Amythest chapter 1


Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Amythest chapter 1

  1. #1

    Amythest chapter 1

    Here's the first chapter of a novel I'm working on. I started it awhile back but only got 5 chapters in before I went back to poetry. I reread it all tonight and thought it was pretty interesting. Anyways here's first chapter. It's about alien protectors called keepers who initiate they're working force as warriors called guardians.
    Let me know if you'd like to read more! Will prolly put what I got so far on wattpad and make edits at daily intervals.

    Chapter 1:
    It was a rainy July evening. Summer was winding down and the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof only went to cement the uneasiness I felt about starting a new year. I had just barely squeaked past my junior year and now the final year of highschool crept around every corner as if to taunt my adolesent apathy. I had never been much of a school kid. I had only lived in this town for two years. Within the first few monthes of moving here my dad passed away from cancer and I found myself on the threshold of a new life. One devoid of all that made my world what it was. A life of rigerous routine and scheduling had been replaced by a life of lonely uncertiantity and drug use. Aside from rare moments of blinding reality I would share with my mother over our grief, I kept my feelings to myself. Some might say that that sort of coping mechanism would be more detrimental then beneficial but I found a solemn strength to my silence that unexepectedly went to help me find friends. It wasn't the same crowd that the preps or valedictorians would hang around with but they were my friends and I was grateful to have them.
    The rain had started to aggravate me. "Where are they?" I said outloud, breaking my train of thought. I left my room and walked down the hall to the living room to find my mother asleep. It seemed that all she does now after my dad passing is sleep, clean, and cook. I hated to be here any more then I had too. I snuck a ciggarette from her purse and slipped outside to the porch. I lit up and watched the rain fall on the orchid in the distance. I took a drag and glanced at my phone. 7:23. They should be here any minute. Just as the thought passed through my mind I heard the thumping of bass pierce through the rain as Michaels green ford focus pulled up into the driveway. Lights glaring through the haze of mother natures fog.
    "I hate folk."
    I took one final drag of my ciggarette before holding it out past the railing of the porch to put it out with a satisfying sizzle, then flicked it and ran to the car.
    "Hey man." Michael said, turning down the music as I climbed in the backseat. "Sorry it took so long, Luke got caught up again, junya status."
    "Oh shut the hell up." Luke said from the front seat. "I got it didn't I? What's it matter to you if I don't mind conversating with who we do business with?"
    "Yeah yeah." Michael replied automatically.
    Michael and Luke have been best friends since kindgergarden. I met Michael in science class a year ago after he smelt pot smoke on me. I had thought he was going to say something to the teacher but he just wanted to find out where I had gotten my weed. Truth be told I had snuck it from my one of my moms friends and had gotten high the for the first time at lunch before class. We quickly become fast friends and he introduced me to Luke. Michael was more of the party type then either one of us. He was more hard-headed and rebellious then Luke who had always been a good student but not very social. Luke was the smartest and probably could have easily made all A's in every class if not for his terrible social anxiety. His parents had split up a few years ago and it had damaged him more then he liked to admit. Michael, being the strong willed type he was, had helped Luke out more times then I could count, sometimes fighting for his misunderstood friend. The three of us had become inseperable.
    Michael pulled out of the driveway and headed east down the road to open country. "T-towns finest." Luke said proudly as he held out a red baggy half filled with glistening crystal shards, flicking it as he eyeballed our prize. "Half a gram for 40 bucks."
    "Score." I replied nonchalantly, pulling out the eyeglass case I carried my pipe in. "Lets have it."
    Luke turned around to hand me the baggy as Michael started thumbing through his cd case.
    "Gimme that!" Luke said as he snatched away the cd case from Michael. "You wanna kills us all? How impatient can you be? Vincents loading the bowl now."
    "Jeez.." Michael huffed, surpised at his shy friends random outburst of confidence. "What do you wanna listen to?"
    "Put modest mouse on. Noones first and your next should be in there somewhere." Michael music taste was in stark contrast to his personality. You would figure a guy like him would be more into death metal or punk rock like me and Luke. Oddly enough though he was more apt to throw on Bright Eyes, or Okervil River. He was a strange cat, that's for sure.
    "I'm tired of modest mouse." Luke said as he slipped the cd in.
    "I'm not." Michael replied with a smile, turning the volume up till the bass nearly made me spill our score all over the backseat.
    "Loaded yet?" Luke asked with sly anticipation.
    "No. There's still half a bowl left from last time." I said lighting up the solidfied crystals. "Phew!" I exhaled a cloud of smoke that would have gotten a dragon high and passed the pipe up to Luke. Twisting, smoking, twisting, he took his hit and blew out a cloud just as big as the one I was able to conjur, cooling the glass with a rag he'd wetted after giving me the baggy. He gave the pipe to Michael just as we came to his uncles abandoned ranch.
    His uncle had moved away a few months back. Noone ever came here and it was private property. We were free to do all mischevious planning we wanted under the safety of the orange barn behind the house his uncle had left behind. We pulled into our spot as Michael put the car in park, ready to take his first hit of the day.
    "Go ahead and polish it off man." I said, eyein our baggy like a rabid dog. He took a few hits to cash the bowl and handed the pipe back to me.
    "Anyone see what Charlotte was wearing today?" He said, letting his high carry his thoughts off to dreamland.
    "Not this again." Luke said. "How many times do I gotta tell you to stop stalking my sister!"
    "Hahah! I can't help it dude. She wants my body."
    "I'm sure she does. That's why she broke up with you after going out with you for how long? Two days was it?"
    "Hey, I can't help it if someone doesn't fully appreciate someone helping her sibling." "She only went out with you out of pity. Beat up a bully and gain a two day pass!" he replied, obviously letting the effects of the dope keep him fully expressing the appreciation we know he felt for having his best friend defend him from loser assholes.
    "You and I both know shes too good for people like us." The hard reality of that fact hit both of us pretty hard. Charlotte was Lukes older sister. A sweet, kind hearted girl who was drop-dead gorgeous and Lukes polar opposite in just about every respect. They hung around vastly different people. The preps don't associate with the pot-heads, and aside from casual greetings in the hallways, she kept to her business and we kept to ours. Besides the fact that her boyfriend, the starting QB, was as stereotypical fuckhead jock as you could get.
    I loaded half the baggy and begin to melt it down just as the song "Satellite skin" wrapped up the final chorus. "Have yall noticed the spot for the new snake eyes building?" Michael said, changing subjects to attack the silence as usual. "I hear they study dead bodies there for secret governement research."
    The building Michael referred to was acutally a pharmacuetical lab called SerpentScale Inc. The company specialized in biomedical treatments for various ailments. There were only a few spots in America that housed the companies buildings and our town was one of them. We called it the snake eyes building because at the very top were two strange satellites that resembled snake eyes. Noone except a very select few ever had clearence to enter the building, let alone know for a certainty what exactly went on in there. It was an easy target for gossip and conspiracy theories. Especially for a small town. The building had not been up for half a year before another spot had been cleared for a second sister building.
    "It's just a pharm lab." Luke replied. "I'm so freaking tired of people rambling off fairy tales about some corporate building. Really goes to show the maturity level of the hicks that live here." His cynicism was in full swing.
    "Oh, come on, there's no telling what those weirdos do there. Have you seen what they wear to work? All black jumpsuits. I'm telling ya, they do some wierd shit there. Mark my words." I had just finished clearing out the cut and taking a hit as he finished his sentence. Handing him the pipe, I listened to them squabble over this, that and the other thing. I couldn't focus much on anything except the dope we had. Both Michael and Luke had been smoking longer then I have but for some reason I was more apt to the addiction cycle then either one of them. All I cared about right now was getting high and pretending that my senior year didn't exist. Michael blew out his second hit as he passed the pipe to Luke.
    "Some good shit. I'm high already." Without missing a beat, Luke took his hit and passed the pipe back to me.
    "Lemme see that rag." Luke handed me the wet rag as I cooled off the pipe, putting it back into the case.
    "What are you doing?" Michael said, not caring to snap out of his train of thought.
    "I need to move around man, this stuffs hitting me harder then I thought it would." I could feel my pupils dialate after the last hit, as a rush of dopamine and adrenaline flew up my spine, giving me the goosebumbs. I slipped the pipe in my pocket and opened the door.
    "Come on yall."
    "It's fucking raining and its fucking cold as shit out there! Luke said, subconsciously following in his friends footsteps.
    "I agree." Micheal said.
    "Not under the barn. Come on lets just look around for awhile and we'll finish the bowl. Yall ain't gotta get all wonder twins unite on me." I said, as I stepped out of the car. They turned down the music and followed after me.
    "Fine!" Michael said, slamming the door behind him.
    The barn was fairly large but old. Falling apart in most places. Still, it could have easiy have housed comfortably six or so horses. Both ends of the barn had had at one time had two truck size doors to seal both entrances that had been replaced by open air and a nostalgic feeling of times long passed. There was no structure inside the barn aside from a ladder leading up to the top floor and the only lighting came from the headlights of Michaels focus and a dim light operated by a rusty switch located at the west entrence. The ground was littered with falling apart bails of hay and old animal dung, giving off a smell reminiscent of a Nebrasken farm. Despite the fact of being in the middle of the deserts of New Mexico. I walked over to the ladder and started to climb. My extremely high companions followed suit without a word, scambling up after me, hoping not to miss out on anything. If it had not been aside from a few large holes of termite destroyed wood on the ground it would have been completely dark.
    "Man this place is old." Luke said, wiping the dirt off his pants.
    "It is." Michael said. "Condition hasn't changed much. Lets go dude." Just as soon as they had stood foot on the second level they were already climbing down to the car.
    "Yeah..Just wanted to check it out." I replied to myself. Letting them slip off. As I went to follow them I notice a light at the end of one of the sides of the crudley constructed wooden roof. It was a strange purple light that seemed to grow brighter the closer I walked towards it. A glowing purple crystal. It picked it up and cupped it in my right hand. It was heavier then It looked. The glow was inescabable. I felt like a fly drawn towards a bug zapper. I stared as the precious stone vibrated with life and color, almost as if to synch with the pulse of my hand. "Whoa." I said, closing my fist around the strange crystal. I ran to the ladder, eager to show my new discovery. " Guys check it ou--." Before I could finish my sentence, I black out, just before reaching the ladder.

  2. #2
    Hi Alrest. I'm assuming this is a YA novel? Some of the terminology you use escapes me, but I can guess the meaning based on your characters interactions.

    First, though, lets address formatting. Right up front, Ford Focus should be capitalized, because it is a proper name. To use the word "focus" in a sentence without capitalization, looses the significance.

    Would have appreciated some spacing between paragraphs. If you cut and paste material and some spacing is lost, you can correct that before posting. It makes it so much easier to read when there is proper spacing.

    You have some incomplete sentences (green) and misspellings (red).

    "Yeah..Just wanted to check it out." I replied to myself. Letting them slip off. As I went to follow them I notice a light at the end of one of the sides of the crudley constructed wooden roof. It was a strange purple light that seemed to grow brighter the closer I walked towards it. A glowing purple crystal. It picked it up and cupped it in my right hand. It was heavier then It looked. The glow was inescabable. I felt like a fly drawn towards a bug zapper. I stared as the precious stone vibrated with life and color, almost as if to synch with the pulse of my hand. "Whoa." I said, closing my fist around the strange crystal. I ran to the ladder, eager to show my new discovery. " Guys check it ou--." Before I could finish my sentence, I black out, just before reaching the ladder.

    Generally speaking, as a first chapter, I think it might be better to focus on action, rather than an explanation of why. Like:

    It was a rainy July evening. Summer was winding down and the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof only went to cement the uneasiness I felt about starting a new year. I had just barely squeaked past my junior year and now the final year of high(space)school crept around every corner as if to taunt my adolesent apathy.

    (new paragraph)I had never been much of a school kid. I We had only lived in this town for two years. Within the first few monthes of moving here my dad passed away from cancer and I found myself on the threshold of a new life(comma). Oone devoid of all that made my world what it was. A life of rigerous routine and scheduling had been replaced by a life of lonely uncertiantity and drug use. Aside from rare moments of blinding reality I would share with my mother over our grief, I kept my feelings to myself. Some might say that that sort of coping mechanism would be more detrimental then beneficial but I found a solemn strength to my silence that unexepectedly went to help me find friends. It wasn't the same crowd that the preps or valedictorians would hang around with but they were my friends and I was grateful to have them.

    This is just a random example of what I mean. I am not particularly impressed with the techniques of getting high in an opening chapter. While it may be something that draws in some readers, the concept of successfully using drugs to belay any negative feelings of life is not, to me, valid. Try giving your readers more of a reason to care about your MC. Maybe show at least a reluctance to use drugs at first. Making your readers care about your MC before he makes mistakes in his life can be helpful in wanting them to read on.

    I would suggest trying again with this chapter. The spacing, misspelled words, etc. is a little distracting to the read. Thanks for posting and I hope you keep working on it. Try reading it out loud to catch any errors in tense.
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  3. #3
    Hey thanks for the reply! What is YA? The MC is heavily based on me but not entirely . I realize the grammar mistakes and the paragraphs were properly spaced in original document . It seems you've cut alot of what j deem necessary writing but I do appreciate your insight and suggestions. Thanks so much for reading .

  4. #4
    YA is young adult. I'm not saying that part should be cut forever. I'm saying the first chapter might not be the most perfect place to explore the family dynamic.
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  5. #5
    Hi Alrest

    Firstly, well done for posting, it takes a lot of courage to put your work out there for critique!

    Also, the advice given by the very-experienced Sue is excellent, so do make use of that.

    My opinion, is that you have some skill and should definitely keep writing and learning. There are a few good phrases in there, like 'put it out with a satisfying sizzle'. However, you really need to spend some more time on spelling, punctuation and grammar, as it will be hard to get people to read it for content and style when there are distracting mistakes to deal with, just like it would be difficult to get agents or publishers to give it the time of day, for the same reason.

    There are spelling mistakes which would easily have been found with a spell-check on Word, or whatever, so you should pay attention to those wiggly lines. The punctuation is a bit trickier as computers don't seem too reliable on that. You could first look at how to avoid mistakes with apostrophes, like here -

    'It's fucking raining and its fucking cold as shit out there!'

    - where you get the first 'it's' right but not the second. Then you should have a read online about how to punctuate dialogue as you are not getting that right; a comma is used before a dialogue tag, not a full-stop, for example. Also, you should look at commas, full-stops, semi-colons etc generally.

    We all need help with this stuff so you're not alone, trust me. I'm still learning too, and can occasionally be found watching vids about punctuation etc, on Youtube, aimed at 10 year-olds!

    If you sorted all that sort of stuff out, your work would be much better immediately. Although, even with those mistakes, it is obvious that you do have writing ability, so please keep going! You could join us over in the LM challenge threads and submit a story or two, it's really good practice and will certainly develop your skills. I think voting for this month's prompt is still open so pop over and have a look.

    Arachne

  6. #6
    A lot of sound observations have been made already.
    One issue that glared at me was the title; it's so in-my-face that I can't fail to mention that Amythest should be Amethyst.

    You have something to work with here, but it does need a fair bit of editing. Well done on making a start.


Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.