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Thread: Being Fearless Has its Price

  1. #11
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PiP View Post
    Bob, I am a poet so I think we better ping one of experienced prose writers for their advice. I was only giving my POV as a reader. As the sentence stood alone I naturally paused. While the underscore made it seem like a title.
    I'm certainly not an experienced writer, but I took the underscored line as a sub-title... The header for the second part of the story; comparable to a chapter title in a longer story.



    G.D.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  2. #12
    That story brought a smile to me. Thanks, Bob. I had a colonoscopy about 7 or 8 years ago because bowel cancer needed to be ruled out. It was, thankfully.
    I was a little chatty under the meds - I think it was a valium injection. The response I got was a curt, "No talking!" Nothing less than I would expect from that bastard. I had serious trust issues because the doctor performing the scope had supervised two of my friends' deaths in the previous few years (both liver issues). I knew enough to realise that he could have done a lot better, and his procrastination prevented one of them being listed for transplant, but ultimately, they probably wouldn't have survived anyway.

    Anyway, this isn't about my story, it's about yours:

    A small amount of proofreading wouldn't go amiss, but it is quite minor. "There" appeared rather a lot early on and it did grate a little. Maybe try writing around it to vary word use? You hit a pet peeve of mine with your use of 'laying' (I think it should be lying). Okay, I've just noticed the "theres" were in the intro rather than the piece itself, but intros are important too as they may determine whether someone continues reading.

    I did enjoy the description of the procedure, with all its yuk stuff made to sound like fun, and the humour shone through even outside the core joke. Thoughts of pit stops and chicanes entered my head when reading about the bends inside you.

    I found it entertaining to read. Thank you.


  3. #13
    This was funny, and you bore that with class

    I was a little disappointed I didn't get to find out what made the mules eyes cross, though.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by kaminoshiyo View Post
    This was funny, and you bore that with class

    I was a little disappointed I didn't get to find out what made the mules eyes cross, though.
    The answer to that is a whole other story and another joke :}
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

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