Which sentence reads better?

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Thread: Which sentence reads better?

  1. #1

    Which sentence reads better?

    Trying to decide which sentence would be more grammatically correct and read better. It's a small change. Don't know if I should use the comma, semi-colon, or hyphen at the end of the sentence.

    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator; catching sight of himself in its reflection.


    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator, catching sight of himself in its reflection.

    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator - catching sight of himself in its reflection.

  2. #2
    The 2nd one.
    ...but you should remove the excess adjectives; low & oval.
    Too many descriptors in one sentence.



    $0.02

  3. #3
    I would say the second or third example as it's not a case for a semi-colon.
    I agrre with Ralph about excess adjectives.
    'and caught' might work better than 'catching'.


  4. #4
    WF Veteran Bloggsworth's Avatar
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    Hearing a muffled whoosh beside to him, he caught his reflection in the elevator as he turned towards it.
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  5. #5
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    Trying to decide which sentence would be more grammatically correct and read better. It's a small change. Don't know if I should use the comma, semi-colon, or hyphen at the end of the sentence.

    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator; catching sight of himself in its reflection.


    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator, catching sight of himself in its reflection.

    Hearing a low muffled whoosh next to him, he turned toward the oval elevator - catching sight of himself in its reflection.
    The second one - the comma. The subclause as it is doesn't warrant a dash or a semi-colon on its own.


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  6. #6
    The second one, as the first and third are usage errors. A semicolon is used to pair two weak sentences that could technically stand on their own; the author doesn't want them to stand on their own. A dash is usually used specifically to break up the sentence or to draw attention to the second clause. On days I had nothing better to do - which was most days - I could be found floating down the creek aimlessly. The thought can then continue on after a second dash as you see here.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    Hearing a muffled whoosh beside to him, he caught his reflection in the elevator as he turned towards it.

    Before I revised the sentence it was phrased this way. I'm trying to follow some of the advice my fellow WF members have given me. I tend to use adverbs a lot and I'm trying to get away from using them as frequently.

  8. #8
    Thank you guys for your help!

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