The Deathguard

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Thread: The Deathguard

  1. #1

    The Deathguard

    And from the mist, the soldiers descended
    With cries of battle, the lives they ended
    The lives of those who were our foes
    Now nothing but waste, scattered for the crows

    Up in the skies, the moonlight towers
    Down here, the weakling cowers
    Faced with the sword on a starless night
    No hope is left, they're stricken by fright!

    On that day, their blades they swept like an autumn gale
    Down by the river, where no one would hear them wail
    Ferried off by the captain of death
    When life is gone, now from their breath

    The enemies lay dying in the sand
    Now their blood waters the land
    And forged in the flames of war
    Something never seen before
    The iron will that would never fall
    The reason we remember them all

    Five hundred immortal men
    Their kind never seen again
    Rose in our time of need
    Formed their unholy creed
    Clad in steel so hard
    Remember them, the Deathguard!

    My first ever poem, you'll have to pardon me if it's really bad. Just wanted to try my hand at something different

    All thought's and suggestions are appreciated

  2. #2
    For a "first ever" poem this is pretty damn good! I favor these two lines.

    The enemies lay dying in the sand
    Now their blood waters the land
    A striking visual. Good going.
    "I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling."
    - Frida Kahlo

  3. #3
    Thanks a lot, SilverMoon. I've been writing stories for a little while now, and as I've been inspired by Tolkien (who hasn't been?), I wanted to try writing a poem for one of them.
    In truth, I have no idea of the do's and don't's (is it dont's or don't's or don'ts ) in poetry.
    Personally, I just use my trusty rule of thumb (that I invented right now): As long as it sounds good, has good descriptions, and rhymes, its good

  4. #4
    hello - this is good stuff for a first attempt.

    I like the medieval war theme, and the tight rhyme scheme (ta da!)

    some of the rhyming came across as forced, and needs to sound more natural.

    for instance - Clad in steel so hard - why is the steel hard? because it was tempered....
    clad in steel tempered hard - not great, but more natural maybe -

    could have done with some bloody battle action - rather than further eulogies
    so the reader can respect the Deathguard by their actions.


  5. #5
    "Legion of the night, army of the dead
    Bloodlust calls, revel in red
    Raise your fists and raise your swords
    Stand steadfast against the hordes"

    Something like this maybe? I have a hard time incorporating action into poems, I must say.

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life

  6. #6
    The pace felt slightly off here and there, and some words don't quite seem to rhyme, such as war-before. Other than that, however, I like your poem much, especially the epic war-themed setting and the figures of expression that you use. Overall, I'd give it a 7/10.

    Keep up the good work!

  7. #7
    My question is: is this poem inspired by what's happening politically in the real world, or is it total fantasy? Because if it's total fantasy you might think about the message here and where it's coming from and how that might further influence the context of the poem. A good novel, a good short story and a good poem all have one thing in common and that is the fundamental structure of "story". Not that a poem is a story or even should be, but the progressive structure still holds. Namely: beginning (opening), conflict (turn), conclusion (resolution). In a sonnet, these three elements are built into the physical structure of the poem, the first 8 lines are the opening, then there is a stanza break and the first line after the break is the turn, called the "volta" in a sonnet. The last 6 lines form the conclusion. This structure holds for any poem but is not necessarily reflected in the visual structure. In haiku the three elements occur in three lines, the first line is the opening, the second line is the turn and the last line is the conclusion. The turn is where the paradox happens and it is the crux of the poem. The conclusion, or resolution, is where opening and paradox resolve. The resolve, or resolution, does not have to be a sweet ending or even a tight package, it can be left open ended but it is still a coming together of the first two elements of the structure. Think about that structure and how this metaphor relates to current world events and how that might be illuminated in the poem without actually giving the metaphor away.

  8. #8
    This has no link to reality, no. Sometimes I wish I could deliver some striking critique of the world in a few sentences but in the end, I always find my mind drifting to more fantastical themes. And if I'm not captivated by my work, why would anybody else be?

    Thanks for the critique Murphy, I'll try to think about it. Although I must admit, I've heard of this a lot in school, but I've yet to truly understand it, somehow.

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life


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