LoveSick


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Thread: LoveSick

  1. #1

    LoveSick

    I Pick petals from daisies
    as I wander through meadows
    of my lost childhood
    clinging still to innocent illusions
    yet knowing I have left them far behind

    It is you I dream of
    faceless
    not yet met
    but I know you
    and I am familiar
    with your touch
    imagined a thousand times
    in the dark intimacy of my bed

    I know your voice
    I have heard it
    in that moment between
    drowsy wakefulness
    and the silken slide to slumber

    I have waited fearfully

    You will find me
    teach me obedience
    submission, exquisite pleasure
    ... and pain

    Break me
    bring me to my knees
    shatter my inhibitions
    put me back together
    not as a whimpering broken child
    but as a wanton willing woman

    I know your name...

    It is Master.
    Last edited by Firemajic; April 24th, 2019 at 05:51 PM. Reason: Thanks, Ned ;)
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    hello - a very feminine poem (mostly I think) desire expressed as submission?

    the final verse is powerful - SickLove?

    Pick - pick
    wonder - wander

    love 'the silken slide to slumber' and the engaging insights portrayed throughout.

    hot read!.................Ned
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  3. #3
    Thanks for your sharp eye, Ned... I fixed my wondering wander

    I enjoy your comments, they are often far more insightful than my poetry...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Juls, Fanastic title LOL! winky

    It's certainly a "gripping" poem. Your trademark! The only suggestion I have is that you might consider eliminating the first stanza because the loveliness sort of betrays the intriguing dark power which follows and then throughout poem.

    It is you I dream of > Also, as a first line, I was instantly drawn in. Who is this "you"? A grabber.
    faceless
    not yet met
    but I know you
    and I am familiar
    with your touch
    imagined a thousand times
    in the dark intimacy of my bed


    Ha! Right now I'm listening to Sade and her song "This is No Ordinary Love" just began.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; April 24th, 2019 at 10:34 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  5. #5
    Woah, intense!

    "Silken slide to slumber" was my favorite line-- exquisite!

    Great work!

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    Juls, Fanastic title LOL! winky

    It's certainly a "gripping" poem. Your trademark! The only suggestion I have is that you might consider eliminating the first stanza because the loveliness sort of betrays the intriguing dark power which follows and then throughout poem.



    Ha! Right now I'm listening to Sade and her song "This is No Ordinary Love" just began.

    Dear Laurie, .... I was inspired by your "Lovesick" poem ... wow... I see exactly what you mean about cutting the first stanza... you used the word "betrayed", and that is why I included the first stanza... when someone has innocent illusions of love, then realizes that love is not a "one size fits all"... that something MORE is desired... well, that is a loss of innocence....and there is power in walking to the beat of your own drum... yes?
    Thank you for showing me my poem in a new light, I appreciate it...

    Quote Originally Posted by Bard_Daniel View Post
    Woah, intense!

    "Silken slide to slumber" was my favorite line-- exquisite!

    Great work!
    Thank you Yeah, I am all about passion and intensity .... that is what separates the living from the walking dead

    Silken slide to slumber is also my favorite line, I am glad you enjoyed...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  7. #7
    This is well done, Fire. Very well played and visceral. The only area that really stands out in need of a little tightening S1.

    L1 - Maybe consider pluck instead of pick. Softer vowel, lusher edges. Read the line with both, what does the ear hear?

    L2 - Is the preposition required? I wander meadows. The narrator is in the meadow, that they are passing through it is implied and goes directly into the preposition of L3.

    L3 - First person narrative, consider clipping my.

    L4 - The inversion of clinging still, a bit contrived, why not simply still clinging? Read the line with the inversion in place and with still clinging through to the end of S1. What does your ear tell you?

    L5 - Remove have. The line functions perfectly well without the filler. yet knowing I left them far behind.

    An excellent, sumptuous read.

    - D.


  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    I pluck petals from daisies
    as I wander through meadows
    of my lost childhood
    still clinging to innocent illusions
    yet knowing I left them far behind

    It is you I dream of
    faceless
    not yet met
    but I know you
    and I am familiar
    with your touch
    imagined a thousand times
    in the dark intimacy of my bed

    I know your voice
    I have heard it
    in that moment between
    drowsy wakefulness
    and the silken slide to slumber

    I have waited fearfully

    You will find me
    teach me obedience
    submission, exquisite pleasure
    ... and pain

    Break me
    bring me to my knees
    shatter my inhibitions
    put me back together
    not as a whimpering broken child
    but as a wanton willing woman

    I know your name...

    It is Master.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkkin View Post
    This is well done, Fire. Very well played and visceral. The only area that really stands out in need of a little tightening S1.

    L1 - Maybe consider pluck instead of pick. Softer vowel, lusher edges. Read the line with both, what does the ear hear?

    L2 - Is the preposition required? I wander meadows. The narrator is in the meadow, that they are passing through it is implied and goes directly into the preposition of L3.

    L3 - First person narrative, consider clipping my.

    L4 - The inversion of clinging still, a bit contrived, why not simply still clinging? Read the line with the inversion in place and with still clinging through to the end of S1. What does your ear tell you?

    L5 - Remove have. The line functions perfectly well without the filler. yet knowing I left them far behind.

    An excellent, sumptuous read.

    - D.

    Dear DarKKin, I made all the changes you suggested, except line 2... for some reason it sounded odd to me to leave out "through"... I will give that some more thought

    I loved your suggestion for line one and I can see how that made a big difference.... and that is something I will remember going forward... thank you for your careful critique... critique such as this is such a valuable tool and I appreciate it...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  9. #9

  10. #10
    I definitely got the submissive tone of this poem, and they worked well, but I would have liked to see some more specific imagery – the daisies and meadows seemed a little cliche for me.

    Saying that, some really good evocative imagery elsewhere – 'silken slide to slumber' a particular favourite phrase

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