LoveSick - Page 2


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Thread: LoveSick

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by fspecter View Post
    I definitely got the submissive tone of this poem, and they worked well, but I would have liked to see some more specific imagery – the daisies and meadows seemed a little cliche for me.

    Saying that, some really good evocative imagery elsewhere – 'silken slide to slumber' a particular favourite phrase
    Hello, fspecter, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... thank you for commenting on my poem...The line you mentioned as cliché was meant to be a metaphor about innocence... as a young girl, me and my friends used to take walks and we would pick daisies and pluck each petal off and as we pull them of we would say "He love me" and then the next petal we pulled off we would say "He loves me not" and so forth, until there were no more petals, always hoping to end with the last petal saying "he loves me"... it was an innocent childish thing... that is why I used that... maybe I could have been more creative, but this is so evocative of innocence... Thank you for reading and commenting... I hope to read your work soon ...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #12
    Fire, it's been a while for me so I started back last night reading and commenting. I wanted the most recent version and to sleep on my thoughts, just like on my writing, slow both down so I don't rush.



    A BDSM poem from my perspective.

    I pluck petals from daisies
    as I wander through meadows
    of my lost childhood
    still clinging to innocent illusions
    yet knowing I left them far behind

    It is you I dream of
    faceless
    not yet met
    but I know you
    and I am familiar
    with your touch
    imagined a thousand times
    in the dark intimacy of my bed

    I know your voice
    I have heard it
    in that moment between
    drowsy wakefulness
    and the silken slide to slumber

    I have waited fearfully

    You will find me
    teach me obedience
    submission, exquisite pleasure
    ... and pain

    Break me
    bring me to my knees
    shatter my inhibitions
    put me back together
    not as a whimpering broken child
    but as a wanton willing woman

    I know your name...

    It is Master.

    Would moving the first stanza to being the third stanza affect what your bringing together? I see that as almost a dream sequence and with that beautiful silken slumber line as the last line in the preceding stanza, it seems to fit.

    Would switching fearfully to trepidatiously be useful? It has more meaning associated with it, at least to me, than fearfully.

    This is a beautiful poem about transformation, caterpillar into butterfly as child to woman...hm that might be a nice allusionary switch to look at.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  3. #13
    Hello, Poet PelWrath... you raise some interesting, valid points... and you give me a lot to think about... I love that you understood the transition form child to woman... thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #14
    Pretty intense for sure, i like the tension and the build up for the piece. I think you should add metaphors and similes though.

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