11 AM

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Thread: 11 AM

  1. #1

    11 AM

    .
    I hate being silent
    for a minute

    stretching time
    in the thoughts I hold

    like an old wound
    reminding me

    only when
    the weather turns cold

  2. #2
    for me, willfully dwelling on such sad losses takes an effort...

    but one small effort is the best that I can do to honour those fallen.

  3. #3
    So much of war is pain and waiting. From a reader's standpoint, consider clipping the last line and use your title to its fullest impact, simply 11. The number repeats itself throughout the events of that day, and repetition of numeric patterns is something our brains are designed to do. Yes, you have an end rhyme with L2 and L4, but read your piece aloud, end at L3, and then again at L4...Consider what you hear. As you have included a touch of interenal rhyme, hold old, there is enough subtle structure to support the piece without that last line.

    Petal of a poppy, small, but vivid.

    - D.


  4. #4
    The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Thanks for sharing ned.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  5. #5
    thank you for your feedback.

    yes D, 11AM is specific to when the silence is observed.

    I wrote this in about 3 minutes - so, it is speaking to me after the event, if you know what I mean.
    and I like to think, the poem has a blunt honesty.

    a shortened form might work - but the final line is the payoff, the reality.
    all that death is too distressing to consider all the time, so once a year we remember.

    some old injuries are more painful when the weather turns cold - maybe, coinciding with November.
    and I like that it ends on 'cold'.

    Petal of a poppy - is so poignant, and so you D.

    nuff said...............cheers.................Ned

  6. #6
    The flow of the poem stopped for me at the word like..one can't take it out of context but it struggled in a very solid and direct use of words...
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  7. #7
    how else would you express an analogy?

  8. #8
    Stanza 1,2...deliver the vibe of the title,that instant thought was solid...the next 2 goes into sentiment an the word like just changes my mood instantly in relation to the first stanza...the choice of words work but it's like 2 poems in one..thought/sentiment
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  9. #9
    too bad ESc - but the experience is all done in verse 2 - there's nothing else to say on that.

    two poems? - just different facets of the same idea - but if you don't get it, that's fine.

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