Danny's NaPoWriMo

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Thread: Danny's NaPoWriMo

  1. #1

    Danny's NaPoWriMo

    *No edits just first writes directly into this thread.

    day 1:

    Lungfish

    In the mud, the muck, the middle ground
    between blood and bone, life and death,
    Orpheus fish crawled forth
    fins flapping a sound that shook
    the earth's early foundations

    Orpheus fish looked back, some followed
    not the one he wanted –

    should he have returned?

    Gave up the song his thick lips sung
    even as he struggled along?

    There is a moment for each of us
    when we think to return
    there is no way back, the curvature
    of land and time only leads away

    Orpheus fish sings still
    about the good old days
    covered in mud, flapping his tune
    missing her
    that never came along for the ride.
    Last edited by dannyboy; April 4th, 2019 at 05:29 AM.

  2. #2
    I like this poem. Parting with a love, a journey to the unknown. A lot of good imagery both visual and auditory references which made it easy to envision this in my mind.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  3. #3
    Crawling through their underworld, looking back...
    They lost her.
    Old fish, breathing memories.

    I like your poem, Danny.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    I am a clay potato in a strawberry field
    -Darren White, from "Clumsy"

  4. #4
    I love your first line, danny. All those m's make it music for me.

    In the mud, the muck, the middle ground
    Enjoyed the story, danny!
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  5. #5
    Ahhh, Danny, I only now notice that you add all poems to the OP. It makes it hard to comment that way, maybe better to post new poems as replies in your own thread? Because the first few days are still easy to oversee, but the farther we come into April, the more difficult for us to comment.

    I am commenting on 'Divorce'. It is a great poem, showing all that pain. But I think you can do without the final two lines. The poem ends very strong with: "it does not go away".
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    I am a clay potato in a strawberry field
    -Darren White, from "Clumsy"

  6. #6
    really like 'divorce' (sounds odd)

    two suggestions-

    test authenticity - consider dropping, for those versed it is implicit in the previous line
    then break the line - my tongue can lie

    enjoyed the honest language here
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  7. #7
    day 2:

    stone sucking:

    on the corner he sits,
    brown eyes swim with failed meals
    leaking nose a cry
    his hands hold the dirt
    as if the road might leave him behind
    his legs rest lightly, he has no perch
    in his mouth
    a stone placed by his mother.

    'suck this, I return
    when the stone is no more'

    He sucks hard, drinks his spittle
    his stomach swells
    an inverse volcano
    he knows it will erupt
    and the agony inside
    will find its way outside.

    Around people pass,
    their eyes never touch him,
    remain fixed ahead.

  8. #8
    day 3:

    divorce:

    Place your hand
    in the wound...
    test authenticity, my tongue
    can lie with words that blossom,
    weave a scent of surrender
    even as they decay but this wound
    can only tell the truth –

    place your lips to it,
    taste the blood, feel the ache;
    it does not go away,
    has never diminished...


    carries me always back –


    remember when we bound
    with rings –
    a circle is only forever
    if the wound is healed.

  9. #9
    day 4:


    The Visitation:


    They found the remains
    of a visit from hell
    in the glass beads residing inside
    the guts of a long dead fish

    if Orpheus took the bones
    and beads
    and formed an instrument from that fish
    what tales would the music tell?

  10. #10
    All comments - please keep making observations and at the end of this marathon I plan to work through each of the poems and do the editing, taking in your feedback etc. For now I am trying to stick to this poem a day thingy, dealing with 2 deaths in the family and a mother who has just suffered a broken pelvis - and work is mad at the moment!

    I do read them and I am reading other poems and will take time out this weekend to respond to some of the great work being shown at the moment.

    Danny

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