Blind Date


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  1. #1

    Blind Date

    He walked into the bar, scanned the room and our eyes met. I wondered if this was David, my blind date. A date arranged by a well-meaning friend who was determined to find me a partner because she had some crazy idea that I was lonely and needed a man.

    I held his gaze for a moment then looked into my glass praying he was not walking in my direction. Jesus, Susan, you must think I’m desperate!

    The first thing I noticed was his tall ,gangly frame and dishevelled appearance, with limbs that jerked with each movement almost if they were controlled by a puppeteer. He had hands the size of dustbin lids and legs so thin they resembled string. His jacket hung from his shoulders being at least two sizes to big. Brown tweed was not his style so the jacket was most definitely borrowed from an equally well-meaning friend who could have least told him to change his ripped, oil stained jeans.

    His hair, the colour of straw, stood to attention as though he’d been plugged into an electric socket. I stifled the urge to giggle and grabbed my glass of wine to use as a prop so I could peer over the top of the glass.

    My goodness, he was definitely heading in my direction and as the image of Worzel Gummage, the famous scarecrow popped into my mind, I choked on some wine.

    Deep set corn-flower blue eyes stared at me from beneath eye-brows that bore a distinct resemblance to bird nests. His hooked nose the beak and another bird nest of a moustache hung over his top lip to reveal a perfect set of rotting teeth. If his hands were like dustbin lids his head reminded me of ET. No, just no. I am going to kill Susan when I find her.

    I sprinted past him, out the door straight into Susan who was talking to the most amazing hunk of a man I’d ever set eyes on.

    ‘Kate, let me introduce you to David.’

    This is a writing exercise I am working on with the focus on too much information.
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  2. #2
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Too much information as in too much description going on? I would say so. As in TMI? I would say not enough - why not show us the jungular heat rising from this shambling lothario's damp areas


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  3. #3
    Ah okay. Thanks BD

    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    why not show us the jungular heat rising from this shambling lothario's damp areas
    Having a bit of a senior moment. What do you mean by jungular heat and damp areas?
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  4. #4
    Jungular' 'damp-' Er, um, uh... Perhaps he owns land in the tropics?

    the physical description was good, I thought maybe strings for legs was a little not 'see-able' ( couldn't quite picture it, though I get his legs are unattractively thin , overly skinny).
    Almost started laughing and then finally ran outta there was a good move- entertaining. It's funny.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by PiP View Post
    He walked into the bar, scanned the room and our eyes met. I wondered if this was David, my blind date. A date arranged by a well-meaning friend who was determined to find me a partner because she had some crazy idea that I was lonely and needed a man.
    Decent intro. I'd trim it just a tad to something like the below:

    He emerged awkwardly, his eyes scanning the crowded bar until our eyes met. I wondered if this was David. A blind date arranged by a well-meaning friend who had some crazy idea that I was lonely.

    ^ My thought process here is rhythm and to lessen the generic feel of 'man walks into room'. This is from her perspective anyway, and she doesn't see him enter the room, only him appear.

    I also cut the 'partner'. I understand this is something people say but it doesn't feel as romantic or seem necessary as it is implied by the context...

    I held his gaze for a moment then looked into my glass praying he was not walking in my direction. Jesus, Susan, you must think Im desperate!
    Like it!

    The first thing I noticed was his tall ,gangly frame and dishevelled appearance, with limbs that jerked with each movement almost if they were controlled by a puppeteer.
    Love the puppeteer image.

    He had hands the size of dustbin lids and legs so thin they resembled string. His jacket hung from his shoulders being at least two sizes to big. Brown tweed was not his style so the jacket was most definitely borrowed from an equally well-meaning friend who could have least told him to change his ripped, oil stained jeans.
    Pretty good. Not in love with the image of legs resembling string. Nothing wrong with it, but I feel like there's way more imaginative, evocative and potentially comedic likenesses for skinny legs. Legs like cocktail sticks? Legs like a baby bird? Legs like a six year old's stickman drawing?

    I like the coupling of the idea of his 'well-meaning friend' with her own mentioned before. Oil stained is a stretch. I tend to think of oil stains as being sort of macho and this guy sounds like plain grubby. Again, nothing wrong, but I think there's more interesting images you could use here - 'his ripped jeans with what looked like marmite stains'.

    His hair, the colour of straw, stood to attention as though hed been plugged into an electric socket. I stifled the urge to giggle and grabbed my glass of wine to use as a prop so I could peer over the top of the glass.

    My goodness, he was definitely heading in my direction and as the image of Worzel Gummage, the famous scarecrow popped into my mind, I choked on some wine.

    Deep set corn-flower blue eyes stared at me from beneath eye-brows that bore a distinct resemblance to bird nests. His hooked nose the beak and another bird nest of a moustache hung over his top lip to reveal a perfect set of rotting teeth. If his hands were like dustbin lids his head reminded me of ET. No, just no. I am going to kill Susan when I find her.

    I sprinted past him, out the door straight into Susan who was talking to the most amazing hunk of a man Id ever set eyes on.

    Kate, let me introduce you to David.

    This is a writing exercise I am working on with the focus on too much information.
    All in all I like the piece. It's short but vivid and brings to life a scene that is kind of old hat in a way that feels new.
    "If you don't like my peaches, don't shake my tree."

  6. #6
    So the consensus is lose the description of string for legs.

    Thanks for the indepth and helpful critique, LS. I really appreciate your time. You make some excellent suggestions. I will rework this over the weekend and post the revision.
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  7. #7
    Maybe, if you tone down the descriptions a little bit and upend it with more emotional description, the readers would like it

  8. #8
    the capture of a moment in time was just a pleasure to read..I got so little info at the beginning that I was saying to myself..is this non fiction...then the inner thoughts took it into comedy but there was a serious pov mixed together.it all worked for me and I could have read on ...
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  9. #9
    Member dither's Avatar
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    Well I liked it, a definite hook for me. I mean, who WOULDN'T want to know what happened next?

    Lol!

    Y'know? It's funny. I've had a yarn, an idea, whatever, of adulterous liaison, humming around in my head all day.
    All because of something that happened this morning.
    Am I REALLY SO desperate?
    Well no, I don't think I am really. It's just that, I have moments. Don't we all? I suppose.
    If i post a comment on a "WIP", LOOK! I'm a reader that's all, and i can only tell how i feel, as a READER, giving/offering feedback. Hoping to learn and grow here. So please, tell me where i'm going wrong.

    Me? I'm just a fly on the wall.

    Look! I'm trying, okay?

    One can but dream, if only i had dared.

    "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong" Mahatma Gandhi.
    Alas, i am weak.

    I must find a way to Eastbourne and i so wish that i could dance.

  10. #10
    This has the basis of a good, definitely worthwhile hook. Also, the ending makes the reader want to read further, to delve into this idea and this tale you are establishing. I do agree that there is a lot of telling, where there could be showing, but this is a really good base and I feel there is a lot that can be added and tweaked to make it shine.

    Keep at it Pip! You've got something quite good!

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