There really are monsters under my bed... - Page 3

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Thread: There really are monsters under my bed...

  1. #21
    This is great work. I REALLY liked the inclusion of your final stanza and I agree, with everyone, that this takes courage and, in itself, power to write. You cast your monsters into your work and, for what I see, sending them into the shadows of your life- even though they're still there. The metaphor of this, the raw cataclysmic force of triumph over monsters among humans, is extremely revealing, yet absolving in its writing. Even in your most protected place, your sanctuary (the bed), the monsters still lie underneath- just as the metaphor of your memories in your mind will always be there. It's amazing writing, I just want you to know that's how I view it.

    Thanks for sharing, Firemajic. Always a pleasure.
    ďAs far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being,"

    -Carl Jung

  2. #22
    Thank you, Bard_Daniel.... I am glad I added the final verse, The critique I received was spot on, it took a second to realize that, but now... it feels complete... Thank you for your thoughtful comments and support, this was difficult to write... but every now and again, I have to slay those monsters...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #23
    Having read the posts about this poem I realize that the subject is very personal, painful and important to the poet. There are strong images but also a lot of repetition and the repetition doesn't make the poem stronger, in my eyes. I think it could be distilled down to its essences.

    Generally it is clear in S1 that the poems contain painful memories. I don't think you need to refer to writing poems in every stanza (although I thought the one reference to painstakingly printing them with trembling hand did add to the poem). Maybe just in the first and last stanza and show the subject as much as you can in between.

    Some of the references to what happened are quite abstract: "unspeakable acts of terror" or "abominations". I'm trying to be delicate here, but something concrete would make this stronger than those abstractions. For example if it were appropriate to describe what happened as "touches" the reader's senses are engaged so much more. You are already being very brave and I don't know if you are able to go beyond the abstractions in describing what happened. I'm just trying to talk about the poem and it's for you to decide what you're comfortable with.

  4. #24
    Fire, This poem would make a good pantoum. The repetition expresses a kind of endless cycle which a pantoum does through its form. I think the poem and the form were meant for each other.

  5. #25
    Verses 1, 2 and 6 are really good. And 5 is good. I think verse 3 interrupts the flow a bit due to "Unspeakable acts of terror" not running on the same beat that "I write my poems on pristine paper" and "A heavy burden for small shoulders" do. Verse 3 in general just breaks the flow. Maybe that was your intention, but it doesn't work for me.

  6. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by TL Murphy View Post
    Fire, This poem would make a good pantoum. The repetition expresses a kind of endless cycle which a pantoum does through its form. I think the poem and the form were meant for each other.
    Right now it's more suited to a villanelle, I think, where the same 2 lines are repeated throughout. A pantoum would require repeating new lines in the next stanza.

    I thought about whether any of these forms would suit this poem, but thought that despite the repetition of the acts of violence and the writing of poems finding lines that can be repeated with the repetition making the poem stronger would not be easy. I thought it more important for the poem that it show the best content and to focus on that would make the biggest difference.

    There's a good description on poetryfoundation.org of the villanelle if you're interested. Dylan Thomas' Go Not Gently into the Good Night probably my favorite one but here's a light hearted villanelle about writing villanelles:

    https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poe...ontentId=41403

  7. #27
    given how personal this poem is, and the courage it took to write I thought I'd ask before I did,

    would you mind if I tried an edit?

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by TL Murphy View Post
    Fire, This poem would make a good pantoum. The repetition expresses a kind of endless cycle which a pantoum does through its form. I think the poem and the form were meant for each other.
    TL Murphy, I agree.... I will play around with that idea... thank you for reading and commenting... it is appreciated...


    Quote Originally Posted by BornForBurning View Post
    Verses 1, 2 and 6 are really good. And 5 is good. I think verse 3 interrupts the flow a bit due to "Unspeakable acts of terror" not running on the same beat that "I write my poems on pristine paper" and "A heavy burden for small shoulders" do. Verse 3 in general just breaks the flow. Maybe that was your intention, but it doesn't work for me.
    Thank you for reading and taking the time to explain what works... and what does not... improvement takes both kinds of feedback...



    Quote Originally Posted by Outsider View Post
    I thought it more important for the poem that it show the best content and to focus on that would make the biggest difference.

    I agree....


    Quote Originally Posted by dannyboy View Post
    given how personal this poem is, and the courage it took to write I thought I'd ask before I did,

    would you mind if I tried an edit?

    Of course... get out your red marker and edit away
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by Outsider View Post
    Having read the posts about this poem I realize that the subject is very personal, painful and important to the poet. There are strong images but also a lot of repetition and the repetition doesn't make the poem stronger, in my eyes. I think it could be distilled down to its essences.

    Generally it is clear in S1 that the poems contain painful memories. I don't think you need to refer to writing poems in every stanza (although I thought the one reference to painstakingly printing them with trembling hand did add to the poem). Maybe just in the first and last stanza and show the subject as much as you can in between.

    Some of the references to what happened are quite abstract: "unspeakable acts of terror" or "abominations". I'm trying to be delicate here, but something concrete would make this stronger than those abstractions. For example if it were appropriate to describe what happened as "touches" the reader's senses are engaged so much more. You are already being very brave and I don't know if you are able to go beyond the abstractions in describing what happened. I'm just trying to talk about the poem and it's for you to decide what you're comfortable with.

    Well, I appreciate your POV about the repeating lines, that is my way of doing a refraining line, but moving the refraining line around, and not placing it at the end of each stanza... to me, it is makes it intense...

    as to the details about the abuse, they will stay buried in the notebooks... thank you for your comments, I appreciate...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #30
    REVISED:

    There really are monsters under my bed

    I wrote my poems on pristine paper - delete my
    dirty secrets I dared not speak - sullied, delete I, spoken instead of speak?
    and I hid them in boxes under my bed - delete and I
    where they disturbed my sleep - unsettled, just a thought playing with the S sounds...?

    A heavy burden for small shoulders
    my notebooks full of shame - delete my
    hidden is shadows under my bed
    my boxes full of pain

    Unspeakable acts of terror
    inscribed on paper kept out of sight
    abominations that happened in the dark
    almost every night

    Recorded in my poems - delete my
    my helpless fear and rage
    painstakingly printed with trembling hands
    page after secret page

    These notebooks hid my monsters
    but they howled in my head
    and they lurked in the darkness
    in boxes under my bed

    Years have passed and still I write
    that's how I stay sane
    and the monsters... they are silent now - the monsters are silent now
    in my boxes full of pain - delete my

    nothing major, I've just tried to give it a sense of the universal I (and I think the flow might be better)- for all who must endure what should never need to be endured. Thank you for this, Danny.

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