Being Fearless Has its Price


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  1. #1

    Being Fearless Has its Price

    Being Fearless Has its Price by Bob Brown

    Everybody is afraid of something, some are so unpleasant that they are universal on the list of things to avoid. There are no good thoughts or images associated with the process. There are a few good jokes, all based on how uncomfortable the whole thing is, and I'm pretty sure that it's never on someones bucket list of the stuff to be done.

    The question was easy, "Do you want anesthesia?"

    "I don't want any anesthesia." Clint Eastwood might have used a gruffer voice, but I said it with the conviction that even he would have envied. I decided to make it into an adventure, one more new thing to experience, not something dulled with a drug induced haze.

    In the privacy of the doctor's office there are no medals for bravery, no one to impress. There is an easy way out, no discomfort, no embarrassment, they put you to sleep... You wake up, and it's over. You would also need someone to drive you home, it sounded like a wimps way out to me. Just how bad can a colonoscopy be?

    The fun starts when you get to drink a gallon of stuff to clean you out the night before. This time on the toilet, gives you plenty of time to think about the fun that lies in store for the next day.

    The best way to ever overcome an uncomfortable situation is with humor. I love to make people laugh and smile. The test would be, could I do it without wearing pants, with someone's hand fishing around in my butt with a camera. Challenge accepted. I already knew the joke I would tell Dr. Mazza during the procedure.

    Confidence is a funny thing, I have no idea where it comes from. What makes one man shy the next outgoing? I can only speak for myself. I simply refuse to be intimidated, if I am nervous I just push on. I am more worried about giving in to my fears than I am of the consequences, it may not be the key to a long life but an interesting one.

    ...

    Standing in a hospital gown with my butt hanging out, I climbed on the hospital gurney, this was the start of my adventure. I was greeted by Dr. Mazza in the procedure room, we made small talk. He is about my age and we had a good connection during my first appointment to discuss the colonoscopy and what it entailed.

    He asked today if I minded if the resident performed the task. I was introduced to a woman younger than my daughter in her second year of residency.

    He smiled and said,"I didn't think you would mind, I also have a female nursing student who is going to observe, if you're OK with that?"

    This was turning out to be more of an adventure than I planned on. With a nurse to monitor my vitals, the intern preforming the procedure and the nursing student, I had a captive audience of three young women and one gray haired doctor who seemed to be in a really good mood for 7am.

    They used plenty of lube.

    "So Doc, have you ever heard the one about the two gold miners and the mule? He gave me a puzzled look, the intern stuck the camera in a little further.

    "No."

    I can't tell if the look is from him thinking if he ever heard the joke, or if he was not used to patients in this position telling jokes. Lying on your side in the fetal position with a camera being sneaked up your butt, is not something you experience every day. A nauseated nursing student who looks like she is ready to gag. A nurse hovering over my head, who looks like nothing would shake her, an intern making sure she didn't screw up in front of her boss, while she negotiated the twists and turns of my colon. Not open mike night at the comedy club, but it would do.

    "Way back in the mountains, two brothers who miners are struggling to make it, long hours and not much gold. They have an old mule for hauling, all three of them are overworked. One morning they woke up to find that the mule had gone cross eyed during the night. Unable to walk in a straight line without running into things, the mule is no use to them. With money being tight it was a tough decision, but they decided to get the vet from town to come out and take a look at the mule.

    When the old vet showed up, he took one look at the mule, and told the guys to fetch him a piece of pipe about two feet long. The guys watched as the vet took the pipe and shoved it in the mule's ass. He then took a deep breath and with all his might blew into the pipe and it forced they eyes of the mule to straighten out. The brothers feel a little silly for having to pay for this, but the mule and see again and they can get back to work.

    A couple of weeks go by and one morning they find that the mule's eyes have crossed again. They saw what the vet did and there was no way they were going to pay for something they could do themselves. The older brother told the younger to go get the pipe. With some hesitation he slid the pipe into the mule's ass. He took a deep breath and blew with all his might, HUUUUUPHEW, nothing. Taking a deep breath again and blowing with all his might, HUUUUUUUUPHEWW, nothing. The younger brother figured maybe he could do it and told his brother to let him try.

    He stepped up to the mule and pulled out the pipe, turned it around and stuck the other end in the mule's butt.

    "What the heck are you doing?" Asked the older brother.

    "I'm not putting the same end in my mouth that you just blew in!"

    Dr. Mazza smiled, the nurse laughed, the nursing student looked like she might not gag after all. The intern pushed around another corner on the colon highway.

    When she finally found the last corner and the camera would go no further, it was withdrawn.

    Adventure is the unexpected.

    The intern seemed as thankful that it was over, judging by the audible breath she took, as she pulled out the camera.

    Dr. Mazza not one to let a teaching opportunity slip by, "Let me show you how to get around those corners." to the intern.

    To me, "You don't mind do ya Bob?"

    I got to experience a second colonoscopy that morning along with a running commentary on how to inflate the intestine at just the right time to get that camera around the corners of my colon.

    Yes, there is a price for being fearless, a second colonoscopy for the price of one and a chance to make someone else smile.
    Last edited by Plasticweld; December 11th, 2018 at 08:54 PM.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

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  2. #2
    Ah.. The Silver Stallion.
    Over 50.
    This is funny. It's only going to be really funny to those who've gone through it. And then it's not funny if they found something. Maybe it's still funny, even then.

  3. #3
    Thanks Kevin, I put this joyous occasion off until almost 60. My theory of don't it if fix it isn't broken could only be put off for so long. I think this was the start of that saying, that a picture is worth a 1,000 words, or in my case just a short story.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  4. #4
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Bob, I've heard some versions of that story where the mule blows first.

    ...I'm guessing all involved, most especially that intern, are glad you didn't.




    G.D.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  5. #5
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Y'know, Bob, thinking about this story, and your comments, I had a couple of thoughts that probably only I would come up with:

    1) A picture may be indeed worth a thousand words, however, there are some of them that ya just don't wanna put on your Christmas cards.

    And...

    2) Never get colonoscopy from a doctor that has aspirations to be a slide trombone player.


    ...there's a couple of others concerning being a wise-cracking smart-ass at some of the damnedest times, but I figure that'll do for now.




    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; December 10th, 2018 at 01:43 AM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  6. #6
    Crappy story, with a joke that blows.

    "Now let's all agree, never to be creative again."




  7. #7
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    By the way, Bob, I should probably have said this sooner, however:

    I hope you're doing well, after having somebody root around in your backside for twice as long as they probably should have.



    G.D.

    P.S. I'm wondering if this would make a good sympathy card...
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  8. #8
    Bob, this gave me an unexpected smile while eating my breakfast. You are a great storyteller as the end was completely unexpected. Having had a colonoscopy I certainly would not want to go through it again. It reminds me of the tale of the Non Conformist Sparrow
    Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to the earth and landed in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then, a large cat was walking by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.There are three morals to this story:
    1.EVERYONE WHO SHITS ON YOU IS NOT NECESSARILY YOUR ENEMY.
    2.EVERYONE WHO GETS YOU OUT OF THE SHIT IS NOT NECESSARILY YOUR FRIEND.
    3.AND,IF YOUR’E WARM AND HAPPY IN A PILE OF SHIT, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

    BTW: This line does not need an underscore (in my opinion)
    Adventure is the unexpected.








  9. #9
    Pip thanks for sharing the bit about the bird, so true.

    I wondered about underlining the 'the adventure begins'. I wanted to set it apart from the story, I was not sure how to make a statement as an author in the middle of telling the story. Is it not needed and does it seem out of place? If I were telling the story to a group of people I would add a dramatic pause, and then say, really drag out 'the adventure begins'. really dragging it out. This is one of those times where I would say it one way and maybe have to write it another.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Plasticweld View Post
    I wondered about underlining the 'the adventure begins'. I wanted to set it apart from the story, I was not sure how to make a statement as an author in the middle of telling the story. Is it not needed and does it seem out of place? If I were telling the story to a group of people I would add a dramatic pause, and then say, really drag out 'the adventure begins'. really dragging it out. This is one of those times where I would say it one way and maybe have to write it another.
    Bob, I am a poet so I think we better ping one of experienced prose writers for their advice. I was only giving my POV as a reader. As the sentence stood alone I naturally paused. While the underscore made it seem like a title.







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