Danny's NaPoWriMo - Page 3


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Thread: Danny's NaPoWriMo

  1. #21
    This is sad, and frightening...
    such a messed up situation, is that why your lines are giving me the feeling they are not completely finished, messed up, either?

  2. #22

  3. #23
    day 7:

    a father to Icarus:

    My brother buys drugs
    for his son –
    how else to keep him alive?
    Gets told often
    to let him fall
    even if that means
    he must drown.

    My brother will not be Daedalus
    will use whatever wings
    are at his command
    to keep his son afloat.
    I have known him
    to drive interstate
    to collect him,
    dry him again,
    get those wings back into a state
    so he can soar
    for a time in the light
    before the drugs
    call again.

    My brother's love
    for his son is boundless,
    the voices crying to relinquish
    waves in the distance –
    I dare say he would venture
    through the crack
    and drag his son back
    if that is what was needed.

  4. #24
    so tempted to cut out the Daedalus line, think I will when I return to edit.

  5. #25
    Yeah, this is a beautiful poem, and you do not need Daedalus at all, it's clear enough.
    You also do not need the last two lines in S2

  6. #26
    day 8

    away

    If not for you
    like a flower I would
    close up, even in light
    I'd slam shut,
    words loose in the thoughts,
    emotions a spool
    my kitten heart would whack –

    these two days
    all I have thought is
    come back, come back.

    The moment
    when the tree tumbles
    at its peak.

  7. #27
    This is a beautiful, and very sad poem, so heartfelt...

  8. #28
    day 9

    Time travel

    With the sounds of guitars
    space stretched outwards
    we flew to the stars
    walked upon the moon
    our minds expanded
    and flowers bloomed

    we now builds walls
    huddle in packs
    burn churches
    turn our back on the worlds
    as we pitch ideologies around
    with forked tongues.

  9. #29
    really good 'angst' poem.

    To the sounds....
    builds - build
    worlds - world

    maybe drop 'around'?
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  10. #30
    We do, Danny, turned from a relative open society to one where we even fear our neighbours.

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