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Thread: Ghost Light

  1. #11
    Thank you, Omnitech! I really appreciate it. Welcome to the forum, by the way. Thanks for reading my story. I do agree, the details of setting the time and date could have probably been fleshed out a little better, and I did play with that a little, but everything I tried seemed to slow the momentum, so yes, it ended up being a little more vague than I would have preferred. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you again!
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Amnesiac View Post
    Thank you, Omnitech! I really appreciate it. Welcome to the forum, by the way. Thanks for reading my story. I do agree, the details of setting the time and date could have probably been fleshed out a little better, and I did play with that a little, but everything I tried seemed to slow the momentum, so yes, it ended up being a little more vague than I would have preferred. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you again!
    You're very welcome! Is this a one off story or do you plan on continuing it?

  3. #13
    Member MzSnowleopard's Avatar
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    All I have to say is to watch your tenses. ED and ING. I get called on this myself, outside of quotes, try to avoid using ING words. This is the advice I consistently get, so I pass it along. Great job on limiting the LY words.

    I look forward to reading more from you.
    "Sometimes I wish I could stay asleep, not because my life is that dull and boring but because my dreams are just that good." - Mindy Dyksterhouse (MzSnowleopard)
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  4. #14
    Amnesiac:

    I liked the story very much, it showed that you have a firm understanding of the mechanics of writing. You did a great job of illustrating your characters and the scene itself, I have a firm image of the house & grandpa, and I can imagine the altar-room below easily.
    Also, the story was intriguing. Now I'm wondering where Grandpa went to.

    Critique: Cut back on the use of adjectives, especially in the first sentence (there were like 4 in the opening sentence.)
    Also, avoid $5 words.
    You also had a couple of spots where you got a bit too granular (like when he was preparing the flashlight.) It is good that you were detail oriented, but it makes the paragraph a bit laborious. Keep only the parts that specifically speak to the nature of the character or the setting. In other words, unless you are trying to use that paragraph to paint your character as being disheveled or disorganized (or just a crazy old man) the spot could stand some trimming.


    PS: I only read the first version, dunno if you changed these things in the 2nd draft. But it's a very good story, keep at it.

  5. #15
    Thanks, everyone. As ever, I appreciate the reads and the critique. Omnitech, I get that question a lot, as to whether I am going to continue with this character, or further develop the story. To be honest, I don't know. For now, I think I've carried this story and character as far as I can. I may revisit it at a later time. Glad you enjoyed it!
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

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