The Ethereals - The Origin


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  1. #1

    The Ethereals - The Origin

    Hi everyone,
    This is just a few pages of the opening of my fantasy book. It has three key elements, hero, protagonist, and love.

    The Origin

    450 million years ago a giant star in the Milky Way Galaxy imploded into super nova shooting gamma rays toward a small blue planet. The primitive life living there was blissfully unaware that it was only a matter of time before their world would come to an end.

    450 million years ago no creature crawled, walked, or flew over the land. But the oceans where abundant with life filling every corner of evolution. But even the ocean is no protection from the Gamma Ray bursts of a super nova. Eighty percent of the life living in the oceans died instantly and those that did escape suffered growing weaker over time and dying setting the stage for the next turn of the evolutionary wheel of life.

    He became conscience of the world around him as his powerful senses suddenly kicked into life. His will power became a driving force that defied evolution drinking in the deadly gamma rays of the super nova, that had brought him to life. He looked around seeing nothing else, but somehow knew that in time he would not be alone.

    He teleported exploring the world around him. The harsh deadly environment was no match for the powerful abilities that gave birth to him. Teleportation came natural to him as did all his abilities. As his mind expanded each of his abilities became more clear. Manipulating and changing the elements around him, gave him the ability to create his own atmosphere. In his ever expanding mind it became clear to him the ability to manipulate basic elements also gave him the ability to manipulate the dna of other life in the world around him.

    Somewhere inside his mind caution surfaced, that manipulating the dna of other life forms was defying their natural evolution and should not be done. It was in that moment of realization of what is right and wrong, he felt the presence of another in his mind.

    She floated in the sky confused looking down at the great ocean below. Has she looked down to the water far below, realized that defying gravity was just one of her powerful abilities. Her first and most powerful ability was viewing, allowing her to see all the world at once. She looked out at the world around her, seeing the dead and the dying witnessing the mass extinction of the many life forms that had once called the vast oceans home.

    He teleported by her side, she turned to look at him, a warning went off in her mind. She started to teleport away when he reached out and grabbed her. She then looked into his eyes, becoming captivated by what she saw. Kindness, understanding shined back at her, she could feel his mind gently pushing against her mind asking for permission to enter. Her body relaxed as fear and tension drained from her muscles. Then he spoke to her,
    "Are you ok?"
    "Yes." Came her reply, "But how did we get here? She looked at him then down at the ocean waves, then turned staring up onto the heavens as the brightest event in the Universe began to fade away. It was clear to her, that event was what created a new life, her life.

    He softly said in her mind, "Now you understand."
    Their two minds melted in an embrace of understanding and learning who they really are. They were lost in the tender touches of each other's minds. The soothing feeling of each other's presence gave them comfort.

    The embrace of their minds felt another mind pushing hard to get in, both felt his fear and need for comfort. As he pushed harder to belong, they opened up allowing him in. The new mind pushed him away from her. So he pulled his mind out floating away a few feet then stopped. He watched the two not knowing what was happening to her.

    The new mind pushed harder against hers with a demanding need to belong. What he wanted was overpowering her, she pushed back hard against him when fear gripped her, she closed her mind hard pushing him out. She quickly teleported away only to have him follow her. Knowing it was futile to escape she stopped to confront him, he grabbed her pushing his mind hard against hers.

    She fought hard against him trying to keep her mind closed, but again he was overpowering her pushing hard against her defenses. She started to scream in pain, as his relentless demand to belong punished her for rejecting him.

    She was growing weaker and weaker, losing the battle of wills, feeling the cold hand of death or even worse of being possessed by a cruel mind. Fear gripped her so hard her entire body clamped up as she went into shock, the pain was becoming unbearable. Still he attacked her, she knew he would either possess her or kill her.

    Suddenly his mind left her's as a powerful force hit him, tearing his grip from her body. She pulled back out of reach too weak to fight. The two rival wills locked together in a fight to the death. Battle of wills so explosive it electrified the air around them, the new mind pushed hard against the first mind with hatred and jealousy wanting what he had.

    She shuddered in fear for the one she now knew she loved, losing him would mean being alone, at the mercy of a monster. All she could do was watch, preparing to either flee or die, when suddenly a powerful explosion sent her flying back through the air.

    The one she loved shot out a golden beam from his eyes, knocking the intruder almost senseless, just stopping short of killing him. All three hung in the sky looking at each other, she quickly floated over beside the one she wanted to belong too.

    His kind and gentle mind reached into hers, soothing her saying, "It's time for us to leave and if he follows and hurts you again, I will kill him."
    Last edited by gene; March 26th, 2019 at 11:52 PM.

  2. #2
    I think there's an interesting concept here but some of the writing left me confused. It wasn't clear to me until the end that these entities were corporeal or had bodies. There could be more explanation here of what or who they are outside of their powers. Are they humans? Animals? Something else entirely? Also, towards the end, when the third 'mind' turns up, it was confusing to me as to which of the two apparently male minds was which. Maybe describing them first would allow you to use those descriptions to improve clarity.
    I'd also like to know more about the world they're in. What does it look like and what other life is there? As it is at the moment I'm just imagining blobs floating around in an empty world that only has an ocean that is devoid of life.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by buck06191 View Post
    I think there's an interesting concept here but some of the writing left me confused. It wasn't clear to me until the end that these entities were corporeal or had bodies. There could be more explanation here of what or who they are outside of their powers. Are they humans? Animals? Something else entirely? Also, towards the end, when the third 'mind' turns up, it was confusing to me as to which of the two apparently male minds was which. Maybe describing them first would allow you to use those descriptions to improve clarity.
    I'd also like to know more about the world they're in. What does it look like and what other life is there? As it is at the moment I'm just imagining blobs floating around in an empty world that only has an ocean that is devoid of life.
    First I want to thank you for the review, because I was beginning to wonder if anyone was going to give my post a review.

    I am sorry for the confusion, because I didn't post the entire story line and only a part, I can see why it can be confusing. To get a better understanding you can look up the Ordovician extinction which was the first extinction level event the Earth ever had, just click on the name I bookmarked it there for you. The Origin of The Ethereals I created took place during this extinction period. The theory is that a star imploded sending deadly powerful gamma rays that hit the earth causing the extinction. At that time there was life in the oceans, much like life in the oceans are today, just different. The three Ethereals do not have corporeal bodies, but are solid. But their minds are so powerful that they can mind meld and speak, tell how each other feels by touching each other's minds.

    In the rest of the story line they take on their names, but I felt it was just not time to do so in the part that you read. I am sorry about the confusion between the first mind and the new mind which is the third to appear.

    I loosely based the characters on the ancient Egyptian gods. Geb the first mind, Newet (or Nut, Nuit) the female and Seth (Or Set) the antagonist. I also bookmarked each of their names you can click on.

  4. #4
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    I think you have quite a promising idea here. It does seem a little short on detail though. A more expansive description of the planet, the characters etc. would improve the 'grab' of your reader. It's most important to get your reader's attention within the first couple of paragraphs. How did the first 'being', having just come to life, know about DNA and have the conscience to distinguish between right and wrong? How did the woman know about love? These are the sort of details I refer to. I feel you have gone too far too quickly. Such details would give the story 'body'. It seems a little ephemeral as it is.

    There are also some errors of grammar, some rather odd sentence construction and unnecessary repetitions.

    It is worth persevering and bringing it to life.

  5. #5
    It is a good idea, I felt like you were going to do an Adam & Eve thing there. It was an interesting idea to make God a more localized deity.
    It did feel like you were rushing to tell the story tho. You rushed through key components like introducing your main character.
    Keep working at it. Good books don't write themselves.

  6. #6
    Thanks Everyone for reading and giving me better ideas. I have re-written this a bet from this version. I give them their names right away, and this is only part of a much longer involved story. Further on in the book the main character meets Nuit the female and here she is described in good detail through the eyes of this character. I am always willing to rewrite any part of the book.

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