Ajun and Merri, Lycans and Vampires

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  1. #1

    Ajun and Merri, Lycans and Vampires

    Ajun and Merri

    Merri Gyasi was a successful music composer who was born and raised in the town of Serlacca, Asmor. His mother was believed to be a water nymph by the name of Eralato, who had a brief relationship with a parohuman, Sesupti Gyasi. Sadly for Merri, he resided in a country governed by the Delves. Formerly regular elves, with tall slender bodies and pointed ears, the Delves had become corrupted through their own pride, their righteousness, a thirst for power and control, but above all, their constant flouting of the universal laws of liberty and equality. The precise cause of their corruption was unknown. However, Thomasina Kirk the former president of Aiwren believed that combining personal convictions with political decisions and forming groups which were overly rigid in their customs generally led to division, conflict, and all manner of other problems.

    The Gods had cursed any being who disrespected the rights and choices of others to become deformed in mind and body. However, these delusional Delves failed to see that their own behaviour was the cause of their transformation, instead projecting their own desires onto the Gods. The Delves almost revelled in their own corruption, imposing harsh restrictive rules and claiming that such rules were the will of the Gods. Naturally countries governed by the Delves and other such beings were the most subject to the wrath of the Gods in the form of earthquakes, floods, storms and even wars, yet these beings were blind to this very truth.

    It was well known both among Gods and mortals that Ajun, God of Life, Healing and Medicine fell in love with both men and women. According to legend, his most famous love affair was with the music composer Merri. Ajun descended to Utania, taking the form of a Pionus parohuman; bronze skinned with long, straight, blue and white hair, and brilliant blue eyes. Upon encountering Ajun, Merri was immediately struck by his outward appearance, later describing him in a letter to his brother as “a youth of stunning beauty”. Although there had been no time for conversation at this point, Merri later learned that the man in whom he had a romantic interest was a servant by the name of Pushkin Kaphiri.

    Ajun by the name of Pushkin frequented the places where Merri was, eventually entering into a romantic relationship with the composer. As a God he was unable to offer marriage as marriage between Gods and mortals was against the rules, not to mention that the Delves prohibited same sex marriages in countries which they governed anyway. However, while the Delves prohibited same sex relationships out of pure prejudice, the Gods only disallowed long term relationships with mortals on the grounds that no mortal and God could meet on terms of equality due to the higher status and supernatural powers of the Gods and their position of authority in the world.

    The Gods were aware of the relationship between Ajun and Merri but love affairs between Gods and mortals were so commonplace that they naturally turned a blind eye to them. Besides any discomfort over a God becoming seriously involved with a mortal was generally overlooked as the Gods valued the happiness of one of their own over social conventions. Ajun concealed his divine identity from the beings, as well as taking care to conceal his relationship with Merri from the Delves to ensure the safety of his lover. However, he did disclose his true identity to Merri, who kept it a secret. Merri later described Ajun as an “angelic creature, with whom (he) was more in love than ever”.

    Although Merri never revealed his lovers’ divine identity, neither he nor Ajun were completely successful in concealing their relationship from the Delves indefinitely. Rumours also spread through Serlacca that the famous composer was romantically involved with a God. Ajun was powerless to combat the homophobia that was prevalent in Serlacca, nor could he or any other God change anything that was fated. However, determined to rescue his lover from imprisonment, torture and discrimination, Ajun transformed him into a beautiful black swan, before returning to the skies of Utania.

    Werewolves and Lycans

    Lupians were humanoids who possessed the traits of wolves, which included; enhanced physical strength, speed, reflexes, endurance and agility. Enhanced vision and hearing were also among their abilities. Following many centuries of evolution, the descendants of the Lupians segregated into two different groups; the werewolves and the lycans. Although both groups possessed the traits of their ancestors as well as regenerative and tracking abilities, the werewolves developed a sensitivity to the moonlight, causing them to involuntarily switch from their human form to their wolf form when standing in the moonlight. The lycans however were able to switch from human to wolf and vice versa at will.

    While the werewolves were for the most part humanoids who suffered from an unwanted and incurable affliction as the result of their genetic make-up, and possessed the wisdom and benevolence of their Lupian ancestors, the lycans were much smarter and possessed undesirable personality traits such as deceitfulness and manipulation. Many lycans were Machiavellian, narcissistic, megalomaniacal, psychopathic or sociopathic. Several were charming, charismatic and intelligent yet also ruthless and bigoted. While the werewolves attempted to manage their condition by avoiding moon rays and taking medication to ensure that in the event of becoming wolves, they kept their sanity, the lycans revelled in their ability to transform, using their powers to claim ownership of other beings and assert their own superiority over all beings.

    Werewolves were susceptible to silver and vulnerable to death if any silver object were to pierce them in the head or heart regardless of whether they were in human or wolf form. Lycans however needed have their spines severed from their bodies in order to die but since most beings and even the Gods were averse to needless violence and cruelty, this tended to be avoided wherever possible. Lycans who committed crimes tended to be imprisoned instead of being given a death penalty so they lived unless they died in battle or were killed in self-defence. The confidence, charisma and intelligence of the lycans made them successful in the army, law or business and especially in love. Both lycans and werewolves freely mingled with parohumans, humanoids, elves and nekos and even had brief relationships with nymphs though both Gods and lycans avoided one another like the plague.

    According to legend, in 1860, the Oswana Lycans colonised the continent Anea subjecting it to authoritarian rule for over 200 years. However, after the lycans and the werewolves had a major civil war and the werewolves came to power in 1948, the werewolf Prime Minister Richard Halsec made reparation for the actions of the lycans by transferring power with Anea gaining its independence in May 1948, Unfortunately the destructive actions of the lycans could not be completely undone and a cruel law banning same sex relationships remained in place for decades in Anea, despite Halsec repealing this law in his own country.

  2. #2
    At first I could not figure out why this seemed strange, perhaps the point of view of an outsider? Then I realised it is written quite unemotionally, like a text book account of the state of things in these parts, there is nothing there to involve the reader, just inform him. The first piece is a little less like this, it does at least involve individuals, but it is still like an historical account of the life of Merri. I have no idea what you intend for these pieces. They might be included as something someone is reading in a larger story, or be planning for a larger story based on the events in them, and be totally appropriate; they wouldn't make bad 'blurb' for the back cover of a book. But as stand alone pieces they lack something in the nature of the personal, and most readers like to have feelings about the subjects of the story. Even in the places where that might have happened it simply felt as though some historian was discussing the relationships.
    Be clear, there is little wrong with the mechanics of your writing, you make proper sentences, well punctuated and so forth; it is correct, but it lacks emotional content, I am sure you have feelings about your creations, most of us do, it would serve you well to let them show.

    the Delves had become corrupted through their own pride, their righteousness, a thirst for power and control, but above all, their constant flouting of the universal laws of liberty and equality. The precise cause of their corruption was unknown.
    This ,however, does not work, you tell us how they became corrupt, then tell us you don't know how it happened
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  3. #3
    Thanks, I'll see what I can do. I was aiming to write short stories or flash fiction (depending on the length) similar to the Greek Myths (which also vary in length) while trying to make well parts of the world realise that believing in God does not in any way conflict with falling in love with the same sex (though some seem to think it does) - of course thse stories were written before India decriminalised same sex love but Lycans and Werewolves was supposed to be a fantasy story of how India ended up as it did for 200 years and Merri is based on Tchaikovsky except I avoided using Russian names (apart from Ajun's alias) to stop Russia coming after me (should I publish) - I had resolved to go on a mission to stop India being homophobic (via my fantasy writing) because I was desperate but India legalised same sex love before I got through my first drafts, but it seemed a shame to waste the stories so...

    Oh by the way I edited the other stories I put up - they are on the other thread.

    Lizzie.

  4. #4
    It is very difficult to deliberately proselytise, every so often we get someone very religious who tries it here, and I have not seen it coming near working yet for them. Usually it seems to be, at least partly, because they are caught in a language trap that identifies them instantly, it is a bit like looking at the two well dressed people at the door and wondering if they are Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, at least you don't have that baggage to trail along with you. The main thing for me is the impersonal nature of these stories, and that is also what puts me off most retelling of Greek myths, they read like some academic telling me about a story, rather than the good story that I can see buried in there. I have not read it yet, but my partner recently read a retelling of Norse myths by Neil Gaiman and thought it was great 'He brings it to life instead of that dry stuff you usually get'. Might be worth your while to read that, sorry I don't have a title.


    Some suggestions; I was thinking about this last night and it occurred to me, 'Delves' may be an archaic word, but it is one everyone knows because of 'Eleven twelve, dig and delve', it also starts with the first letter of Dwarf, not tall and slender, but delving is what they do; and if the Delves were 'formerly' tall and slender... Perhaps pick another consonant? Unless you wish to explore this and show how corruption of the mind led to corruption of the body, that could be a useful direction.
    I am generally against description that is too precise, it may not fit the reader's idea of how things should be, but 'a successful music composer' really takes me nowhere. How was he successful? A recognised classicist or a well remunerated populist, for example? The person needs to be more than just a name and profession for your reader to identify (with) them, what set him on that path and made him who he was? It would also give you the chance to call him 'he', Merri is a feminine sounding name, and although 'he resided' does occur I missed it and didn't realise his gender 'til much later, by the way, why 'resided' and not 'lived'? "Never use a ten cent word when a five cent one will do" as Mark Twain said.

    'His mother was a water nymph', why not state it outright? Qualifying things always makes them weaker, a good trick if you have a weak character and want to show it, but out of place in an opening. Talk to your readers in the sort of language they use, I do not 'Go by the name of Olly', it is what I am called, that is edging towards the sort of language used to identify this as 'one of those boring myths'. Compare these:-
    Tramps had urinated in the corners of the stairwell, creating an unpleasant odour.
    Tramps had pissed in the corners of the stairwell, and it stank.
    Using the word 'pissed', and the stink of it, might offend a few old fogies, but it is a damn sight more honest to the way people actually talk.

    "The Gods had cursed any being who disrespected the rights and choices of others to become deformed in mind and body" Do you really think that homosexual people are 'deformed'? Not the ones I know, they desire people of the same sex as naturally as I do ones of the opposite sex. Going back to the Greek Gods, they disapproved of relationships between humans and Gods, but that was because Gods had power and immortality where humans didn't, so it was bound to end badly, it would be like a gay person falling in love with a straight one, or visa versa, a bit ridiculous and completely unworkable, unless you think homosexuality is just a deformity, something gone wrong, rather than a natural state of being.

    Your aim is worthy, but that should not be all, aim to stimulate and entertain, aim to create people that you readers identify with personally, and just because homosexuality is not illegal in India does not mean it is accepted. Acceptance is a thing of general culture, just like the non-acceptance of the Delves, perhaps you should be looking at a wider level of acceptance, for example a large part of India is Muslim, and music is considered 'haram' by some Muslims, your character is a composer …

    I do seem to have gone on a bit, I do hope some of it is helpful.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    Hidden Content

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. Hidden Content

  5. #5
    You misunderstood me. I meant the Gods deformed elves who were homophobic into Delves (corrupted elves). I formerly used the word Dark Elves but changed it so as not to give the wrong idea. Prejudice/bigotry ends in the person who is prejudiced/bigoted becoming corrupted/deformed. Merri is a parohuman and Ajun is a God so I definitely didn't intend to suggest what you thought I did. It was just Merri's misfortune that he resided in a country governed by the Delves (corrupted elves). and Merri is based on tschaikowsky hence why he is a composer. I'm surprised you thought Merri was female as I had the generator generate male names and after all Tolkien's hobbit Merry is male though its spelt differently. Islam doesn't exist in my fantasy stories/worlds - that has always been a dealbreaker for me. Besides I always thought India had a Hindu majority while Pakistan has a Muslim majority.
    Last edited by Lizzie Brookes; October 17th, 2018 at 01:46 PM.

  6. #6
    Thanks for the suggestions. I have revised the first story:

    Ajun and Mendes

    “All beings are born equal” was an indisputable truth among the twelve deities of the planet Utania, although ironically it was a statement subject to debate amongst the beings themselves. Beings were any form of sentient life which was not an animal, plant or deity. Beings comprised; elves, nekos, nymphs, parohumans, and many others. All beings were subject to the eternal laws of the universe. One of these laws was that all beings had the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Another was that no being was permitted to discriminate against any other being for any reason whatsoever. Any being who broke these eternal laws suffered the wrath of the Gods.

    Indeed, this was how the Delves came into being. Formerly regular elves, the Delves had become corrupted through their constant disregard of the universal laws of liberty and equality. In addition, they had become abhorrent to the Gods due to their pride, righteousness and thirst for power and control. The corruption of the Delves manifested outwardly not only in their words and actions, but also in their appearance. Thomasina Kirk the former president of Aiwren, the lady who actually coined the phrase; “all beings are born equal”, believed that combining personal convictions with political decisions and forming groups which were overly rigid in their customs generally led to division, conflict, and all manner of other problems.

    However, these delusional Delves failed to see that their own behaviour was the cause of their transformation, instead projecting their own desires onto the Gods. The Delves almost revelled in their own corruption, imposing harsh restrictive rules and claiming that such rules were the will of the Gods. Naturally countries governed by the Delves and other such beings were the most subject to the wrath of the Gods in the form of earthquakes, floods, storms and even wars, yet these beings were blind to this very truth.

    Mendes Gyasi, a famous ballet composer, and recognised classicist, was born and raised in the town of Serlacca, Asmor. His mother was a water nymph by the name of Eralato, who had a brief relationship with a parohuman, Sesupti Gyasi. Sadly for Mendes, he resided in a country governed by the Delves.

    It was well known both among Gods and mortals that Ajun, God of Life, Healing and Medicine fell in love with both men and women. According to legend, his most famous love affair was with the opera composer Mendes. Ajun descended to Utania, taking the form of a Pionus parohuman; bronze skinned with long, straight, blue and white hair, and brilliant blue eyes. Upon encountering Ajun, Mendes was immediately struck by his outward appearance, later describing him in a letter to his brother as “a youth of stunning beauty”. Although there had been no time for conversation at this point, Mendes later learned that the man in whom he had a romantic interest was a servant by the name of Pushkin Kaphiri.

    Ajun by the name of Pushkin frequented the places where Mendes was, eventually entering into a romantic relationship with the composer. As a God he was unable to offer marriage as marriage between Gods and mortals was against the rules, not to mention that the Delves prohibited same sex marriages in countries which they governed anyway.

    However, while the Delves prohibited same sex relationships out of pure prejudice, the Gods only disallowed long term relationships with mortals on the grounds that no mortal and God could meet on terms of equality due to the higher status and supernatural powers of the Gods and their position of authority in the world.

    The Gods were aware of the relationship between Ajun and Mendes but love affairs between Gods and mortals were so commonplace that they naturally turned a blind eye to them. Besides any discomfort over a God becoming seriously involved with a mortal was generally overlooked as the Gods valued the happiness of one of their own over social conventions. Ajun concealed his divine identity from the beings, as well as taking care to conceal his relationship with Mendes from the Delves to ensure the safety of his lover. However, he did disclose his true identity to Mendes, who kept it a secret. Mendes later described Ajun as an “angelic creature, with whom (he) was more in love than ever”.

    Although Mendes never revealed his lovers’ divine identity, neither he nor Ajun were completely successful in concealing their relationship from the Delves indefinitely. Rumours also spread through Serlacca that the famous composer was romantically involved with a God. Ajun was powerless to combat the homophobia that was prevalent in Serlacca, nor could he or any other God change anything that was fated. However, determined to rescue his lover from imprisonment, torture and discrimination, Ajun transformed him into a beautiful black swan, before returning to the skies of Utania.
    Last edited by Lizzie Brookes; October 18th, 2018 at 03:17 PM.

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