The ghost in the system

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  1. #1

    The ghost in the system

    I keep having these dreams of ire
    Darkened minds and twisted wire
    Steel machinery bleeding me dry
    Chaining me down when I try to fly

    I walk the streets
    in neon glow
    Seed of distrust starts to grow
    Transistors
    deciding over all
    Into
    the darkness I start to fall

    I'm just a number riding solo in the code
    I'm just a lonely nomad on the road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost in the city of white

    The shining skin the city always wears
    Trying to hide the rust and the tears
    They built their empire's golden throne
    On the backs of our flesh and bone

    And I keep having these dreams inside the static
    Destiny's webs and colours so erratic
    And the machines in vivid chromatic
    And the protector of order, a fanatic

    And I'm just a number that is hidden in the code
    I'm just a dreamer at the crossing of my road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost straying from the light

    Incandescent signs line the way
    Into decadence and decay
    Where I will end up I cannot say
    I only want to see the light of day

    And the people beside me I wish I could trust
    They cannot
    see difference without disgust
    Their minds have been tempered in the fires of hell
    They've sunken the cost in the lies that they sell

    So I'm just a number that is running from the code
    I'm just a circuit splintered from the motherboard
    I'm a ghost of the system, I'm a ghost that is dreaming at night
    Last edited by Solus; December 6th, 2018 at 06:59 PM. Reason: Messed up formatting

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Solus View Post
    I keep having these dreams of ire
    I keep having dreams of ire
    Darkened minds and twisted wire*** Fabulous imagery!!
    Steel machinery bleeding me dry
    Chaining me down when I try to fly

    I walk the streets
    in neon glow
    Seed of distrust starts to grow
    distrust seeds start to grow*** just a different way to express your thoughts [ plus you can cut the word "of"....
    Transistors
    deciding over all*** this line is soooo vague...
    Into
    the darkness I start to fall*** this line is borderline cliché... you have set the bar high in your first stanza...:: "Darkened mines and twisted wire" ... THAT is the standard of uniqueness this poem demands

    I'm just a number riding solo in the code**** SOOOO cool....what an awesome vibe!
    I'm just a lonely nomad on the road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost in the city of white

    The shining skin the city always wears*** cut "always".. it is not needed and it causes a hitch in the flow
    Trying to hide the rust and *the* tears*** cut "the"
    They built their empire's golden throne
    On the backs of our flesh and bone

    And I keep having these dreams inside the static
    Destiny's webs and colours so erratic
    And the machines in vivid chromatic
    And the protector of order, a fanatic

    And I'm just a number that is hidden in the code*** ANOTHER fabulous line!
    I'm just a dreamer at the crossing of my road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost straying from the light

    Incandescent signs line the way
    Into decadence and decay
    Where I will end up I cannot say
    I only want to see the light of day

    And the people beside me I wish I could trust
    They cannot
    see difference without disgust
    Their minds have been tempered in the fires of hell
    They've sunken the cost in the lies that they sell

    So I'm just a number that is running from the code
    I'm just a circuit splintered from the motherboard**** Sublime!
    I'm a ghost of the system, I'm a ghost that is dreaming at night

    Solus, I fell in love with this poem, you set a fabulous dark eerie vibe with some of your wonderful imagery.... check each line and make sure you are using the best word possible to support the cool vibe and mood you have created... anything less... dilutes your unique lines and they will be lost in the word rubble... in a few places your rhyme seemed kinda lazy... [ stanza 7, last 2 lines] ... do NOT fall back on expected or easy rhymes, it will weaken your work... this is such a fabulous poem, I am becoming a fan of your unique voice and awesome skills... thanks for posting ')
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    I keep having these dreams of ire
    Darkened minds and twisted wire
    Steel machinery bleeding me dry
    Chains me down when I try to fly

    Distrusts seeds start to grow
    Seeing through the neon glow
    Transistors
    deciding entire lives
    As the system sharpens its knives

    I'm just a number riding solo in the code
    I'm just a lonely nomad on the road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost in the city of white

    The shining skin the city wears
    Trying to hide the rust and tears
    Bodies of rebels wash ashore
    Are we even human anymore?

    And I keep having these dreams inside the static
    Destiny's webs and colours so erratic
    I think someone once held insidious control
    But they kept digging and fell into the hole

    The mainframe is hewn into us all
    Commands that like wirework sprawl
    They painted masterworks and set them all alight
    The ashes made a future that we cannot rewrite

    And I'm just a number that is hidden in the code
    I'm just a dreamer at the crossing of my road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost straying from the light

    Incandescent signs line the way
    Into decadence and decay
    Graphic cards project our dreams
    A part of all the forgotten schemes

    And the people beside me I wish I could trust
    They
    cannot
    seedifference without disgust
    Their minds have been tempered in the fires of hell
    Sunken the cost in the lies that the frameworks sell

    As I flee I'm struck with dread
    But damn the fear, my past is dead
    If they catch me, so be it
    The emergency exit is lit

    So I'm just a number that is running from the code
    I'm just a circuit splintered from the motherboard
    I'm a ghost of the system, I'm a ghost that is dreaming at night

    First redraft. I think it might help to have two different texts to compare between, though perhaps I'm wrong in that.

    I don't think I can stress enough how much your critiquing helps me though,
    Firemajic
    . Thank you. Sincerely

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life


  4. #4
    hello - I enjoyed reading your poem, with its dark mood and creative rhyme scheme.

    for me, the poem is a bit overlong - until concepts are stretched and repeated or slip into bombast, that lose meaning and direction.

    a self aware cog in the machine? - then research for computer/technical terminology that might lift the poem and underline the message.
    for a lame example- splintered = chipped

    just my thoughts.....................Ned
    find the sublime within the murk
    then throw in a rhyme to make it work

  5. #5
    I quite like the feel of this! It reminds me of Pink Floyd's brick in the wall. Just a few suggestions, feel free to ignore if they don't fit what you wish to do with this poem.



    I keep having these dreams of ire
    Darkened minds and twisted wire
    Steel machinery bleeding me dry
    Chains me down when I try to fly

    Distrusts seeds start to grow
    Seeing through the neon glow
    Transistors
    deciding entire lives
    As the system sharpens its knives

    I'm just a number riding solo in the code
    I'm just a lonely nomad on the road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost in the city of white

    The shining skin the city wears
    Trying to hide the rust and tears
    Bodies of rebels wash ashore
    Are we even human anymore?

    And I keep having these dreams inside the static
    Destiny's webs and colours so erratic
    I think someone once held insidious control
    But they kept digging and fell into the hole

    The mainframe is hewn into us all
    Commands that like wirework sprawl
    They painted masterworks and
    then set them all alight
    The
    ir ashes made a future that we cannot rewrite

    And I'm just a number that is hidden in the code
    I'm just a dreamer at the crossing of my road
    I'm a ghost in the system, I'm a ghost straying from the light

    Incandescent signs line the way
    Into decadence and decay
    Graphic cards project our dreams
    A part of all the forgotten schemes

    And the people beside me I wish I could trust
    They
    cannot
    see difference without disgust
    Their minds have been tempered in the fires of hell
    Sunken the cost in the lies that the frameworks sell
    They've sunken the cost in the lies that they sell. --something like that

    As I flee I'm struck with dread
    But damn the fear, my past is dead
    If they catch me, so be it
    The emergency exit is lit---emergency is clumsy, maybe cut it or replace it.

    So I'm just a number that is running from the code
    I'm just a circuit splintered from the motherboard
    I'm a ghost of the system, I'm a ghost that is dreaming at night
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

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