J.J.'s December PiP Challenge

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Thread: J.J.'s December PiP Challenge

  1. #1

    J.J.'s December PiP Challenge

    Falling.
    Lost and lonely. Flying.
    The safest harbor calls to me.
    A crew of shame and mutiny.
    Anchored in my dying.

    UPDATED VERSION 1.1 BASED ON FEEDBACK

    Falling.
    Lost in lonely darkness.
    A whirling tempest tugs at me.
    A grasping tide of salt and sea.
    The sky devoid and starless.

    Reaching.
    Vessels terrifying.
    The safest harbor calls to me.
    A crew of shame and mutiny.
    Anchored in my dying.



    Last edited by J.J. Maxx; December 10th, 2018 at 10:26 PM.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content Hidden Content

    "He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot." - Douglas Adams


  2. #2
    J.J;
    Based on this poem, I would love to see more of your poems in the poetry threads. This is a somber poem, your wording allowed me to easily imagine myself being the one in flight. I see little if any improvement to be made. Thank you very much for sharing this.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  3. #3
    hello -

    nice imagery here, but some sentiments seem to cut against each other

    lost - but the harbour calls
    lonely - with a crew
    shame - mutiny, surely shameless
    a crew - anchored?

    the metaphor of the crew, might be smoother as some sort of ship....
    find the sublime within the murk
    then throw in a rhyme to make it work

  4. #4
    I love the melancholy vibe, this is fabulous, J.J.... the bad news is... I cant offer any way to improve this, unless... you add a stanza or two...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Pelwrath View Post
    J.J;
    Based on this poem, I would love to see more of your poems in the poetry threads. This is a somber poem, your wording allowed me to easily imagine myself being the one in flight. I see little if any improvement to be made. Thank you very much for sharing this.
    Thank you. I consider myself a fairweather poet, but when the muse arrives, I listen.

    Quote Originally Posted by ned View Post
    hello -

    nice imagery here, but some sentiments seem to cut against each other

    lost - but the harbour calls
    lonely - with a crew
    shame - mutiny, surely shameless
    a crew - anchored?

    the metaphor of the crew, might be smoother as some sort of ship....

    This is good feedback, thank you. The imagery here is relating to depression and suicide and the feeling of being lost and wandering, with only your feelings to keep you company. However, those feelings are not on your side and are always looking to take over your life and all the while the stillness of death calls to you, like a safe haven in a storm. Still, with such a short medium, there are places to tighten up. Thank you again.


    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    I love the melancholy vibe, this is fabulous, J.J.... the bad news is... I cant offer any way to improve this, unless... you add a stanza or two...
    I may be able to tease out an extra stanza or two, but when I linger too long on a single metaphor it starts to sound... I don't know. Forced? Perhaps if I dropped the metaphor in a final stanza, it would work. I will tinker. Thanks.

    ~ J. J.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content Hidden Content

    "He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot." - Douglas Adams


  6. #6
    Updated. Tweaked. Second stanza added.

    ~ J. J.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content Hidden Content

    "He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot." - Douglas Adams


  7. #7
    I am looking forward to reading your POV on all the other entries...all part of participating in the Pip challenge
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    I am looking forward to reading your POV on all the other entries...all part of participating in the Pip challenge

    Ooh, aren't we a cheeky little flame?


    ~ J. J.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content Hidden Content

    "He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot." - Douglas Adams


  9. #9

    ........
    ........

    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #10
    Cheeky? I’ve never thouht of that descriptive for Fire and I’ve thought of a few.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



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