The Red Lion

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Thread: The Red Lion

  1. #1
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    The Red Lion

    The Red Lion

    A friend’s toddler
    pulls a toy
    around my kitchen island.

    Turning away,
    I look out the window
    into the anemic afternoon light.

    Shifting my gaze,
    to an amaryllis sitting
    on my table top,
    I admire how
    the sun brightens
    the vibrant green stalk.

    My white-faced hound
    flaps his ears and
    walks away from my feet
    as my sigh tiptoes behind him.

    The sagging
    snow bygone covered branch
    stares-in at my chair
    mirroring my expression.

    Outside, the white latticed world
    seems to shakes
    with hopeful laughter
    as the wind blows
    on my aching heart.

    Encapsulated I sit,
    waiting,
    for the clouds to pass
    the painted feather pines.
    And for the blue sky
    to open up
    to the face of the red lion.

    Here's the edited version:
    The Red Lion

    A friend’s toddler
    pulls my son's toy
    around my kitchen island.

    Turning away,
    I look out the window
    into the anemic afternoon light.

    Shifting my gaze,
    to the budding amaryllis
    sitting on my table top,
    I admire how
    the sun brightens
    the vibrant green stalk.

    My white-faced hound
    flaps his ears and
    walks away from my feet
    as my sigh tiptoes behind him.

    The sagging
    snow covered branch
    stares-in at my chair
    mirroring my expression.

    Outside, the white latticed world
    seems to shakes
    with hopeful laughter
    as the wind blows
    away maternal memories.

    Encapsulated I sit,
    waiting,
    for the clouds to pass
    the painted feather pines.
    And for the blue sky
    to open up
    to the bloom of the red lion.

    Last edited by tinacrabapple; February 14th, 2019 at 10:28 PM.

  2. #2
    There are some really good lines here, for example:

    anaemic afternoon light

    Walks away from my feet
    as my sighs tiptoes behind him


    and yet this doesn't quite work for me. If we look at the first stanza it needs something stronger to pull the reader in, and in fact is it even needed as I feel the piece really starts at L2 S2. There are some cliches that should be reworked like the aching heart and sagging branches. Overall I feel it is a solid base to work from but it needs more emotion.


    Pinkus

  3. #3
    I like this poem in which the writer is full of thinking about life and world.
    I like this forum.
    For above ten years I havn't logged in here. And today I am back.

  4. #4
    Welcome back

  5. #5

    I am very happy for reading this .

    Quote Originally Posted by Kevin View Post
    Welcome back

  6. #6
    Member
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    I posted an edited version of this poem. I think it is more clear in terms of the writer's intent.

  7. #7
    Member
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    Hi Pinkus,
    Maybe the edited version makes for sense. My husband made a few suggestions that help pull it more together.

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