Fantasy (Flash Fiction (?) )

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  1. #1

    Fantasy (Flash Fiction (?) )

    Hi,

    I am unsure whether these stories count as flash fiction but they are definitely less than 1000 words (though that was accidental not planned) and they are inspired by Greek Mythology. I originally wrote them because I was desperate for India to stop being homophobic but to my surprise India changed before I was halfway through the first draft. These are not the first stories I wrote so there may be references to previous stories which are not here but I have already been given feedback on those stories and acted on that feedback. Please let me know what you think;

    The Deeds of Marianne

    Marianne, the daughter of Kydall and Chryseis, was the goddess of Liberty, Equality and Freedom. While all beings believed in the other eleven deities, opinions were divided as to her existence. Beings such as the Delves and Lycans completely denied her existence and what she stood for. However, the goddess did not care who did and didn’t believe in her. Her duty as a deity was to travel amongst the beings ensuring liberty and equality wherever possible without changing fate or interfering in free will. Occasionally this duty overlapped with that of her daughter Aphrodeena, the goddess of Love, Marriage and Beauty who was in charge of anything related to love and marriage.

    Marianne’s temples were constructed from white marble, interspersed with diamonds, emeralds and rubies, the three gemstones with which she was associated. Her priestesses resembled her; mahogany skinned with long, straight black hair and black eyes. Marianne’s priestesses emulated her clothing as well; wearing dresses in shades of blue, red and white with matching headbands. All shoes were removed and left outside the temple entrance as a mark of respect and no statues were outside as no animals were associated with the goddess. The majority who prayed to Marianne were women or same sex lovers, imploring the goddess to protect them from discrimination or violence, or else beseeching her to see that they were given equal rights or freedom to live as they choose.

    Same sex lovers who lived in particularly dangerous countries were provided with a ring either by Marianne or Aphrodeena. The ring was a telepathic ring with a perception filter. The ring would read the mind of any being within range and if the being was homophobic, the perception filter would cause the wearer to resemble the opposite gender in the eyes of the being while with their lover, thus protecting both beings from harm. The ring would remain on the finger of the wearer until death. However, only beings who had relationships with each other were permitted one. Any being who was romantically involved with a deity was not allowed a ring since the deity would protect them. On the advice of Zudon, all deities had open marriages given that an eternity was too long to be bound to one at the exclusion of all others. However, Marianne and Emir were unusual in only staying true to one another despite this freedom.

    The Deeds of Aphrodeena

    Aphrodeena, the daughter of Emir and Marianne, and the goddess of Love, Marriage and Beauty, was the only deity to identify as asexual. Though she never became romantically involved with another deity, she had romantic friendships with both nymphs and mortal women. Her dresses were usually pink, purple, grey, black and white, or rainbow coloured with an ace of hearts badge. However she occasionally wore blue as well and always had a black ring on her ring finger.

    Aphrodeena’s temples were constructed from white marble, interspersed with; Amethyst, Rubellite, Rose Quartz, and Tanzanite. Her priestesses wore pale pink or pale purple dresses with rainbow headbands and an ace of hearts badge. On either side of the temple entrance was the statue of a swan, one white and one black. Shoes were always removed and left outside the temple entrance as a mark of respect. Prayers to Aphrodeena usually concerned family and matters of the heart. Some beings were in denial that Aphrodeena was the daughter of Marianne, preferring instead to convince themselves that she was the daughter of Zudon or the sister of Ajun. However, none could change or destroy the temple of any deity which led to beings like the Delves and Lycans avoiding the temples of those deities they did not believe in.

    Aphrodeena performed similar duties to those of Marianne and Ajun. While Ajun was in charge of health, healing, medicine, animals, and plants, Aphrodeena was in charge of maternity. When Avi Ambani, a famous Anean playwright was imprisoned for his extramarital affair with an actor; Rajendra Joshi, for two years, the goddess of love protected both men from prison violence and discrimination. Following their release, Avi and Rajendra went into exile together. Aphrodeena guided their journey until they reached Zesmia, a country completely accepting of same sex love. Avi and Rajendra found work in the town of Ponico, settling down and eventually marrying in one of Aphrodeena’s temples with her blessing.

    Aphrodeena helped many who were subject to the cruel Anean law established by the Lycans in 1860, which imprisoned Aneans for same sex relationships. Victims of blackmail were transformed into trees; the silver bitch, the coconut palm, the oak, elm, weeping willow, and others. Victims of abuse and violence at the hands of corrupt police officers were saved either through transformation, or else Aphrodeena laid a hand on a survivor’s forehead, uttering the word “forget” and erasing all memory of any ordeal the being experienced.

    Those guilty of blackmail, abuse and cruelty sometimes fell victim to death by natural disaster, illness, or else were killed by wild animals in the most extreme cases though this decision was left to Zudon, the most powerful of the Gods. Aphrodeena in anger cursed others guilty of cruel and barbaric acts to sterility, or the loss of their wives or relatives through illness. She even caused some corrupt police officers to fall in love with trees and rocks or unknowingly take part in incestuous relationships.

    As a deity, Aphrodeena had foreknowledge of the future though as a rule she never told any being of future events since she was unable to change fate or bring forward an event. On September 7th 2018 following decades of fighting, the Aneans finally abolished the cruel Lycan law permanently, thus legalising same sex relationships in Anea.


  2. #2
    Yes, I rather like this - something about the construction reminds me of the books on mythology I grew up with. It would be interesting to expand on these Gods and the world they exist in, which seems to be a modern one.

    My only slight quibbles were with the actions of Aphrodeena. She transforms victims into trees ... is this a good thing? Some might like that fate but others not. Then there's police officers unknowingly taking part in incestuous relationships - this would also be bad for the other party in the relationship, so an innocent might be punished.

    I'm glad things are better in India now, and I hope you'll expand on this in the future.

    HJC
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  3. #3
    the goddess of Love, Marriage and Beauty who was in charge of anything related to love and marriage.
    A somewhat extreme example of tautology.
    no statues were outside as no animals were associated with the goddess.
    The logic is not obvious, perhaps a word of explanation?
    beings like the Delves and Lycans avoiding the temples of those deities they did not believe in.
    Like who? there has been nothing about them, 'beings' implies the possibility that they are not human. Why did you introduce them specifically rather than simply saying 'some beings'? In something short like this everything usually has purpose, and readers know this.
    When Avi Ambani, a famous Anean playwright was imprisoned for his extramarital affair with an actor
    ...a famous Anean playwright... is a subordinate phrase, the sentence still makes sense if you take it out, as such it is normal to put a comma at both ends.


    I was going to suggest changing the tense to present, until I got right to the end and read the date. It would still be possible though, and might give more immediacy to it, well I suppose it would, but I meant in the psychological sense as well as the tense


    I really like the premise, and I firmly believe that on the whole the old stories are the best, I did a re-write of a story from Herodotus once, but bringing it forward from a few hundred years BC to the early twentieth century with some appropriate mechanical additions. It is not perfect, but I think you do have something worth working with, good stuff.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    A somewhat extreme example of tautology.
    The logic is not obvious, perhaps a word of explanation?
    Like who? there has been nothing about them, 'beings' implies the possibility that they are not human. Why did you introduce them specifically rather than simply saying 'some beings'? In something short like this everything usually has purpose, and readers know this.
    ...a famous Anean playwright... is a subordinate phrase, the sentence still makes sense if you take it out, as such it is normal to put a comma at both ends.


    I was going to suggest changing the tense to present, until I got right to the end and read the date. It would still be possible though, and might give more immediacy to it, well I suppose it would, but I meant in the psychological sense as well as the tense


    I really like the premise, and I firmly believe that on the whole the old stories are the best, I did a re-write of a story from Herodotus once, but bringing it forward from a few hundred years BC to the early twentieth century with some appropriate mechanical additions. It is not perfect, but I think you do have something worth working with, good stuff.
    Hi,

    Thanks for the feedback.

    I'll put the other stories up so that you understand. The Delves (corrupted elves) were in an earlier story which I was already given feedback on but I'll put it up here as well so that you understand. As for famous Anean playwright that references another story (which I'll put up) but it's a playwright who lives in Anea and as you might have guessed based on Oscar Wilde.

    I agree with the tautology though so I'll try and reword that.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Harper J. Cole View Post
    Yes, I rather like this - something about the construction reminds me of the books on mythology I grew up with. It would be interesting to expand on these Gods and the world they exist in, which seems to be a modern one.

    My only slight quibbles were with the actions of Aphrodeena. She transforms victims into trees ... is this a good thing? Some might like that fate but others not. Then there's police officers unknowingly taking part in incestuous relationships - this would also be bad for the other party in the relationship, so an innocent might be punished.

    I'm glad things are better in India now, and I hope you'll expand on this in the future.

    HJC
    Apologies - that was just my anger coming through when I read about what the police did to same sex lovers before the Indian law was repealed although if you look at Greek mythology that was a theme just as turning beings (any live entity that is not an animal or plant) into trees were. I think Zeus turned a woman whom Apollo was pursuing into a tree at one point in Greek mythology.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie Brookes View Post
    Apologies - that was just my anger coming through when I read about what the police did to same sex lovers before the Indian law was repealed .
    The law and the police are not always synchronised in India, the law may have changed, but it could take a while for the police to catch up, particularly in the more rural areas.
    I think you may have missed my point about the subordinate phrase, as well as a comma.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
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  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    The law and the police are not always synchronised in India, the law may have changed, but it could take a while for the police to catch up, particularly in the more rural areas.
    I think you may have missed my point about the subordinate phrase, as well as a comma.
    I didn't think of it as subordinate as he's just a famous playwright who happens to live in Anea just as Oscar Wilde was a famous Irish playwright. I wasn't saying he's inferior/lower in rank to any other character. About the comma, did you mean that there needs to be a comma after playwright? If so I agree.

    I posted my earlier stories by the way so the references to the Delves and Lycans will now make sense - sorry for the confusion.

  8. #8
    Yes, a comma after 'playwright. It is not that he is subordinate in any way, but that the phrase is; that is to say that if you take that phrase out of the sentence the sentence still makes sense. If you can do that it is called a 'subordinate phrase' and it gets a comma at each end of it.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    Hidden Content

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. Hidden Content

  9. #9
    Thanks, I'll see what I can do.

  10. #10
    Edited Stories:

    The Deeds of Marianne

    Marianne, the daughter of Kydall and Chryseis, was the goddess of Liberty, Equality and Freedom. While all beings believed in the other eleven deities, opinions were divided as to her existence. Beings such as the Delves and Lycans completely denied her existence and what she stood for. However, the goddess did not care who did and didn’t believe in her. Her duty as a deity was to travel amongst the beings ensuring liberty and equality wherever possible without changing fate or interfering in free will. Occasionally this duty overlapped with that of her daughter Aphrodeena, the goddess of Love, Marriage and Beauty.

    Marianne’s temples were constructed from white marble, interspersed with diamonds, emeralds and rubies, the three gemstones with which she was associated. Her priestesses resembled her; mahogany skinned with long, straight black hair and black eyes. Marianne’s priestesses emulated her clothing as well; wearing dresses in shades of blue, red and white with matching headbands. All shoes were removed and left outside the temple entrance as a mark of respect. On either side of the temple entrance was the sculpture of a flame in gilded copper, supported by a pedestal of black and grey marble, symbolising the goddess and the values she stood for.

    The majority who prayed to Marianne were women or same sex lovers, imploring the goddess to protect them from discrimination or violence, or else beseeching her to see that they were given equal rights or freedom to live as they choose. Same sex lovers who lived in particularly dangerous countries were provided with a ring either by Marianne or Aphrodeena. The ring was a telepathic ring with a perception filter. The ring would read the mind of any being within range and if the being was homophobic, the perception filter would cause the wearer to resemble the opposite gender in the eyes of the being while with their lover, thus protecting both beings from harm. The ring would remain on the finger of the wearer until death. However, only beings who had relationships with each other were permitted one. Any being who was romantically involved with a deity was not allowed a ring since the deity would protect them.

    On the advice of Zudon, all deities had open marriages given that an eternity was too long to be bound to one at the exclusion of all others. However, Marianne and Emir were unusual in only staying true to one another despite this freedom.

    The Deeds of Aphrodeena

    Aphrodeena, the daughter of Emir and Marianne, and the goddess of Love, Marriage and Beauty, was the only deity to identify as asexual. Though she never became romantically involved with another deity, she had romantic friendships with both nymphs and mortal women. Her dresses were usually pink, purple, grey, black and white, or rainbow coloured with an ace of hearts badge. However she occasionally wore blue as well and always had a black ring on her ring finger.

    Aphrodeena’s temples were constructed from white marble, interspersed with; Amethyst, Rubellite, Rose Quartz, and Tanzanite. Her priestesses wore pale pink or pale purple dresses with rainbow headbands and an ace of hearts badge. On either side of the temple entrance was the statue of a swan, one white and one black. Shoes were always removed and left outside the temple entrance as a mark of respect. Prayers to Aphrodeena usually concerned family and matters of the heart. Some beings were in denial that Aphrodeena was the daughter of Marianne, preferring instead to convince themselves that she was the daughter of Zudon or the sister of Ajun. However, none could change or destroy the temple of any deity which led to beings like the Delves and Lycans avoiding the temples of those deities they did not believe in.

    Aphrodeena performed similar duties to those of Marianne and Ajun. While Ajun was in charge of health, healing, medicine, animals, and plants, Aphrodeena was in charge of maternity. When Avi Ambani, a famous Anean playwright, was imprisoned for his extramarital affair with an actor; Rajendra Joshi, for two years, the goddess of love protected both men from prison violence and discrimination. Following their release, Avi and Rajendra went into exile together. Aphrodeena guided their journey until they reached Zesmia, a country completely accepting of same sex love. Avi and Rajendra found work in the town of Ponico, settling down and eventually marrying in one of Aphrodeena’s temples with her blessing.

    Aphrodeena helped many who were subject to the cruel Anean law established by the Lycans in 1860, which imprisoned Aneans for same sex relationships. Victims of blackmail were saved through transformation and could choose to be transformed into an animal, plant or being of their choice. Those who chose to be transformed into plants generally choose trees due to the longer lifespan. Such trees included; the silver bitch, the coconut palm, the oak, elm, weeping willow, and others. Victims of abuse and violence at the hands of corrupt police officers were saved either through transformation, or else Aphrodeena laid a hand on a survivor’s forehead, uttering the word “forget” and erasing all memory of any ordeal the being experienced.

    Those guilty of blackmail, abuse and cruelty sometimes fell victim to death by natural disaster, illness, or else were killed by wild animals in the most extreme cases though this decision was left to Zudon, the most powerful of the Gods. Aphrodeena in anger cursed others guilty of cruel and barbaric acts to sterility, or the loss of their wives or relatives through illness. She even caused some corrupt police officers to fall in love with trees and rocks or even their own reflections.

    As a deity, Aphrodeena had foreknowledge of the future though as a rule she never told any being of future events since she was unable to change fate or bring forward an event. On September 7th 2018 following decades of fighting, the Aneans finally abolished the cruel Lycan law permanently, thus legalising same sex relationships in Anea.

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