Jump


Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Jump

  1. #1

    Jump

    So I was sitting on my couch after work tonight, I don't know why but the concept for this song hit me out of nowhere. It's more of my usual desperately sad stuff about looking over the edge of a cliff at my favorite go-to spot where I like to go when I'm sad or lonely. I have a tune in my head but I haven't even begun to try to pick out an instrumental for it. Hopefully soon, though! I may even add another four lines or merely replace four of the existing lines. In deciphering the lyrics, you'll see in the chorus the word "jump" is repeated in parenthesis; this represents the word "Jump" being said once and then repeated in a fading-echo fashion through a delay filter. The word "spirit'ial" represents the word "spiritual" being abbreviated/slurred to three syllables instead of four. I only spent about two hours on this, so I'm sure it could use some polishing up.

    As always - be honest, be brutal, any little nit-picky thing let me know about it!

    “Jump”
    Approx 63BPM

    [Verse 1]
    It’s a long, long way, to the end of the trail
    He’s done it all before, he’ll know when he is there
    A maple covered mountain top, a view that goes for miles
    Is where he’ll go when he needs to know if he can even smile
    Anymore

    And there’s a million leaves on a thousand trees
    He takes in every one, the changing red and green
    And far below a river flows, his fav’rite place to be
    It’s where he’ll go when he needs to know if he can even smile
    Anymore

    [Pre-Chorus 1]
    He stops and bows his head to think
    It’s been another year
    The wind is warm and welcoming
    It whispers in his ear

    [Chorus]
    Jump (jump…jump…)
    It’s the calling of the void
    Jump (jump…jump…)
    What he came here to avoid
    He could take a step; he could almost fly
    He could walk away; and refuse to die
    or Jump (jump…jump…)
    Jump (jump…jump…)

    [Verse 2]
    It’s a long life span, to become a frail old man
    Far too long to make it, when no one holds your hand
    A melancholy permanence, a mournful many years
    Is what he owns, why he never knows, if he can ever smile
    Anymore

    [Pre-Chorus 2]
    The echo of his cries return
    from out across the way
    To let go of his painful yearn
    And spirit’ial decay

    [CHORUS]
    Jump (jump…jump…)
    It’s the calling of the void
    Jump (jump…jump…)
    What he came here to avoid
    He could take a step; he could almost fly
    He could walk away; and refuse to die
    or Jump (jump…jump…)
    Jump (jump…jump…)

    [Bridge]
    And isn’t it ironic, he came here all this way
    To fix his biggest failure, but chose to walk away

    [Verse 3]
    And it’s a long, long way, from the edge of the world
    To a cold and empty dwelling, for a sadness so unfurled
    Uncertainty possesses him, why didn’t he atone
    His curs-ed bones car-ry him home, but he’ll prob’ly never smile
    Anymore

    [Generic Instrumental bit for 45 seconds or so]


    [*song volume fading out*]

    Jump…(jump…jump...)
    Jump…(jump…jump...)
    Jump…(jump…jump...)
    Jump…(jump…jump...)

  2. #2
    I like the words. Without hearing what you are hearing, it's hard to imagine the direction of the melody. There are couple spots that will "clean up" once you sing it I am sure.

    Nicely done. A bit dark but I like it.

  3. #3
    I'm rarely a lyricist, so take this lightly, but I think "a view goes on for miles" might sound cleaner than "a view that goes for miles". Same with "the changing red and green" vs just "changing red and green".

    I really like this, "to fix his biggest failure, but chose to walk away" is harsh, but very true to how a lot of people feel. My favorite though was, "a melancholy permanence, a mournful many years". That's a beautiful image.

  4. #4
    I stumbled on your song and didn't think I would like it. But that is just as stupid as a child who says "I don't like Bami Goreng", simply because he never ate it before.

    So I read and... loved it. It sounds musical, it has an interesting -although a bit gloomy- text, and I can imagine many people listening as fascinated to this as I am.

    Just a few small suggestions: In Verse 2: I think it sounds better when you say: It's a life-long span, in stead of It's a long life span.
    Pre-chorus 2: Skip "to". "Let go of this painful yearn"

    I agree with other changes suggested.

    You have a good thing going here, RobbieO

  5. #5
    Beta Reader Princesisto's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    Bangladesh for now.
    Posts
    152
    Blog Entries
    9
    I imagine it as a kind of country song, bluegrass, full of guitars with a fiddle, drums and bass. I don't know if that is what you were thinking.

    But the rhyme scheme is really weird. Most popular songs are a,b,a,b like:

    Old Town Road

    Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road (a)
    Gonna ride 'til I can't no more (b)
    (Repeat these two lines) (a)
    (b)

    But Jump is like a,b,c,d,d,c,e

    It's a long, long way to the end of the trail (a)
    He's done it before, he'll know when he is there (b)
    A maple-covered mountaintop, a view that goes for miles (c)
    Is where he'll go (d)
    When he needs to know (d)
    If he can even smile (c)
    Anymore (e)

    Then it is not consistent. For example, the second verse is a,a,b,a,c,c,a,c,c,d,e, going by ending sounds, not exactly in the line pattern you wrote.

    It's going to sound jarring, like the kind of thing Billie Eilish would do: did you want to be that avant-garde?

    Country audiences definitely prefer traditional rhyme schemes: they would stop listening early on.

    You've got to think about your audience and what they will like.

  6. #6
    This was pretty darn good! I especially liked this part:

    "The echo of his cries return
    from out across the way
    To let go of his painful yearn
    And spirit’ial decay"

    Thanks for sharing!

  7. #7
    I love my chocolate like I love my lyrics: DARK
    Her: (trying to be profound) If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
    Me: (Hungover and really not in the mood) The only tool I have is a screwdriver, so every problem looks like I can solve it by screwing.
    Her: ....

  8. #8
    I like the versus especially the first verse but I agree I don't know the genre well enough to comment about the hook and how it would sound of a accompany with musical instruments

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.