey home, a brief respite; a sort of limbo between two evils paralleled with his real condition and that he imagines.Your poem encapsulates this feeling well. Each stanza reinforcing and piling on the agony to that revelation in the final lines.

    The way you have got into the man's mind and shown its duplicity is remarkable for its credibility and clarity. The only small thing I would suggest is to add commas after lines S1; 1,2, S3 .3. S8. 2,3,6. That would help the understanding better.

    I love this poem, its intriguing and does what a good poem should. Makes me want to read and reread. Thanks Laurie. ... T
    Hi, Thomas. "agony" is the perfect word to describe what led this man to an alternative one hour world of bliss. Yes, clarity and "starkness" was key in order to invite the reader in and to wonder "What is this man really all about?" All the "why's". I, as the writer, still wonder? Tremendous, is the imagination.

    I will go and take a look at the comma situation. Thanks!
    Last edited by SilverMoon; May 4th, 2019 at 02:28 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  10. #10
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ned hello - observations on a train journey - some of the finer details were lost on me - and perhaps is too focused on the man's facial mannerisms.

    just read your explanation, and for the most part, this poem captures those ideas - despite having a family and a job, he feels insignificant?

    enjoyed the read....................Ned
    Thank you, ned. Glad you enjoyed the read and taking time to comment.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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