Danny's NaPoWriMo - Page 2

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Thread: Danny's NaPoWriMo

  1. #11
    That fish, the glass beads, it reminds me of the current hell: that of the fish, filled with plastic that overtakes the oceans, and how it will take all mankind to the Underworld, and how it will not matter we do not look back at all.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    I am a clay potato in a strawberry field
    -Darren White, from "Clumsy"

  2. #12
    Dannyboy, I particularly like the first stanza of 'Visitation'. I just wonder who 'they' are. It might behoove you to unpack that preposition somewhat.

    Sorry to hear about your troubles.

  3. #13
    Boy can I ever relate to "divorce". The first two stanzas nail it. Well done. I don't think you need the rest of the poem at all after S2. Besides, the last stanza is a tell.

  4. #14
    Hugs to you! I hope you are doing okay <3
    your poem “the visitation” is a wonderful poem
    “It's weird not to be weird." — John Lennon

  5. #15
    day 5:

    Bonnie:

    The last of thirteen
    all gone now, bones beneath
    stories in the wind
    as much as I am unsettled
    by her death
    I am equally struggling to grasp
    my generation is now the oldest.

    Born in the back of a cart
    the river flooded
    the doctor too far and the horse
    was never brave
    Bonnie survived them all
    never wanted to.

  6. #16
    I'm starting to repeat myself. The last stanza says it all. You don't need the first stanza. S2 is a better poem on its own. In fact, I think it's stunning. Maybe put a period after "all" and start a new sentence for the last line.

    Sorry, I don't mean to sound insensitive. It's a eulogy and perhaps one should not critique eulogies. I'm just trying to address the poem as a work of art in itself. Hard times tend to produce great art so write as much as you can.

  7. #17
    its fine,TL

    I wouldn't post if I couldn't see there is work behind/beneath.

    Part of this process is that I seriously mean no edits, I am not thinking at all, I am just starting from a blank page I write and that is the poem. At the ends of this process i will work through each and every poem and search for the gems. Your insights are invaluable. I thak you each time you read and each time you comment, if you feel you are repeating yourself its because I tend to make the same mistakes.

  8. #18
    I understand and I think it’s a good process. With such a method we often have to write a kind of preamble to get warmed up before we actually arrive at the poem. Of course it’s entirely up to you whether you edit at all. I just call it how I see it.

  9. #19
    Danny, you know I'm a fan and I'm enjoying these. Sorry for your rough patch, life never asks us if it's a convenient time or not, but like Tim said hard times do inspire sensitive minds to create. Get it all out there, it can help.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  10. #20
    day 6

    the ride

    Why then, that early
    on a skateboard no less –
    heading out of town
    or heading in,
    the sun behind
    or not yet risen?

    In the dark
    a moving black against black –
    what chance the driver
    or the child overseas
    who doesn't even know
    she no longer has a father?

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