Literary Maneuvers Jan 2019 - Scores


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    Literary Maneuvers Jan 2019 - Scores

    I want to thank all the entrants for making this a well-attended contest. It was a good turnout this month, with established faces and new ones in attendance. Your contribution is very much appreciuated.

    Anyway on with it. To the scores. And all I can say on that is: it's a close one.

    Here are the details:

    Scores: SueC:

    (1) Slow Burn
    Candervalle
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 8
    Overall: 16

    Review: Hi Candervalle. This was a nice little number. Only a few nits ("they wasn’t seeing me," "Like they was lost or something"). These were the only two sentences which might have been an effort to reflect on the way your main character naturally spoke, perhaps an indication of his limits, but the rest of the read didn't support that, so I saw them as "nits."

    I found myself wanting to ignore the contradictions - this was just a time and place thing, with no explanations required or given. You weren't trying to encourage those readers stuck in a dead end job; you were just reporting on the days of one who felt like he was. I liked your character. He seemed a genuine sort, although a little one-dimensional, with a girl who was remarkably loyal. It was well put together and believable. Surely, there is a guy out there who short orders every day and is happy with his lot. It was not, however, very compelling. Aside from the idea that we need to have all of those "back-bone" people who do the little jobs every day, I think it might have been a better read if some of the barriers to travel, for example, were identified; if you gave your MC a little more dimension.

    Good, though, and the prompt was evident. Thanks, Candervalle!

    (2) Diakaashe
    Velo
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 7
    Overall: 16

    Review: Hey Velo. The overall story was good. I did have the feeling, however, that it would have been a better read as a much longer story. The repetitive native names were distracting and I sort of lost track of who was who. I think a few pronouns, as opposed to the full names every time, might have worked better. I saw no other SPAG issues, and the prompt was evident.

    The part where the natives all spoke of what they had become in the smoke, seemed a little redundant of the previous paragraph. Even though I recognize the need for their acknowledgement of what had happened to them during their experience, maybe this part could be worked on a bit.

    I recognize the difficulty of writing such a piece. Native names are so special and unique, unlike our own standards, and I applaud your attempt at showing their beauty. You did a good job building the tension as the story went along, and incorporating everyone's role.

    Since you didn't have the room to fully develop the relationship between Bird-Flies-Swiftly and Screeching Hawk, I don't really think it was a necessary component to the story you were trying to tell. I think realizing that he had been named Chief would have had a much more dramatic impact, if it had stood alone.

    Thank you for your entry, Velo. Good job.



    (3) BUTTER: A Fairy Tale
    ArrowinthebowoftheLord
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 9
    Overall: 17

    Review: Hello Arrow! I really liked your story. The beginning drew me in; short, to the point, no superfluous words. I loved that - we got on the with story. Likewise, the ending - short and so on with the caveat "everything comes with a price." This was really well done.

    The middle was fun and an enjoyable read. It was the perfect amount of consequences for someone who thought he only wanted the secrets of the universe. Having three terrible hounds at his disposal seemed an odd trade-off for the secrets, but for less than 650 words, there wasn't much time for haggling.

    I saw a couple of errors, one in which your MC gaped instead of gasped, and the other was the use of ellipses. This tool is used to indicate missing words, but not as you used them in your story, which seemed to indicate a pause (“An. . .acronym?” and " Thus, your Summoning Word shall be. . .BUTTER.”); no other SPAG issues that I could see.

    It was well written and the prompt was evident. Good job and thanks for your submission, Arrow.

    (4) Wild Cries in the Night
    Arachne
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 8
    Overall: 16

    Review: Arachne, upsetting content, indeed. I thought you did okay in composition, although I think the reflections that occurred may have been just a bit unrealistic. Remembering Elmo falling into the tub, and even in the dream state remembering that the batteries to the alarm had been removed, seemed a little bit of a stretch. All that aside, I had no trouble envisioning the landscape of the house.

    The story you tell is very compelling, so I'll focus on time and place instead. The couple steps out of their bedroom and sees the fire crawling up the stairs to the landing. Your MC tells us (readers) that the fire is creating an ever growing barrier between them and Katie's room, which tells me that it is just smoke in the couples' bedroom. So Alison makes a u-turn back into the bedroom to go out the window and MC goes toward the flames down the hall, jumps over them and into Katie's bedroom. He sees her gone, looks out the window, talks to the firemen, who tell him they have their daughter and then he climbs down a ladder and gets to Katie to give her hugs.

    The problem I see is that unless they have a ballroom for a bedroom, it would have taken Alison less than a minute to make it to a window, maybe about the time MC got into Katie's room. We knew the firemen were already there because they were able to get Katie out before the parents even stepped into the hall. So it seems sort of odd that Alison would then still be sitting on the window ledge in flames after all of that time. I know the POV is the MC, so we had to stay with him, but I wonder if you could create some kind of barrier that would have kept Alison in the bedroom window for a length of time. Maybe she was afraid of heights and couldn't make herself jump, or something kept the firefighters from putting up a ladder as they had for MC and daughter Katie. Just a thought.

    What a sad story. You did a good job with this, other than what I have mentioned. I didn't see any SPAG issues and the prompt was evident. Good job, Arachne, and thanks for your submission.

    (5) Chest X-ray
    epimetheus
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 9

    Overall: 17
    Review: Hi epimetheus. It's a difficult matter to capture the sheer terror and initial denial that accompanies a cancer diagnosis, but you did this well. An uneducated man, I suspect someone who has to see to believe, he comes face to face with technology he does not understand, hoping the professionals are dead wrong. You did a good job in 650 words, epimetheus, taking us from the no, it can't be me, to knowing that is. The dialect is a little rough - so much so that if I didn't know what was happening, I wouldn't be sure what was being said - but that is an easy fix, I think. It is a moment in time. Devastating for most who hear that word, and you gave us a look-see of what it was like for your character.

    " Shit. I got cancer." Mr. Edwards seeing the face of death in the "smoke." Other than the dialect, there were a few places where there were commas that should have been periods, but again, an easy fix. (“No. This part is your heart,” if she thought I was being dense, she hid it well")

    You definitely incorporated the prompt. Good job and thanks for your submission.

    (6) Indecision
    Megan Pearson
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 7
    Overall: 15

    Review: Hey Megan. Good for you on your first LM comp. The story held so much! You could have written 650 on two kiddos sitting on a front porch watching the fire in the distance, but you incorporated so much more than that. "Dress Blues" indicates that John is in the Marines, and a reference at the end told me that Lucy might be pregnant. No indication why John wasn't coming around anymore, except that Lucy didn't want to wait for him forever. This was all guess work - not part of the story, but alluded to. I also didn't really understand the reference to "Laura" in the second paragraph. Without the other vague details after that, mentioning "choices" may have been a bit premature.

    I did get a slight sense of disconnect between that moment between brother and sister on the porch and the actual urgency of getting ready to leave. Lucy even stated that it was "way too far away," so it seemed a little too hasty to suddenly be filled with anxiety about leaving. I would have loved to see more on the landscape, as you did in the beginning of your story. Those of us who have not experienced those horrible fires have no real practical knowledge of how you judge, how you know when the time to leave is upon you. I think if you had left off the hints about the absent boyfriend, and just focused on the fire, it might have been a little better read. I think you had a much bigger story than 650 words would allow for.

    Good job for your first try, Megan. The ending left me wanting more, especially if it really was John at the door of their home, seen while they drove away. I saw no real issues with SPAG, except for (“Think it will come this way?” He asked); the prompt was evident. Thanks for your submission.


    (7) The Foundling
    Periander
    Spelling/Grammar: 4
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 8
    Overall: 16

    Review: Hi Periander and welcome to your first LM comp! This was a good attempt, a moment in time of war. I often have trouble identifying a time period when writers, such as yourself, submit stories with landscapes that are not familiar. In this story, I don't know if you are writing historically of some under-developed people, like the Goths or even the Vikings, or if it's some future scene that in fiction, we have yet to experience. Certainly a time that does not value human life, except for that of a small child. In some ways, it was contradictory. You profiled two soldier types who talk of burning a village very casually, but also remark on their soldiers being afraid of the village mothers and running away from them. But then it reads as if everyone in the village had been killed, while they were looking for arban, whatever that is. Again, everyone except for the baby.

    Generally, there were no SPAGs. In 3 small central paragraphs, you used the word "smell," or "smells" 7 times. It might be a good idea to read your work out loud so you can pick up on any repetitions like that. It was a little distracting.

    I did like this tale, though, and would love to see it enhanced a little. Sometimes the story gets too big for 650 words, and it leaves your reader wanting more! That's me! I wanted to know who or what the arban were, and about the home life of your MC. He had a wife (I assume) who wanted a child and he was going to bring her one. "And the spirit of the father will go on ..." is another contradiction to my impression of your MC, but again, leaves me wanting to know more. Why does he care about the spirit of a man he has just killed?

    Good job, Periander, and thanks for your submission.

    ( Prowl
    Kebe
    Spelling/Grammar: 3
    Tone/Voice: 4
    Effect: 8
    Overall: 15

    Review: Hi Kebe, and welcome to your first LM comp. Good job, here. I liked the rise in tension all the way to the conclusion. You did a good job with that and the pace was kept throughout.

    I would suggest not relying so heavily on a dog's expression to indicate an emotion. Those of us who love our animals are often entertained by the human "expression" we think they hold, but in truth they are just being dogs, not humans. ("Then, to her surprise, the pup stiffened and grew a grave expression in his wrinkled face.") There are other ways that dogs demonstrate anxiety - they shiver, they whine, they focus their attention on something in particular. I have a cat who stares fixedly at the ceiling every time a spider strolls by and it always freaks me out.

    There were a few little nits and imo, an overuse of commas. ("freezing air-conditions," "In the meantime, she had to trust on the well, for cold water," "Mary sat like frozen, she wanted to call out for Buster, ") As I said, though, you did very well with the pace of the story and the prompt was evident. I already mentioned the SPAG issues.

    Good job, Kebe, and thank you for your submission.



    Scores: -xXx-:

    Candervalle
    “Slow Burn"
    Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 9/10
    Overall:16/20

    Review:
    Entwined theme, excellent title, strong open/close, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) AWESOME!
    I really wanted to give you a gazillion points, but mechanics wouldn’t permit that. This is an incredibly life affirming short
    and the one I would identify as being in the market base of (Wellness-fallacy of employment as identity).
    Despite strong imagery, “they wasn’t/they was” ended up being the major detractor for this reader.
    Kudo: “To them, I’m just a shadow in the kitchen.”
    Please consider submitting for formal publishing consideration


    velo
    “Diakaashe"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 8 /10
    Overall: 16/20

    Review:
    Active component theme, provocative specific attractor title, open/close echos, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (First Nation/male rites)
    As a reader that researches with comfort, most of the language/context was simple to access, however hine‘awu-’sac'bi'waku’pak‘hine‘o-’tsia'sa'pem'ba'I'ri’cekya‘sa'waka‘wa! appears to be a critical component which several translation tools did not process. Beauty, be aware of it may be in-the-spirit of intention. This phrase minimized the potential connection of the tale for this reader.
    Kudo: Cultural diversity education

    ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    “BUTTER: a fairy tale "
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall: 15/20

    Review:
    Component theme, provocative specific attractor title, open/close echos, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (Humor, cautionary tale/folly).
    Classic style story of unintended consequence. Three headed dogs can be three times the trouble. Especially at the table. Especially if they are transported into new territories.
    Kudo: Humor

    Arachne
    “Wild Cries in the Night"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall: 15/20

    Review
    Critical component theme, anticipatory title with warning, open/close echos, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (Wellness-Public Safety, fire prevention/detector & alarm)
    Classic tale, forced choice (could they both have gone for the child?), cascading consequence, tragedy, cautionary tale.
    Kudo: IMHO, dialogue is a consistant strength for this author.
    Screenplay potential (including past works) of this author is intriguing.

    epimetheus
    “Chest X-ray"
    Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall:14/20

    Review:
    Critical component theme, specific attractor title with warning, open/close echos, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (Wellness-Antismoker, cautionary tale).
    Great use of conflict (trust dr/diagnostic, lifestyle/magic pill, game vs treatment, etc). While assessing tone/voice, constant presentation (thought and dialogue) of personal dialect enhanced the primary character and facilitated the concluding imagery.
    Kudo: anthropomorphic-demonification of emotion (putting a face on fear, apotropaic modifier), internalization

    Megan Pearson
    “Indecision”
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall:17/20

    Review
    Entwined theme, anticipatory title, open/close echos, context-process-resolution present, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (Wellness-Reproductive options).
    Great use of context (external, internal- fire, smoke, ash/uncertainty/urgency).
    Kudo: Dialogue

    Periander
    “The Foundling"
    Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect: 9/10
    Overall:19/20

    Review
    Immersion theme, title awesome=see below, open/close , strong & stronger , context-process-resolution clear multiple level, character(s) robust, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (Historical fiction, Wounded Warrior).

    Title, awesome, foundling as primary character &/or orphan-adoptee-spoils. Open/close strong sentence and paragraph. Depth of personal reveal interwoven and contrasted with support character(s). Terms easy to translate, became asset. When I grow up I want to write this well.
    Kudo: Great use of imagery. Vivid, Vivid, Vivid!
    fires roared and spat, smoke-drunk sky, (immediate tone),
    “It had spread across the jade sun like a garland.”
    “...thousand demons seemed to crawl above them through the suffocating air”
    Great character reveal.
    (looked like one of the masks/ It is not any different than before)
    (strange mask face vanished- wished he had stayed in the desert- way back into the world- where everything is simple and good)
    Please consider submitting for formal publishing consideration


    Kebe
    “Prowl"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 2/5
    Effect: 3/10
    Overall:9/20

    Review
    Incidental theme, specific attractor title with warning, open/close=see below , context-process-resolution present, character(s)=see below, impact (use of lang/technique including SPAG/GRAM)=see below, identity (sense of purpose) strong (“Natural Order”, cultural education, devo, helpless/hero and contextual support for such).
    “Mary sat on the toilet...”, “...never forget...”. “...a majestic silhouette...” “...a mocking grace...” The first five words were enough for this reader. It does inspire conceptual/semiotic weaponization training, new assessment of what constitutes “a threat/simple assault” and “classic embedded apotropaic/traumatic bonding through debased/degraded/humiliated projection(s) and glorification of predation”. I encounter victims of this with unreasonable frquency. Archetype Mary needs new friends for the sequel. Read with Brandon daydreaming on the toilet. Not your target market
    Kudo: Participation, 2019 awareness



    Scores: bdcharles:



    "Slow Burn"
    Caldervalle
    SPaG: 5/5
    T/V: 3/5
    Effect: 6/10
    Total: 14/20

    Review:
    I like your opening line. It is simple, subtle, but just hints at some change - the guy's got his first job as a chef. We are straight into backstory, though I don't think narrative progression is the point of this piece and in any case the writing is good: "dead end job along a dying stretch of highway" conveys the setting very well. The voice is good (abusing grammar to achieve its effect) though not the most original, but again, that's not the point. Nice little slice of life writeup. Clever wordplay in the title too.

    ---

    "Diakaashe"
    velo
    SPaG: 3.5/5
    T/V: 5/5
    Effect: 6.5/10
    Total: 15/20

    Review:
    I thoroughly enjoyed the voice in this entry, which worked perfectly for the length it was. There were some grammar and formatting wobbles that took me out of the events at times, but in general a good read and the sort of take on the prompt I was hoping for. I suppose the only thing that knocked the effect for me was that it took me a couple of goes to fully engage and figure out exactly what was happening. Also the narrative is essentially guy hopes to win girl; wins chiefhood as well. Fine, but maybe things come a bit too easy. The only challenge I saw was the idea that he wasn't going to be allowed to join the Apsáalooke-at'a. Some superb phrases though, throughout.


    ---

    "BUTTER: a fairy tale"
    ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    SPaG: 4/5
    T/V: 5/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Total: 16/20

    Review:
    It's always good to receive a comedy piece in these contests. I genuinely laughed out loud when the hounds charged through the dinner, and the personality of Butter came through strongly. Yeah. I am a fan of your writing anyway, and this entry showcases your versatility. Couple of repeated phrases but they barely bear, umm ... repeating? I suspect it wasn't a huge challenge for you to knock this up. Great stuff!
    ---

    "Wild Cries in the Night"
    Arachne
    SPaG: 5/5
    T/V: 2.5/5
    Effect: 5/10
    Total: 12.5/20

    Review:
    A well-written piece. The voice is a little generic for my tastes, but perfectly serviceable despite some shopworn expressions: "sirens punctuated the night". The prose could use soke tightening in places - quite alot of filtering and extra stuff like the wet Elmo toy. The main thing is it didn't really stir me up to anything. That said, you have lots of great sensory evocation - the crackle of the fire, the flashing lights in the smoke; you do these sorts of urgent details very well.

    ---

    "Chest X-ray"
    epimetheus
    SPaG: 4/5
    T/V: 3/5
    Effect: 6/10
    Total: 13/20

    Review:
    The grammar works well in support of the voice throughout. And the discrepancy that often occurs, between receiving a diagnosis and squaring that with the details of one's daily plans, comes across very well and carries alot of poignancy. The voice again is a little generic for me, though I could "hear" it, and narratively, it didn't really venture *too* many places, but well-written and a good read for all that.

    ---

    "Indecision"
    Megan Pearson
    SPaG: 4.5/5
    T/V: 4/5
    Effect: 7.5/10
    Total: 16/20

    Review:
    Oh, wow, I love your opening. I have a seriously weak spot for what I call the pastoral apocalyptic - a genteel scene of kindness backdropped by the most massive mayhem you can imagine. And you're straight in, and the situation's just happened. Perfect flash. I like the repetition here:
    But we had our things packed.
    We always had our favorite things packed.

    It suggests things are going to go bad. Maybe you could riff a little on the "they'll be by" rep., too, just to make readers know it is a thing rather than an error. Also - what is the significance of the "options"? What is the significance of John? The title? Is she pregnant? That left me a little confused. Also "It's finality" shouldn't have an apostrophe. But a pretty tight piece all in all, all supported by a fairly smooth writing style. Love this: "My heart had turned to ash"


    ---

    "The Foundling"
    Periander
    SPaG: 4.5/5
    T/V: 4.5/5
    Effect: 6/10
    Total: 15/20

    Review:

    I like the voice of this. The characters are wonderfully elliptical, seeming to speak in little more thatn monosyllables, which can really inform a piece with a certain feel. It's a different sort of setting too, the aftermath of a Mongol raid, and the voice fits very well there. And there is some fantastic imagery: "smoke-drunk sky" "reeking haze" "across the jade sun like a garland"

    Sentence structure starts out a little samey, and I'm not a huge fan of past-participle adverbs like dazedly. It tends to lead to things like irritatedly and enamouredly. Overrepeated use of the word "smell" seemed a little off. I also wanted this sentence "Burnt flesh smells and hot metal smells filled the earth." to be "Burnt flesh smells filled the earth. Hot metal smells." just for variety and voiciness. Ultimately I did find myself slightly underwhelmed by events. But aside from the fact that I think you could have challenged yourself more with the grammar, the SPaG is pretty much dead-on, making this a good read.

    ---


    "Prowl"
    Kebe
    SPaG: 3.5/5
    T/V: 3/5
    Effect: 6/10
    Total: 12.5/20

    Review:
    The opening starts very well, with the "thing" - whatever the thing is - having already happened. The weather is unusually warm, and there is some need to take shelter in the city, so on the strength of those 2 openers, I am intrigued and slightly on-edge.

    I suspect this "freezing air-conditions" should be "freezing air-conditioners", but this - "Their refrigerator had gone out with a ghostlike groan" was great. I can really hear that old fridge dying. Other standout phrases include "with a mocking grace".

    With this: "Buster didn't seem to care, he still wanted to get inside" - mmm, not a huge fan of comma splices. To me they tend to look like errors or, I dunno, just kind of unpolished prose. Same here: "Mary sat like frozen, she wanted to call out for Buster, but her vocal cords didn't obey". Also, when the dog barks and is suddenly silent, I didn't feel fully engaged in that moment. See if you can make the text do the moment justice.

    Not a bad entry, but coupled with a go-to voice and some SPaG blips, not enough "happened" to really deliver, and the main event wasn't quite developed enough for me. But a good read nonetheless, with that very strong start.




    In tabulated form, the leaderboard reads thus:


    SueC -xXx- bdcharles Total
    Slow Burn - Candervalle
    16 16 14 15.3
    Diakaashe - velo
    16 16 15 15.6
    BUTTER: A Fairy Tale - ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    17 15 16 16
    Wild Cries in the Night - Arachne
    16 15 12.5 14.5
    Chest X-ray - epimetheus
    17 14 13 14.6
    Indecision - Megan Pearson
    15 17 16 16
    The Foundling - Periander
    16 19 15 16.6
    Prowl - Kebe
    15 9 12.5 12.16


    So, in first we have - drum roll, please maestro....




    Periander
    with
    The Foundling



    And tied for second place, it is:

    Megan Pearson and ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    with, respectively
    Indecision and BUTTER: A Fairy Tale


    Congratulations Periander - very well done! And well done runners up, and thanks again to all the entrants. Thanks also to my fellow judges and everyone else involved in making this competition happen.

    To February!


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  2. #2
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    Congratulations Periander! Also, thanks to the judges for their time and constructive feedback. I learned a lot and got to read some great stories.

  3. #3
    Congratulations Periander and well done to all the authors this month. Thanks so much to the judges, there was a lot of work to do this time!

    Arachne

  4. #4
    Congratulations Periander! This is your first entry to the LM, yes? Don't forget, next year you qualify to enter the Annual Prize Fiction challenge

    I would also like to thank our judges who make these challenges possible.

    Check out our showcase
    Hidden Content
    Hidden Content






  5. #5
    Congrats Periander
    Hidden Content

    وَنَحْنُ نُحِبُّ الحَيَاةَ إذَا مَا اسْتَطَعْنَا إِلَيْهَا سَبِيلاَ
    "we love life, if it allows us to walk down her road"
    -Mahmoud Darwish (translation Darren White_


  6. #6
    Supervisor velo's Avatar
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    Congrats to the winners!
    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  7. #7
    Supervisor velo's Avatar
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    Also, for the record:

    In my story I used several Crow nation terms, such as Akbaalia and Apsáalooke, using their actual meanings. The non-English dialogue was taken from a 1930's treatise on Crow prayers. The spirits the men transformed into were all taken from Crow mythology.

    However the personal names, the ritual described, and the existence of the Apsáalooke-at'a (I imagined it as an elite warrior caste) were entirely fictionalised.

    I hope at no point, now or ever, my story is seen as being disrespectful to actual Crow or First Nations traditions. I did my best to write with respect and honour the deep traditions of native North American people who have suffered greatly at the hands of western invaders while at the same time writing my own story in my own way as a writer must.
    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  8. #8
    Great work, everyone! I really enjoyed reading each entry...all of you have such wonderful, unique voices. I have so much to learn!

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by velo View Post
    Also, for the record:

    In my story I used several Crow nation terms, such as Akbaalia and Apsáalooke, using their actual meanings. The non-English dialogue was taken from a 1930's treatise on Crow prayers. The spirits the men transformed into were all taken from Crow mythology.

    However the personal names, the ritual described, and the existence of the Apsáalooke-at'a (I imagined it as an elite warrior caste) were entirely fictionalised.

    I hope at no point, now or ever, my story is seen as being disrespectful to actual Crow or First Nations traditions. I did my best to write with respect and honour the deep traditions of native North American people who have suffered greatly at the hands of western invaders while at the same time writing my own story in my own way as a writer must.
    mission accomplished with this reader.
    jussayin'

  10. #10
    I utterly agree. I was curious as to whether Velo had any Native American ancestry. The story felt authentic.

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