A Moment In Time


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Thread: A Moment In Time

  1. #1

    A Moment In Time

    Apathy is my dark-winged angel.

    It's not like a stone on the chest or back, but a stone within the very person, making every movement so much harder. It is a gravity that brings one low eventually and inevitably, no matter how high one is brought. Eventually, it becomes not only a force of nature...but a law of nature.

    No matter how happy I am, time will rob me of this joy come tomorrow.

    I get up with the sun and I wash. I eat. I clip and cut myself and put on my clothes. I pack my bags. I am rugged for a moment. I see the day as something to get through. See the people from A to B as a stranger would see stragglers in a post-apocalyptic future...with a small, shining light of hope, but general concern. Who are they? And what do they want of me?

    I'm on the bus...

    Then on the train...

    Riding through a gray and raining landscape- the season not so accommodating with its usual fiery autumn leaves, but drab and listless shades of orange and brown matted to the wet earth.

    Another stop on the train. Another flood of people come in. Some pushing and jostling. The smell of wet cottons and the screeching slide of polyesters. The clop clop of high heels. A jostle from my right as a person drops between me and an old lady.

    Blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned her winter-blues toward me. She smiled, and warm, beaming flame broke through. "I'm sorry" she says. For what, I think. You've given me a moment of summer.

    I didn't even realize she had a child- a little blonde girl- until she bumped into my leg. Another bumper, just like her mother. She didn't look like her mother. Her blues were more deep and solid. She looked at me in the way children look at you- simply looking.

    Her mother looked back and forth between us. She turned to me, offering that smile once again. "She likes you."

    And then, completely unexpected, the little girl pipes up "I like you." breaking out into a giggling smile.

    Couldn't tell you how red I was. I'm not sure how sudden the smile broke out of my soul and split my mouth wide. I couldn't say how, in an instant, a warm, brilliant, and fierce flow of heart and almost painful protectiveness swept out of me for the little demon, but it came nonetheless and I could only bob and blunder through it like a keg in the ocean.

    A couple of hours past that moment, heaving crates to and fro along the gray shoreline, I was still smiling. I still felt warm. I'd never meet her again. Why was I so sure I liked her. Maybe that's how children are designed to be.

    It was only past lunch that I realized my dark-angel had disappeared. I only realized it when it came back. Slowly pushing out the warmth. Slowly filling me with the familiar weight...the apathy...the listless desire to slide through another empty day. Like a constrictor it wrapped itself around me once again and squeezed. And I let it. There was a comfort to it. A familiarity. A return to normalcy.

    But for one moment, it jerked. For a moment I remembered that smile again. Those words. That feel. Fierce, intense, immediate, unyielding. It squeezes again- a slow...steady...crushing weight. But I knew it and it knew it... That single moment- that shard in time- would glow like a tiny ember in the hollow depths of my being.

    For a moment, I found something to live for. And I think...I can find it again.
    Last edited by kaminoshiyo; December 22nd, 2018 at 02:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    I'm not one for givin' detailed or in-depth critiques... There are other here that're much better suited to that than I am.

    So all I'll say is that it was an easy read for me, and I liked it.

    It's a good reminder of how valuable the little things can be.

    There's no doubt that some people just won't get it, but to those that do, I know it'll bring a smile to their face.

    Thanks.


    G.D.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  3. #3
    I like this, a lot. The only nit that jumped out at me was this:
    the season not so accommodating with it's fiery autumn
    The apostrophe isn't needed in its, I believe.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #4
    Generally I enjoyed the style and imagery of the piece but I did lose track of the meaning a couple of times. They are trivial comments set against the overall impact though.

    "Blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned her winter-blues toward me." For a moment I thought that this was a reference to her disposition rather than a further qualification of the colour of her eyes. Perhaps "She turned those winter-blues toward me" would have avoided this slight moment of confusion.

    "
    A couple of hours passed that moment..." I didn't understand the syntax here. Should it be "A couple of hours past that moment..."?

    I have myself spent significant periods in my life waiting for such an ember of inspiration to pull me out of apathy and often it does come from somewhere within, a recollection that seems almost insignificant in itself but is a catalyst for something more to occur, truly an ember from which an entire fire can spring if cherished and fed.
    'Sharing an experience creates a reality.' Create a new reality today.
    'There has to be some give and take.' If I can take my time I'm willing to give it.
    'The most difficult criticism that a writer has to comprehend is silence.' So speak up.

  5. #5
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    The apostrophe isn't needed in its, I believe.
    You have no idea how many of those I have to go pick out of my own work.

    I know they don't belong, but thanks to the habit of writing words where they do, they sneak in there anyway.


    G.D.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  6. #6
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JustRob View Post
    "A couple of hours passed that moment..." I didn't understand the syntax here. Should it be "A couple of hours past that moment..."?
    I didn't catch it the first time 'round, but yes, I believe you're correct.



    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; December 21st, 2018 at 07:17 PM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  7. #7
    I took that part to mean that the moment was so profound that it was as if time stood still for a couple of hours. That's the trouble with being a poet, we read a whole book into one phrase.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  8. #8
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    I saw it something like this:

    "Something interesting happened. It was several weeks ago. I don't remember it as well now as I did when only a couple of hours had passed, now that I'm many days past it."

    Maybe this is a better way to show what I'm thinking:

    "A couple of hours past an event, 2 hours will have passed since it occurred."

    Just my .02 worth.

    ( Not trying to be a Grammar-Nazi or beat a dead horse, 'cause if I'm wrong I need to know it. )


    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; December 21st, 2018 at 07:55 PM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  9. #9
    I really enjoyed reading this. As some one who often ponders on the futility of existence, I can relate to the listless apathy that you describe. Your piece flows very well and I love the imagery! I don't know if you have ever watched the TV show True detective. The first season was written by Nic pizzolatto and has a very cynical character named Rustin Cohle. He has an extremely jaded outlook on life and often goes into philosophical monologues about apathy, religion and the raw deal that life is. You might enjoy it if you haven't watched it.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    I like this, a lot. The only nit that jumped out at me was this:


    The apostrophe isn't needed in its, I believe.
    Quote Originally Posted by JustRob View Post
    Generally I enjoyed the style and imagery of the piece but I did lose track of the meaning a couple of times. They are trivial comments set against the overall impact though.

    "Blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned her winter-blues toward me." For a moment I thought that this was a reference to her disposition rather than a further qualification of the colour of her eyes. Perhaps "She turned those winter-blues toward me" would have avoided this slight moment of confusion.

    "
    A couple of hours passed that moment..." I didn't understand the syntax here. Should it be "A couple of hours past that moment..."?

    I have myself spent significant periods in my life waiting for such an ember of inspiration to pull me out of apathy and often it does come from somewhere within, a recollection that seems almost insignificant in itself but is a catalyst for something more to occur, truly an ember from which an entire fire can spring if cherished and fed.
    For some reason it never looks wrong until I post... Is there a medical term for this?

    Thank you both for the read and review. Good reviews are a nice thing to wake up to

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