TuesdayEve Aug 2018 Pip Challenge

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  1. #1

    TuesdayEve Aug 2018 Pip Challenge

    The Wish

    I am tolerant but my patience meager
    I wonder when you’ll wake, open your minds
    and cease to waste
    I hear rainforest screams, ensnared sun fish
    last gasp, and rage of dried river beds dusted
    with lead
    I see flotillas of plastic, bottels and wrap,
    acsending black smoke cancer the air,
    nuclear bombs beneath my old skin fracking
    and gauging our future nightmare
    I want restoration, collaboration, partner with
    man to uphold sacred trust
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I pretend you have honor, will guard and
    protect me, for
    I touch all lives, if I die, who survives
    I feel you’re lost, forgotten your duties,
    trapped in greed, sold out for gold
    I worry the children will live with the poison,
    burn off their skin and dry up their tears
    I cry for the mothers of kidnapped gorillas,
    of skinned leopard trophies and beat
    baby seals
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I understand, you’re only human
    I say man’s kind, and can love all creatures,
    tiny red ear mites to colossal blue whales
    I dream of integrity beyond your delusion
    I try to be heard but you’re blind to
    the sound
    I hope we have time to teach you respect,
    repair harms path and my faith in you
    I am tolerant but my patience meager


    Revised

    The Wish

    I am tolerant but my patience meager
    I wonder when you’ll wake, open your mind
    and cease to waste
    I hear rainforest screams, ensnared sunfish
    last gasp and rage of dry river beds dusted
    with lead
    I see flotillas of plastic, bottels and wrap,
    acsending black smoke cancer the air,
    nuclear bombs beneath my old skin, fracking
    and gauging our future nightmare
    I want restoration, collaboration, partner with
    man to uphold sacred trust
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I pretend you have honor and will guard and
    protect me, for
    I feel you’re lost, forgotten your duties, trapped
    in greed, sold out for gold
    I touch and embrace each life on and around me,
    if I die, who will survive
    I worry children will live with the poison,
    red blistered pustules oozing distain
    I cry for mothers grieving their babies,
    slaughted young seal pups, bloody red ice,
    massacred herds of white rhinos dehorned
    cut while alive lay bleeding and die
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I understand, you’re only human
    I say your ego will kill us all
    I dream Sarin will decay in the anal of history,
    shameful behavior of man’s hideous ways
    I try to forgive animal testing, drain cleaner and
    dish soap dropped in ideal eyes, and admire the
    warrior’s of innocents rights, patrolling the oceans
    and marching allies
    I hope we have time to repair harms way, respect
    for all life and my faith in you
    I am tolerant but my patience meager
    Last edited by TuesdayEve; August 12th, 2018 at 03:35 AM.

  2. #2
    hello - an original take on the challenge, with expansive lines to dwell on the concepts.

    although, on first reads, it comes across as a bit preachy.
    your target is humanity, I presume - which you belong to - so...

    I wonder when we’ll wake, open our minds
    and cease to waste

    has more depth?.....................Ned

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by TuesdayEve View Post
    The Wish

    I am tolerant but my patience meager
    I wonder when you’ll wake, open your minds
    and cease to waste
    I hear rainforest screams, ensnared sun fish
    last gasp, and rage of dried river beds dusted
    with lead
    I see flotillas of plastic, bottels and wrap,
    acsending black smoke cancer the air,
    nuclear bombs beneath my old skin fracking
    and gauging our future nightmare
    I want restoration, collaboration, partner with
    man to uphold sacred trust
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I pretend you have honor** how about "integrity ..., will guard and
    protect me, for
    I ***touch*** stronger word needed .. all lives, if I die, who survives
    I feel you’re lost, forgotten your duties,
    trapped in greed, sold out for gold
    I worry the** cut 'the' children will live with the poison,
    burn** Blister** is more graphic... off their skin and dry up their tears

    I cry for *the** Cut "the" mothers of kidnapped gorillas,****
    I cry for Gorilla mothers grieving for their babies
    of skinned leopard trophies and beat **work on this line
    baby seals** slaughtered baby Seals
    Drama...add drama with imagery.... shine a light o these atrocities...
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I understand, you’re only human
    I say man’s kind, and can love all creatures,
    tiny red ear mites to colossal blue whales
    I dream of integrity beyond your delusion
    I try to be heard but you’re blind to
    the sound
    I hope we have time to teach you respect,
    repair harms path and my faith in you
    Ok,,, the above lines are "preachy" like Ned already pointed out.... I kinda want FIRE and BRIMSTONE... we have all but destroyed this planet...
    I am tolerant but my patience meager
    I love poetry like this... it matters.... ramp this up! Either whisper your message, or ROAR your message... but do not "preach"....

    Create a mood of impending disaster.... the annihilation of this planet...
    a mood is created with strong imagery

    The voice of this poem is passive... I would expect RAGE...

    you used the structure and the designated words very well, and I loved your refraining line.... sounds like a portent of DOOM!!!!
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    This is amazing ... however, I don't like the dynamic of I/you here, in this specific space. ... this is supposed to be a poem about TE, not some holier-than-me, Higher Power, which is the voice I'm reading from the protagonist. I think that ned's "we" puts the protagonist as one of us and that might be the key to the voice issue.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  5. #5
    Mother Earth scolding humanity

  6. #6
    Yeah, I understood it's a higher power speaking here. I do understand the comments about being 'preachy'. Ned and Fire have given you good advice. I don't know if it works for you, but if I write a poem from this sort of perspective, a personalisation, I really pretend it is about me, and then, as the Earth, I rage at these humans who are killing me, describe my pain and wounds and so on.

  7. #7

  8. #8
    Revised

    The Wish

    I am tolerant but my patience meager Maybe "is growing thin" instead of meager. Like a parent talking to a bad child.
    I wonder when you’ll wake, open your mind
    and cease to waste
    I hear rainforest screams, ensnared sunfish
    last gasp and rage of dry river beds dusted
    with lead
    I see flotillas of plastic, bottels and wrap,
    acsending black smoke cancer the air, maybe black smoke, airs cancer.
    nuclear bombs beneath my old skin, fracking
    and gauging our future nightmare Like this line!
    I want restoration, collaboration, and partnership with
    man to uphold sacred trust
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I pretend you have honor and will guard and
    protect me, for
    I feel you’re lost, forgotten your duties, trapped
    in greed, sold out for gold
    I touch and embrace each life on and around me,
    if I die, who will survive
    I worry that children will live with the poison,
    red blistered pustules oozing distain
    I cry for mothers grieving their for babies,
    slaughted young seal pups, bloody red ice,
    massacred herds of white rhinos dehorned
    cut while alive lay bleeding and die
    I am tolerant but my patience meager

    I understand, you’re only human very nice line!
    I say your ego will kill us all
    I dream Sarin will decay in the anal(I'm not sure this is the right word) of history,
    shameful behavior of man’s hideous ways
    I try to forgive animal testing, drain cleaner and
    dish soap dropped in ideal eyes, and admire the
    warrior’s of innocents rights, patrolling the oceans
    and marching allies good line!
    I hope we have time to repair harms way, respect
    for all life and my faith in you
    I am tolerant but my patience meager


    Tuesday, a very nice poem and a good improvement. A few suggestions, you're missing punctuation but that might have been intentional. A few suggestions for you but you've done a very good job with your poem!
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

  9. #9
    Thanks Pel for your suggestions...S3L3, I thought
    some would do a double take, read over it or
    not notice... but it’s intentional.

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