Bleak and Bliss

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Thread: Bleak and Bliss

  1. #1

    Bleak and Bliss

    Bleak and Bliss

    On the slope of a hilltop, a steep mountain did drop
    down to the rapids of a river named Syn.
    Panic in the rain’s roar plunged on its slanted floor.
    Bleak, on a horse of bones, galloped down the wind.


    Behind, Greed and Envy rode their palomino steeds
    with Wrath next to Lust and Chaos in the night.
    To a town called Choice raced Bleak and his marauders
    ‘cross a moon where horses shine skinless in the light.

    Daylight would be coming soon, sizzling hot the sand dunes.
    Faith, Hope and Charity waited dawn’s light to kiss.
    Their horses neighed a cry! Love and Justice looked to sky.
    Through the rays of the Sun like a fist galloped Bliss.


    On streaks of sultry sizzling sand, his horse Sunlight burned red.
    Bliss waved a hand and beckoned with a blast of booming voice.
    Off the sand dune they did heed, self-propelled by hooves of speed
    to catch Sunlight’s blistered blaze now inbound and aimed for Choice.

    And flickering ‘cross horizon stars
    betwixt the moonlight’s beams and bars,
    Bleak and Bliss rode prairies ‘til they reached a half-mile gap.
    Seeing Choice ahead, they tightened reins
    to jump that impasse half-mile gain,
    and fearless leaped the chasm, hooves in air landing pat.


    Our human halves of Bleak and Bliss
    are flaws and strengths we would commit
    to reach a Choice that we need make

    requires always…..some Leap of Faith.


    Namyh
    Last edited by Namyh; October 13th, 2018 at 12:51 AM.

  2. #2
    Clever poem, Namyh! I always enjoy the way you couch deep lessons of life in beautiful poetic imagery.

    'Horses shine skinless in the light' is a wonderful phrase!

    There are a couple of places where the language could be smoothed out a little. For example 'a steep mountain did drop' could be changed to something like, 'above a steep mountain drop' which sounds more natural.

    Good poem though, as I've come to expect from you.

    Just starting out on the adventure of poetry? Why not join us on
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  3. #3
    hello - really liked the drama here - that kept me engaged.

    enjoyed.................Ned

  4. #4
    This poem shows some refreshing poetic skill. It is rich in concrete imagery and I very much like how abstract concepts are made concrete. I caution the poet to watch out for excessive articles (the) and prepositions (of) that detract from the poem's flow. So they should be used judiciously with conscious intent. Watch out for slipping into the passive voice ("would be coming soon"). Stick with active voice for immediacy.

    Lastly, the conclusion explains the poet's interpretation of the moral of the poem which robs the reader of experiencing their own interpretation. Any poem that needs to be explained in the end of the poem is lacking in substance.

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