"Beta" Opening Paragraph of "It's a shapeshifter's life (beta title)"

Submit your creative works to Flashes >>HERE<< .

Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: "Beta" Opening Paragraph of "It's a shapeshifter's life (beta title)"

  1. #1

    "Beta" Opening Paragraph of "It's a shapeshifter's life (beta title)"

    It is said that the 16th birthday is a special date. Today is my 16th birthday. But I feel nothing that makes me special. Although I was never normal. I never wear those Barbie-like clothes—like many other girls—at the high school. I never go shopping with my friends at the mall. I don’t go to parties, too. (At least because I never get invitations.) I always prefer to hang out with my few friends at our hang out spot. Or I listen to the sound of forest on YouTube. I’m absolutely common!
    I’m not very popular at the high school. (Luckily, I have few real friends.) I write good marks. I joined Greenpeace and another social organization. But the destiny doesn’t wanna give me a chance for a normal life. I mean, even the boys avoid me. It isn’t that I’m as ugly as a ogre. I like my appearance. However, the boys run after those brainless puppets. Those girls, who turns the yearbook into a fashion magazine. They never want to hang up with me. By the way, I don’t want it, too.
    But if I tell you my whole life story, I’d be off topic. This morning is gonna be interesting. I got my typical Oh-something-is-gonna-wrong-feeling in the stomach.

  2. #2
    The sentences are a bit on the short side here, making for a rather staccato feeling. It's good to vary sentence length. It's an interesting start, but I'd need to see more to really be able to comment.

    HJC
    My novels Hidden Content and Hidden Content are available from Amazon

    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    You can find me on Twitter: Hidden Content

  3. #3
    What kind of feedback are you after, exactly?

    This passage needs a lot of editing, some information is granted to us about the protagonist's surroundings / prior experiences and encounters which is good, but other than that, its hard to give feed back if you don't specify what you are after. It's a tiny snippet from a supposedly much larger work?

  4. #4
    Member Moonbeast32's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Orem, Utah USA
    Posts
    92
    Reading this, I feel like I'm being given to assume what this character's high school and social experiences are. I find myself wanting to hear more details. Remember the phrase, "show don't tell." Expository paragraphs aren't bad, but try to add some imagery to back it up.
    Oh say, what is truth? 'Tis the fairest gem
    That the riches of worlds can produce,
    And priceless the value of truth will be when
    The proud monarch's costliest diadem
    Is counted but dross and refuse.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.