Each Other's Canvas


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Thread: Each Other's Canvas

  1. #1

    Each Other's Canvas

    I’m a lost child looking in the mirror at my body swollen with marks of youth and bloated from middle aged fatness. I left my crayons at home. I walk the carpet of maturity and care for myself and others. I love my body. I love touch. I love sex. In me, my sexuality, wraps in aluminum foil.

    I've fallen in self-admiration. I see beauty in others as reflections of the divine within me. I smile at the woman whose soul shines both outside as well as in; and, my spirit opens as a flower abloom.

    No! Not anymore will I be trapped in this hole when I have family on the other side who supports me my endeavors. I am a lost child who touches the earth with one hand and the sky with the other, and hope that I will die without pain and with a smile on my face and crayons in hand. My face paints so many colors of the divine and when I find that woman I love, that true love, we will marvel at each other’s canvas.

    In our sexuality, our maturity cultivates marital vows yet spoken. I will no longer let my soul stay trapped or throw away my creativity to let it age as my body will eventually. My wife and I will draw together. Sing together. Paint. We are in lust over each other’s body. We love touch. We love sex. Our souls have gone amok among us. We kissed making each other’s soul our own.

    New version:


    I’m a lost child
    looking in the mirror at my body
    swollen with marks of youth
    and bloated from middle aged fatness.

    I left my crayons at home.

    I walk the carpet of maturity
    and care for myself and others.
    I love my body.
    I love touch.
    I love sex.

    In me, my sexuality, wraps in aluminum foil.

    I fall in self-admiration.
    I see beauty in others
    as reflections of the divine within me.
    I smile at the woman whose soul
    shines both outside as well as in;
    and, my spirit opens as a flower abloom.

    No! Not anymore will I
    be trapped in this hole
    when I have family on the other side
    who supports me my endeavors.

    I am a lost child
    who touches the earth with one hand
    and the sky with the other,
    and hope that I will die without pain
    with a smile on my face
    and crayons in hand.

    My face paints so many colors of the divine
    and when I find that woman I love,
    that true love,
    we will marvel at each other’s canvas.

    In our sexuality,
    our maturity cultivates
    marital vows yet spoken.

    I will no longer let my soul
    stay trapped
    or throw away my creativity
    to let it age
    as my body will eventually.

    My wife and I will draw together.
    Sing together.
    Paint.

    We are in lust over each other’s body.
    We love touch.
    We love sex.

    Our souls have gone amok among us.
    We kissed making each other’s soul our own.
    Last edited by unveiledartist; April 24th, 2019 at 06:46 PM.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by unveiledartist View Post
    Iím a lost child looking in the mirror at my body swollen with marks of youth and bloated from middle aged fatness.*** I left my crayons at home*** I love this line. I stood and walked the carpet of maturity and loving myself and others. I love my body. I love touch. I love sex. In me, my sexuality, wrapped in aluminum foil.

    ***Your first stanza certainly got my attention and the imagery is strong***
    I like that you described your body and that you love your body even though it is described as "middle aged fatness"


    I am comfortable with admiration of myself. I am comfortable seeing the beauty in others as a reflection of the divine within me. I smile at the woman whose soul shines both outside as well as in; and, my spirit opens as a flower abloom.


    No! Not anymore am I trapped in this hole when I have family on the other side who supports me in my endeavors I have yet to succeed. Iím a lost child who touches the earth with one hand and the sky with the other*** hoping that I will die without pain and with a smile on my face and crayons in hand.**** Amen! I hope to go that way too ....*** My face painted with so many colors**** Fabulous!*** of the divine and when I find that woman I love, that true love, we will marvel at each otherís canvas.


    In our sexuality, our maturity cultivates marital vows yet spoken. I will no longer let my soul be trapped nor throw away my creativity to let it age as my body will eventually. My wife and I would draw together. Sing together. Paint. We are in lust over each otherís body. We love touch. We love sex. Our souls have gone amok among us. We kissed making each otherís soul our own.

    This poem has a cool vibe... an honest vibe and I love the subject matter... it is unique and original .... 2 of my favorite things... But I can't help but long to see this gently edited... distilled and perhaps made powerful with ... less

    still... this is wonderful.... welcome to the fabulous poetry thread....
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    This poem has a cool vibe... an honest vibe and I love the subject matter... it is unique and original .... 2 of my favorite things... But I can't help but long to see this gently edited... distilled and perhaps made powerful with ... less

    still... this is wonderful.... welcome to the fabulous poetry thread....
    Thank you so much. I sometimes write the versed poetry and still do. When I picked up prose, I stuck with it. I have quite a few. Can you let me know where to edit? I think I got much of it. Thanks again.
    At last! No longer will I live another one's beat and song.
    Into ashes, Iíll return, and be it held by loved ones.
    Ceased will life liven me of breathe again to lust.
    Speak of it no more, of love, to whom, Iíve yet bequeath.
    ~Carlita

  4. #4
    I'm terrible at critiques but I really loved this! Some of your imagery is just beautiful. I love the artistic references and the quiet joy in some of the lines describing the relationship.

  5. #5
    I did a good edit. Tell me what you guys think.
    At last! No longer will I live another one's beat and song.
    Into ashes, Iíll return, and be it held by loved ones.
    Ceased will life liven me of breathe again to lust.
    Speak of it no more, of love, to whom, Iíve yet bequeath.
    ~Carlita

  6. #6
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Double post. Sorry, unveiledartist. See my reply below. If you have any questions feel free to pose them. Love your poem!
    ďThe man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.Ē
    Andre Breton

  7. #7
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by unveiledartist I did a good edit. Tell me what you guys think.
    Hi, unveiledartist. There are so many keen treats to your poem and think the only reason you've not gotten feedback on your Edit is because all that is atop is one poem. I have no idea if this is the one that has been Edited or the Original.

    So, this is how you manage it in order for the reader to compare your Edit to the Orginal and respond.

    I liked the format you used in your most recent poem, so I've followed your lead pertaing to that one. I've not changed anything else.

    All you have to do is go back into your thread, copy and past your Edit above the Original. I look forward to commenting. A very rich poem! Laurie

    Edit

    I’m a lost child looking in the mirror at my body
    swollen with marks of youth and
    bloated from middle aged fatness.
    I left my crayons at home.

    I walk the carpet of maturity and care
    for myself and others.
    I love my body.
    I love touch.
    I love sex.

    In me, my sexuality, wraps in aluminum foil.


    I've fallen in self-admiration.
    I see beauty in others as reflections of the divine within me.
    I smile at the woman whose soul shines both outside as well as in;
    and, my spirit opens as a flower abloom.


    No! Not anymore will I be trapped in this hole
    when I have family on the other side who
    supports me my endeavors.

    I am a lost child who touches the earth
    with one hand and the sky with the other,
    and hope that I will die without pain and
    with a smile on my face and crayons in hand.

    My face paints so many colors of the divine and
    when I find that woman I love, that true love,
    we will marvel at each other’s canvas.


    In our sexuality, our maturity cultivates
    marital vows yet spoken.

    I will no longer let my soul stay trapped
    or throw away my creativity to let it age
    as my body will eventually.

    My wife and I will draw together.
    Sing together. Paint.

    We are in lust over each other’s body.
    We love touch.
    We love sex.

    Our souls have gone amok among us.
    We kissed making each other’s soul our own.


    ORIGINAL

    I’m a lost child looking in the mirror at my body swollen with marks of youth and bloated from middle aged fatness. I left my crayons at home. I walk the carpet of maturity and care for myself and others. I love my body. I love touch. I love sex. In me, my sexuality, wraps in aluminum foil.

    I've fallen in self-admiration. I see beauty in others as reflections of the divine within me. I smile at the woman whose soul shines both outside as well as in; and, my spirit opens as a flower abloom.

    No! Not anymore will I be trapped in this hole when I have family on the other side who supports me my endeavors. I am a lost child who touches the earth with one hand and the sky with the other, and hope that I will die without pain and with a smile on my face and crayons in hand. My face paints so many colors of the divine and when I find that woman I love, that true love, we will marvel at each other’s canvas.

    In our sexuality, our maturity cultivates marital vows yet spoken. I will no longer let my soul stay trapped or throw away my creativity to let it age as my body will eventually. My wife and I will draw together. Sing together. Paint. We are in lust over each other’s body. We love touch. We love sex. Our souls have gone amok among us. We kissed making each other’s soul our own.
    ďThe man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.Ē
    Andre Breton

  8. #8
    That's weird. I thought I edited it to be in poem format or does it look different on the phone.
    At last! No longer will I live another one's beat and song.
    Into ashes, Iíll return, and be it held by loved ones.
    Ceased will life liven me of breathe again to lust.
    Speak of it no more, of love, to whom, Iíve yet bequeath.
    ~Carlita

  9. #9
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    I don't know about these things but you can bring your question to Tech Central. A great team! They've helped me out with many tech thingies

    https://www.writingforums.com/forums/113-Tech-Central
    ďThe man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.Ē
    Andre Breton

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    I don't know about these things but you can bring your question to Tech Central. A great team! They've helped me out with many tech thingies

    https://www.writingforums.com/forums/113-Tech-Central
    Thanks! I found it. I redid The Nature of God. To the two mixed up.
    At last! No longer will I live another one's beat and song.
    Into ashes, Iíll return, and be it held by loved ones.
    Ceased will life liven me of breathe again to lust.
    Speak of it no more, of love, to whom, Iíve yet bequeath.
    ~Carlita

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