LET'S FIGHT!


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  1. #1
    Member DarkGhost's Avatar
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    LET'S FIGHT!

    Post your fight scenes here! Give friendly critique and advice!
    all action fights are welcome, just no dialogue fights.

    alright peeps! Fight away!

  2. #2
    Mentor Dluuni's Avatar
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    "Hey! Freak!"

    Keith sighed out the breath in his lungs, watching the steam drift up into the air in the cold of the day, and slumped his shoulders. He had been watching these three out of the corner of his eye as he walked across the village. Following him as conspicuously as three people trying to be inconspicuous could possibly be.

    He knew the man in the middle; it was George, who he had met once or twice as a child before being thrown out of his home and landing on the streets of Anchorage, homeless in the cold of winter. The other two, he had never had the misfortune of meeting, but from their clothing, he placed them as airplane crew. Most likely, he would never see them again in this tiny town.

    I was so hoping not to have to worry about stupid fights over territory and pride, he mused in lament. His lips pulled into a slight wince, as he took stock of a handful of aches and pains that never seemed to completely fade.

    Slowly, he chose his words. Softly, very deliberately, hoping against all hope that the gentleness of his language would infect the three with a sudden longing for peace. Sometimes it worked. This time? "Maybe. Are you folks having a good night? It's awfully peaceful out here." He smiled in a welcoming fashion, ignoring the insult.

    George shook his head. "Oh, I know who you are. You're that freak. Old Albert's daughter." He sneered expressing disgust, spitting that last word out like a worm that had found its way into his mouth. "Why, it's our civic duty to beat the shit out of freaks like you."

    All three of them were bigger than Keith was, but on the bright side, it looked as though much of their bulk had come from hamburgers. Keith's bulk - what he had, at least - was from working with weights. Of course, it was hard to tell what surprises they might have through their thick coats, but he suspected they didn't have much.

    Keith stepped slowly along the path, casually pacing, like an actor delivering a line. Thick boot soles crunched against the gravel underfoot. "I don't know that that sounds like a really good idea. Fights don't really turn out the way people like you think they will." He shook his head a bit, in emphasis.

    George narrowed his eyes and glared, clenching his glove into a fist. "I don't know who you think you're trying to fool." He slowly moved forward, following Keith, and the two toughs moved with him. "Seriously! Everyone knows you're just some chick who teaches Kerotty to little kids. Trying to act tough. God! Old Albert would flip his shit if he knew Shelly-girl was running his karate school." He shook his head, disappointedly.

    An icicle of cold anger, rejection, and frustration shot through Keith's spine, only to be soothed by confidence and urgency. He had already experienced what it was like to fight out of anger. He regretted it to this very day. "Oh, I agree." He spread his arms in a shrug, and a smile that he didn't really feel. In truth, at a certain level the thought of disgusting his father brought him glee. A couple more steps. Now, his shadow trailed in front of him.
    George shook his head. "You're going down." He raised his hands to signal to his companions.

    Keith took another deep breath then let it out. He shrugged his shoulders deliberately, releasing all the extra tension that had built in them from adrenaline, and released it through his fingers in a wave of practiced relaxation. Tension is doom in a fight, he knew. All of the most experienced fighters he had dealt with knew to stand down when they saw him releasing his tension like that. After all, they themselves had taught him to. The real scrappers he had had the misfortune of meeting had no desire to pick a fight with a real challenge. Real fights meant damage, pain, time lost forever without point. In the wild, it is the predators who are the most peaceful. If a wolf is injured, the wolf may starve, unable to hunt. But, if a herd animal is injured in a fight, it can simply nurse its wounds, battling nothing more than grass, protected to fight pointlessly another day.
    These attackers didn't pay attention to the shrug, not that he had expected them to. He would just have to resign himself to another sliver of trauma in his nightmares, another irrational thing to bring him pointless dread in moments of safety and haunt him for the rest of his days like all the others. "What are you going to do?" He looked across the three, watching where their eyes focused. "Bust me in the nose?" He flipped his hand lazily toward his face, pointing one finger toward his face, tilting his chin out slightly, an ever so subtle taunt. His eyes tracked the one on the left as that one narrowed his eyes at Keith's fingertip, one fist clenched. To an experienced fighter, he may as well have been a large print children's book, an easy and predictable read.

    In an instant, things started to move quickly, too quickly for the mind to track. A real fight, Keith knew, happened too fast for the conscious mind to follow. The mind would wander, dreamlike, strange. He trusted his body, and let it happen.

    He saw all of the attackers squinting, eyes into the sun, as they moved forward. The one on the left, as expected, raised his hand to punch at his face. Keith's head had already moved, tilting to the side, as his forearm brushed against the inside of the tough's wrist, pushing the punch lightly off course before sliding his hand along the tough's arm to slam the heel of his palm into his target's nose. He was sure the tough woud recoil, jerking back from his new injury, but he didn't have time to sit and watch.

    He thought back on where he had seen George before. What is it with Lynn? Maybe. The thought brought her face into focus in his mind; he contemplated the curves of her jaw, and the smell that he remembered on her coat when he had put it over her shoulders. Vaguely, he was surprised he even smelled anything then. It must have been memorable.

    His eyes didn't focus on any of the people around him, staying unfocused, outside their silhouettes, relying on peripheral vision. A flash of movement, as he had predicted, alerted him to an attack on his right. His booted foot landed behind the ankle of the attacker he had just struck as he twisted, kicking his foot forward to take a step. Vaguely, he was aware of the ankle breaking loose from the ground in a scrape of dislodged gravel, no longer holding the tough's weight.

    Was it a fruit smell? Or maybe a bit more of a musk? He tried to place where he had smelled it before. Definitely a bit more of a fruit smell, he mused. His feet flew back, and he dropped his weight onto the back of the second tough, who was trying to tackle him. Something about the balance he felt through his arms prompted him to twist to the side, plunging one finger into the warm wetness of the tough's mouth as he drove his weight down against his head, ripping and twisting in a movement he certainly wouldn't teach any athletes. He presumed that this would cause a scream of pain, but in the moment? Irrelevant. Survival first. Sound effects later. As he stepped away to face George, his boot crushed down on the side of the second tough's ankle, twisting and wrenching their leg to results he was sure he would learn about eventually.

    Was it a strawberry scent? Cherry? No, it was too light and sharp to be cherry. Was there a note of evergreen in it, maybe? He knew he had smelled it before, maybe even from his own collection long before, when he was still trying to convince people of his femininity. In any case, he knew in that moment that he needed to smell it again. His hand reached up to grab at George's head, but came up empty. George was still standing back, with a shocked look on his face, still processing, not attacking. Keith's knee, already cocked for a knee strike, instead lowered as he placed his foot down softly on the ground.

    "You can run along now," Keith offered, face relaxed in a threatening smile.

    George stared in shock, then twisted into an angry and petulant face of rage. "You just attacked two innocent people! You're going to pay for that!"

    Keith inclined his head to the side, toward a teenager he had seen from the corner of his eye, face hidden behind his phone. "Um. No. This looks like self-defense to me. Three against one? Seriously? It's a good thing for you that that there's no police officer here for another week." He gestured off to the side. "I know you're only here for a few more hours before you have to clock in." Keith tilted his head again gesturing lately at toward the airport with a finger. "I suggest you pack a suitcase, and never come back."

    (Took two hours, mostly outlining and one editing pass. Ugh! I'm still working the kinks out of my methods. I already see I need another edit. Written in Google Docs using default Google voice recognition on a phone from an outline, then edited with keyboard on PC. Character description left out accidentally because I described Keith in another document in the file, whoops. Nothing to be done for it now! He was supposed to rub his beard at some point. I treated this as a timed exercise, so I can't slip it in now.)
    Last edited by Dluuni; October 31st, 2018 at 09:00 AM.

  3. #3
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    This was never intended to be part of a challenge, therefore I've removed it.


    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; February 16th, 2019 at 05:40 AM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  4. #4
    Mentor Dluuni's Avatar
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    Cool, fun stuff. Now for the observations that I see...
    One, this looks like a segment of another work; the setting wasn't clear to me from this section.
    Two, the attack didn't look foreshadowed enough for my taste; J.D. just sort of 'knew' that things would get bad, and it sort of surprised me.
    Three, ditto the armor; usually "armor" is an obtrusive piece of widget, and with obtrusiveness comes some awareness of potential capabilities in the eyes of others in the setting.
    Four, maybe more blocking in the actual combat might be good on a second pass. I'm suspecting that death would be a bit more dramatic than that, too. More like heart failure, which might be researchable, or at least inferable.

    Is there anything in particular you want to communicate about the character, or the scene, or anything else with how the movements are done? That affects how to frame things, and I think I might be missing some of it from the way it feels like an excerpt from a larger work that isn't self-contained.
    I'm liking how this flows, though. I get some sense of characterization out of the dialogue.

  5. #5
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Cool, fun stuff. Now for the observations that I see...
    One, this looks like a segment of another work; the setting wasn't clear to me from this section.
    It's part of what I'm currently working on. It's a segment out of chapter 15.

    And the setting would be quite clear if you'd read the whole thing to this point. Sorry.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Two, the attack didn't look foreshadowed enough for my taste; J.D. just sort of 'knew' that things would get bad, and it sort of surprised me.
    It was a surprise to J.D. as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Three, ditto the armor; usually "armor" is an obtrusive piece of widget, and with obtrusiveness comes some awareness of potential capabilities in the eyes of others in the setting.
    It's hi-tech powered armor that can take on the appearance of clothing. You "meet" that a few chapters back as well.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Four, maybe more blocking in the actual combat might be good on a second pass. I'm suspecting that death would be a bit more dramatic than that, too. More like heart failure, which might be researchable, or at least inferable.
    The main point of this scene was to meet the blonde woman... and to also show what J.D.'s inclinations are when it comes to either himself, or someone he feels responsible for, being threatened.

    The reader should be quite aware of the fact J.D. was never in any danger; Richard would have been better off getting into a boxing match with Superman.

    It would also be understood, given information gained earlier in the story, that J.D. was giving the guy a chance to come to his senses. After all, he could have just stuck his hand into Richard's chest, ripped out his heart, and handed it to him.

    ...but then he'd really have some explaining to do to both the police and the new girl, wouldn't he?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Is there anything in particular you want to communicate about the character, or the scene, or anything else with how the movements are done? That affects how to frame things, and I think I might be missing some of it from the way it feels like an excerpt from a larger work that isn't self-contained.
    I'm liking how this flows, though. I get some sense of characterization out of the dialogue.

    Yes, it's just a character introduction. You meet Megan ( The tall blonde ) for the first time, and learn a bit about her, and a bit more about J.D.; namely that given sufficient cause, he will kill a person, then go eat a meal without thinking anything of it.

    ...and that Megan is of a similar mind.

    Sorry, but I don't have any self-contained fights written up, although there are bits and pieces of this story scattered around the forum.



    G.D.

    P.S. If Ralph Rotten liked it, then I know I'm making at least some slight steps in the right direction.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; November 4th, 2018 at 06:03 PM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  6. #6
    Mentor Dluuni's Avatar
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    Okay, that makes more sense then.
    Still, I would put evidence in so it is a little more clear what made J. D. suddenly realize that the guy was about to be violent. Or define his reaction differently however is appropriate, but either way, just "knowing" there doesn't seem like it sells it enough. Might put a bit of description of the perception of the interface with the controls on the suit in in place of the dry 'I had the suit do X'. You can use the opportunity to point out that he is making a force level decision there too, so the readers will see that change. It might be too subtle otherwise. Pretty easy fixes, really.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dluuni View Post
    Okay, that makes more sense then.
    Still, I would put evidence in so it is a little more clear what made J. D. suddenly realize that the guy was about to be violent. Or define his reaction differently however is appropriate, but either way, just "knowing" there doesn't seem like it sells it enough. Might put a bit of description of the perception of the interface with the controls on the suit in in place of the dry 'I had the suit do X'. You can use the opportunity to point out that he is making a force level decision there too, so the readers will see that change. It might be too subtle otherwise. Pretty easy fixes, really.
    Richard just got caught stealing... or attempting to. With two witnesses. Common sense dictates that if he doesn't just try to shrug it off and go back to work, SOMETHING is about to happen.

    J.D. didn't know the fellow had a gun, but given him yelling at Megan, it was no surprise he didn't just let it go and ended up reacting violently.

    By the way, I'm writing from the perspective of someone who has been a cop... and have been in similar situations with people who were caught "red handed". What I wrote there is typical of their behavior if they don't try to "explain it away".

    Also, there has been a rash of odd and violent behavior from people on J.D.'s property lately... a phenomena that hasn't been gotten to the bottom of yet. This is just one more such incident.

    And yes, it's supposed to be a mystery at this point.

    As for the armor, it's well-covered earlier on, and I don't want to make the mistakes of the old Pulp Fiction books I read as a kid, where the author has 3 or 4 descriptions for people and things that he/she trots out every other chapter. The nature and ability of that armor should be well-understood at this point. Using it is natural and second nature to the wearers. ( It's also a pretty minor item, in the grand scheme of things. )

    I'm also well aware that sections like this don't stand up very well on their own... and it's one of the reasons I don't really care to post them.

    Still, it does provide evidence that I AM writing something at least.

    Anyway, thanks for the critique. Maybe one of these days you'll get the chance to read the whole thing.




    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; November 5th, 2018 at 03:33 AM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  8. #8
    Mentor Dluuni's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guard Dog View Post
    Richard just got caught stealing... or attempting to. With two witnesses. Common sense dictates that if he doesn't just try to shrug it off and go back to work, SOMETHING is about to happen.
    Well sure. And you don't have to really go into a lot of detail there. I just had a moment of looking back asking if I had accidentally skipped a paragraph somewhere. I can only interrogate the text itself, I don't have access to you as the author's notes. Even knowing all that, I looked back at the scene and still feel like there was a gap there. I expected a moment of rising tension, and then a piece of cold combat blocking materializes out of the mists instead, if that makes sense. It's not a huge and climactic thing, but that lack of lead made it read to me more like a murder than defense.
    Quote Originally Posted by Guard Dog View Post
    By the way, I'm writing from the perspective of someone who has been a cop... and have been in similar situations with people who were caught "red handed". What I wrote there is typical of their behavior if they don't try to "explain it away".
    Sure, but you have to justify why you took the actions you did when you are recording the situation back at the station, you can't just go "I just knew, so I drew and fired" without elaboration. In the text, you have to put enough in to indicate what's going on before he acts, unless the point is that he acts on reflex in which case it's probably more of a "My hand came up pulling the trigger without thought, his hand was pulling a knife out of his jacket" thing. Don't need to dwell on it, just put enough to not have ghost actions.
    Quote Originally Posted by Guard Dog View Post
    As for the armor, it's well-covered earlier on, and I don't want to make the mistakes of the old Pulp Fiction books I read as a kid, where the author has 3 or 4 descriptions for people and things that he/she trots out every other chapter. The nature and ability of that armor should be well-understood at this point. Using it is natural and second nature to the wearers.
    I think I was missing an opportunity to replace dry matter of fact statement with at least something on par with grabbing a mouse, highlighting something, and clicking the button - which is more rich and not so much monotone "Then this happens".

  9. #9
    Member Guard Dog's Avatar
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    Dluuni, you ever see the movie "Tombstone"?

    Doc Holiday winks at one of the bad guys, the bad guy reacts to the wink, Wyatt Earp sees the expression change on the guy's face, and knows the shit is about to hit the fan.

    It's the same thing here. The fellow looking back and forth at Megan and J.D. was all the clue needed for J.D. to figure out he wasn't gonna just go back to work. And pulling the gun was sufficient justification to kill him on the spot, if J.D. had been inclined.

    As it turns out, that's exactly what he should have done, but he wanted to give the guy a chance.

    By the way "The subject reacted violently when questioned, pulling a gun from underneath his apron" would be enough explanation for the action J.D. took initially. Especially since J.D. was also carrying a gun at the time, and didn't shoot him. ( But you didn't know that from what I posted. It's that "prior knowledge" thing again. )

    Again, this is why I don't like posting segments or excerpts.

    And no, I don't usually write a piece specifically for a thread like this. Certainly not with over 110,000 words of this story to draw from, at the moment.

    Edit: Thought I'd address this one: "... lack of lead made it read to me more like a murder than defense."

    Not a murder or defense. An execution. ( Murder is an unjustified homicide, btw. )
    J.D. knew that Richard was right, and that he wouldn't stay in jail long. And although he was no real threat to J.D. or anyone in his house, he had no way of knowing what the situation was or would be with Megan.

    So what would you have done, in that situation? Let him go and tell Megan "Sorry toots, you're on your own. Maybe he won't come back and rape you half to death, and leave you crippled and disfigured"?

    J.D. made a decision based on the fact that he has been given the authority to decide who lives and who dies by the creators of his reality. They've put him between everybody, themselves included, and the folks who are actually further up the food chain than they are. And by that fact alone, it can't be murder.

    Does knowing that change your mind any?
    ( You seem to like psychological exploration, so I figured I'd give you this one to chew on. )


    G.D.
    Last edited by Guard Dog; November 5th, 2018 at 05:22 AM.
    Leave it be and it won't bother you.
    Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

    Soon enough, nations will play second fiddle to corporations.

    "The world is not what we wish it to be; it is what it is."
    "Freedom is the value, not protection."

  10. #10
    Mentor Dluuni's Avatar
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    Just saying, I didn't see the Tombstone style "expression change" in the text on the page, and it changes the way the characters come off. Do you always argue with people trying to offer help? Because I am not arguing with you about your characters. I am offering a comment on how the wording of the text portrays them that doesn't seem to communicate your vision. Change it, don't change it, I care not, it is your writing.

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