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Thread: The Ethereals

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by gene View Post
    Thank you for your critique, what I am about to say I hope you don't take the wrong way.
    Not at all, and you're absolutely right about names. Just giving an honest account of why i stopped reading, for whatever it is worth.

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by H.Brown View Post
    I can email you an epub or pdf version of the first six chapters if you fancy giving it a whirl, although it does still have sone spelling mistakes that I haven't caught. My poetry I normally put into my blog, but have been thinking about writing a poetry anthology.
    I will pm you my email address.

  3. #13
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    I see this is chapter 3, have you posted chapter 2? I have only read the first few paragraphs as there are several mistakes.



    Na'tane sat in the house she grow up in [waiting for what Ruth needed to say,] This is confusing, simply 'waiting for Ruth to speak,'
    [I am] In normal speech people shorten such phrase. I'm
    Ruth [set] sat down beside her hugging her then reached down [touching] and touched her belly, "Little one, [your] you're with child."

    Na'tane jumped up looking at her [touching her belly,] ​who's belly? the phrase is unnecessary. "How do you know, [I have] I've not told anyone." Ruth smiled, "You can't fool me Sweetheart, I have delivered babies for years before you were born. Now [set] sit down and listen to what I have to tell you."

    Na'tane took her chair again beside Ruth, "Please mother, don't ask me to leave, Prince Lander loves me, and I love him. [He will] He'll not marry someone he does not love."

    Ruth said, "Quite child, listen to me. General U'tar and Lieutenant Randal came by to see me today." She paused looking into Na'tanes eyes. Na'tane saw something there [making] which made her heart beat faster with a [foreboding feeling.] feeling of foreboding.


    I hope this helps you.


  4. #14
    Farwell My Love
    And he's out of the gate with a running start. It's spelled 'Farewell.' I laughed pretty hard at this to be honest.
    "Little one, your with child."
    You're, not your. I only bring this up because you make this mistake multiple times. Your is used to indicate possession- your car, your table, your wife. You're is a conjunction of you are, which indicates a state or condition he person is in- "You're red, you're dead, you are tired."
    Na'tane saw something there making her heart beat faster with a foreboding feeling.
    The first part of this sentence is just wrong. How I would have written this is: "Na'tane saw something there that made her heart beat faster." The foreboding feeling part is somewhat redundant, we already know that she is stressed due to how she just reacted.
    Ruth pulled her back toward the chair, "You must set back down and let me finish, you have powerful magic, but that will not save your baby."
    Besides the obvious spelling mistake, it's better to show the reader your character's unique powers rather than just talking about them. Again, you make this mistake multiple times.

  5. #15
    The narrative flows nicely, but somewhere along the line you're going to need a fairly deep grammar and punctuation edit. Here is an example.

    Na'tane sat in the house she grow up in waiting for what Ruth needed to say, she was sitting beside her bed watching Ruth packing her belongs, "Why are you so worried about me, I am not going anywhere. Please stop your scaring me."
    With the bare minimum of correction, this should probably be:

    Na'tane sat in the house she grew up in, waiting for what Ruth needed to say. She was sitting beside her bed, watching Ruth pack her belongings. "Why are you so worried about me? I am not going anywhere. Please stop, you're scaring me."

    I don't know how old you are, but lots of younger folks never really got a lot of exposure to for
    mal grammar and punctuation. You have a good story line, likeable characters, and once one parses through the grammar and punctuation to figure out what you're trying to say, you have a clear narrative style. Be frugal (i.e. write more, party less) and save up some money for a good edit by someone who really knows this stuff. Please don't encourage some slush reader at a publishing house to toss a potentially excellent novel onto the scrap heap by making it hard for her to get through the grammar and punctuation. You deserve better.

  6. #16
    Where is the rest of the chapters?

  7. #17
    Gene, I love how this is. I really want to read it aloud to my family.

  8. #18
    Farwell My Love

    it should be farewell I think.

  9. #19
    The other thing you may want to think of a different name then UUTar and Randal they are so radically different.

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