Literary Maneuvers Jul 18 Scores - Dead Boys Don't Cry

Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    Wɾˇʇˇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    In a far-distant otherworld.
    Posts
    2,546
    Blog Entries
    4

    Literary Maneuvers Jul 18 Scores - Dead Boys Don't Cry

    Hello, hello. Are you all enjoying the summer? More to the point, are you on tenterhooks with regard to the scores? Good, good.

    Here we are again with the outcome of this month's Literary Maneuvers monthly fiction competition, and what a turnout we had this month! My maths head is well and truly shattered with all this adding and averaging out of the 11 entries. But I thank you all for that commitment - it truly is what makes the LM happen. Thank you also to the judges for their time.

    It is 53 minutes past midnight here, so without further ado, let us get to the scores:



    Plasticweld

    To the writers, two pieces were not judged because of the editing rule but commented on. Strong scores were given to those who managed to tell an interesting story and have a twist or un-expected use of the prompt. If you just wrote something to squeeze in the prompt, you will find out that I judged you harshly.


    Another Rebel Is Born
    DeAlexander Clarke

    SPaG 5/5
    Tone and voice 3/5
    Effect 4/10
    Total 12

    While told with great skill, you managed to say almost nothing in 650 words. I feel bad about grading you so hard on effect, but the whole story seemed only to be a lead up to somehow fit the prompt. I was left with more questions than answers and too little detail to even really care about what was going on.


    I ... Manage by AstroAnnie

    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 4/5
    Effect 8/10

    Total 17

    I liked this story. It flowed well, kept me guessing and you did not hit me over the head with the prompt. Some good visuals and a sense of characters that were all neatly tied together, making your ending work exceptionally well.


    The Country Cottage (Condensed Prologue) by Matthew Steele

    Spag
    Tone and Voice
    Overall effect

    No score for being edited after the 10-minute grace period.
    You did a good job setting the scene. I could easily picture the surroundings and the characters. You added enough of a story to keep me going yet kind of gave us a predictable ending. Your writing flows well and your dialog is very good.


    A boy and a shadow by Guslar
    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 4/5
    Effect 6/10
    Total 15

    This was a brave attempt to tell a very complex story. The narrative would have worked better if formatted a little differently perhaps. I struggled a few times to keep the inner voice and the character's voice separated from each other trying to keep them both straight. The idea for the story is a good one. Your character descriptions let me form some empathy for them. The ending was kind of a given, considering your creativity with the narrative I guess I would have expected a little more. Y



    Suspicious Activity – by Godofwine

    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 5/5
    Overall Effect 10/10
    Total 20

    This was just as well told story. Great hook to keep me reading, all tied in with a visual and mental description of the character in just the first paragraph. You managed to tell a very complex story in just a few words. The dialog was crisp and believable, your dialog tags sold it. The ending was a nice twist on the prompt


    Amateur Hour by Simadog
    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 5/5
    Overall Effect 9/5
    Total 19

    I am not sure if you just read, “Strange Uncle George's Tips and Tactics
    For, The Literary Maneuvers Contest.” or if we just share similar interests and writing styles.

    The hook was great, strong lead in that kept me wondering and kept me reading.

    “I actually laughed at that. I had moved off the sidewalk when I saw him and was now leaning against a wall that led to some random alley, pretending to be engrossed in my D-Vice (the older model that looks like a baseball cap with the screen/visor over the eyes). To all appearances, I was absorbed in a C-Dram pushing benefits and features of anal pickling or whatever, but in reality I was watching him botch his approach.”

    This whole paragraph just made me wonder what you were talking about and did a lot to take away some of the momentum of the story. Told well, written well with a nice twist at the end. Always appreciate a writer who gives his reader some credit for enough intelligence, to not be hit over the head with details nor shy about introducing terms or words that may be un-familiar with.



    Angels Don't Cry By ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 5/5
    Overall Effect 10/10
    Total 20
    A very powerful story. Another example of knowing who the judges are, or just giving your reader some respect for having a knowledgeable of history. While I am sure it will be lost on many, it hit home with me.

    You started out with a good hook, broke up the span of years well and concisely told a complex story in just a few words and made great use of the prompt.


    Nepenthe

    4th July, 2007 AD/39 AA by Jonthom

    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 4/5
    Overall Effect 6/10
    Total 15
    You start out strong and tell a good story. I got the feeling that towards the end that you wrote too much towards the prompt and kind of just added it in for an ending. You have some great material for an expanded story and my gut tells me you had a hard time with trying to do it in a condensed version for the contest. You show great promise as a writer and I hope to see more of your work.

    The Shield Maiden's Lament by Dormouse

    Spag 5/5
    Voice and Tone 5/5
    Overall Effect 5/10
    Total 15/20

    I know this is fiction, but I really had a hard time with any believability with your story. While it was well told and well written I could not really get past the storyline being devoid of reality. Good fiction should have enough truth, to never doubt the embellishments of the author.




    After My Dog Died by Serra

    Spag 3/5
    Tone and Voice 3/5
    Overall Effect 5/5
    Total 11

    This was written in a broken-up way. While the concept of the story is good, I had trouble with how it flowed. It came to a predictable conclusion yet showed some real insight into humanity.

    The Committed by ned

    Spag 5/5
    Tone and Voice 5/5
    Overall Effect 10/10
    Total 20

    This was a nice story and well written. The dialog and the descriptions let me feel like I was there. The relationship between Jack and Tom was touching. The ending was strong and very memorable






    SueC

    (1) Another Rebel is Born
    DeClarke
    Prompt: Dead Boys Don't Cry
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 3/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 15/20
    Review: Good job on your first entry! This was an interesting piece, DeClarke. There were some passages that seemed familiar. You are very skilled at depicting how these sentiments are reflected in humanity and I applaud your abilities. However, when I read stories such as this, where the emotion of an obscure event is described in such detail, there is usually a defining moment along the way where the reason for the feelings become clear; where what was elusive is suddenly within my grasp of understanding. The mention of a "burka" and "burnt-bronze hands" gave me the idea this was taking place in a far east country, but not much else. I found the last two paragraphs a little confusing. Alternately, I think sticking to the idea of a mother's loss and despair due to strife in her land, and not going much further, might have resulted in a better read. She could have been an "every women" representing those mothers who must live and weep over loss in any beleaguered country. While you were specific in feelings and the effect of trauma, it really could have been anywhere that war is raging.

    Formatting-wise, there were several incomplete sentences. One or two for emphasis I can overlook, but as you see, in the first paragraph alone there were about 6. You also began a couple of sentences further on with the words "And" (3) and "But" (2). All of that aside, good for you for your entry into your first comp! I think you did a splendid job and was spot-on with the feelings of loss and sadness. You incorporated the prompt well. Good job, DeClarke! Keep writing and thanks for sharing.


    (2) I ... Manage
    Astroannie
    Prompt: Dead Boys Don't Cry
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 3/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall: 14/20
    Review: Hi Astroannie. It took a while, but I found the prompt in there. ("I am dead inside. I don’t feel. Anything.") Your MC feels dead inside already and doesn't cry, even when cut. This was a disturbing read, and like others with similar arguments for ending a life, there were flaws in reasoning.

    Your MC sounds more depressed than schizophrenic, but I am not a doctor. I didn't see any problems with spelling. I do not think, however, the use of the ellipses was appropriate here, since there was nothing written in quotes. You used them frequently, so the score will reflect that. ("Use an ellipsis when omitting a word, phrase, line, paragraph, or more from a quoted passage." from www.grammarbook.com) .

    With this story, it might have been helpful for your readers to hear things like I've been like this since childhood, or my parents never understood me, so I got no help for feeling hopeless. Things like that may have generated an interest in your MC. I think maybe with some changes it could be a better profile of a character wanting to end his life. Thanks, Astroannie.

    (3) The Country Cottage (Condensed Prologue)
    MatthewSteele
    Prompt: Dead Boys Don't Cry
    Not scored
    Review: Hi Matthew. Good job for your first try in our monthly competition! I found the prompt not as apparent as I had hoped, but this was a pretty tough one. Your story was an interesting idea and I think one you could expand on, if there had been more words available. Personally, I feel a writer should always use complete sentences, and even though I understand where you were going with your first sentence, I think you could have accomplished the same goal with proper syntax. Instead of "Light, noise, voices. Nothing." as a beginning, which doesn't really capture your reader, it might have worked better with something like, "I saw a light and heard voices; then there was nothing." I know a limited word amount is hard but complete sentences are a must.

    I saw no real spelling or grammar errors, but there were some sentence structures that didn't quite work and seemed awkward. I really liked his leaving and winding up in the same place as before part, and I think you did a good job with that. I actually love stories that show a writers imagination at a time where we readers have no idea what is going to happen next, and the little lady in the cottage was pretty compelling. Thanks, Matthew.


    (4) A Boy and a Shadow
    Guslar
    Prompt: Dead Boys Don't Cry
    Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
    Tone/Voice: 3/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 14/20
    Review: Hi Guslar. I see this must be your first try at our monthly competition and welcome! This prompt has been a difficult one; destined to be laden with sad tales. Your story was a brief look into the mind of a boy who feels his failures keenly and I think we all have that hidden voice inside our heads from time to time. Sometimes they are painful to listen to.

    Formatting-wise, there are issues with the layout and punctuation that will affect your scores. There should be paragraph breaks with the quotes and it would have been a much easier read if those had been in place. There were the occasional missing space between sentences, inappropriate comma and semi-colon use, misspelled words that were more like typos. But the story itself was compelling and I really think if you took some time to polish it, it would be a worthwhile read. Don't give up! You have a wonderful voice, very genuine, and I would love to see more of your work. I also found the prompt in your writing - good job! Thank you, Guslar.

    (5) Suspicious Activity
    godofwine
    Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect: 9/10
    Overall: 19/20
    Review: I really liked this, GOW. You did a nice job helping your readers to actually see the Sheriff, and with the accompanying drawl, there was no question at all who was in charge. Everything was very straight-forward, not a lot to figure out. He was appropriate and believable in his dealings with the young deputy, and it gave you - the writer - the opportunity to show to us - your readers - why this event of "suspicious activity" was not a suicide at all, but attempted MURDER!

    I saw no issues with spelling or grammar. You incorporated the prompt very nicely. I liked the way you used it as a tool to show that he wasn't dead after all. Good job all around and thanks for your submission.

    (6) Amateur Hour
    sigmadog
    Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 15/20
    Review: Sigmadog. I'll say upfront that I enjoyed the read, even though I didn't understand half of it. I always think it's risky, when a writer is trying to appeal to anyone at all outside an inside group, especially when the inside group may be the only ones who understand the technical or jive or some other jargon used in the story. Such phrases as " To all appearances, I was absorbed in a C-Dram pushing benefits and features of anal pickling or whatever, but in reality I was watching him botch his approach." were beyond my ken. There were a couple of others like that, that I passed over because I didn't understand what was meant. Another one - "Tueller distance" - was one I had to look up on Google for a definition.

    All of that and my ignorance aside, I saw no spelling issues, but did pick up on a couple of inappropriately-used ellipses and incomplete sentences. I think this could be a really good story with a couple of formatting changes taken care of. We all talk in abbreviated sentences; we use shortcuts constantly; sometimes a mere word can be used to convey a whole lot of emotions, but writing so your readers understand what is going on is a challenge. Anyway, I liked the story. I'd be interested in reading more of your work. You did a good job of incorporating the prompt theme and thank you, sigmadog.

    (7) Angels Don't Cry
    ArrowintheBowoftheLord
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 16/20
    Review: Arrow, this tale was extremely deep and I had to read it a couple of times to be sure I understood all that was there. At some point, I felt that I was there too, that the telling was making sense to me, but then it would float away and I wasn't sure that I was reading what you intended. I will say this appeared beautifully written and while I don't understand a lot of it, I think I know what you were trying to tell - at least in part. It wasn't the history you were trying to portray, it was the thought process of your MC that I found confusing.

    I understand your MC is the angel of death and as such has been witness to many events in history. However, several times the process seemed a little muddled. I didn't understand the comments regarding remembering their faces, or the part about not laughing, or laughing at all. I do know what Passover is, the significance of that particular day, and that was one of those moments where I felt clarity. I also saw Christ (unnamed) on the cross and the grief at the end, but really could not find the prompt. I saw no real issues with spelling or grammar. Thank you for submitting your work.

    ( Nepenthe
    Jonthom
    Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
    Tone/Voice: 3/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 14/20
    Review: Hi Jonthom. Looks like this is your first comp and welcome! I understand this particular prompt would probably draw some darker stories than we are used to, and you did a good job on that score. Your attention to detail was well thought out, and I had no difficulties understanding your meaning or intention. I saw no issues with spelling.

    However, as far as formatting was concerned, there were several incomplete sentences throughout your piece. Sometimes such sentences can be used for effect, but the frequency in this work was distracting. For example, "Finally, about a year ago, Nepenthe - a revolutionary approach to mental health, an alternative psychiatry with all the power and none of the drawbacks." or "'bloody nightmare' was how the woman put it." This second sentence needed a capital "B" at the beginning. I felt the prompt was more of an add-on, than a real part of the story. Sometimes, if you read your work out loud, you will be able to pick up on some of these things. Thanks for your entry.

    (9) The Shield Maiden's Lament
    Dormouse
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 16/20
    Review: Hi Dormouse. What a sad tale. I found myself hoping the baby was protected enough, and felt sadness when I realized it was not. I think you did a good job here and incorporated the prompt well. I know it is a challenge sometimes with a limited word count, and I think you may have sacrificed some clarity because of that, but all in all, I believe your story was well told and the emotion rang true. You had good attention to detail.

    There were some punctuation issues and tense going from present to past in some places, but I think if you read your work out loud, you will pick up on those pretty quickly. There were several incomplete sentences, too. ("Cleaving men, women even children." and "Re braids her hair as she returns to the ship.") The prompt was a little weak, but there all the same. It was an interesting read and thank you!

    (10) After My Dog Died
    Serra
    Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 8/10
    Overall: 17/20
    Review: Hi Serra. Only people who have owned and loved dogs really understand that awful pain when a well-loved pet dies. There is so much about this story that I can relate to, and appreciate. However, there was also an equal amount that I did not understand. Who, exactly, is the green-eyed woman? I had to read it a couple of times, but am still not sure I understand. I had thought she was an alter-ego, the one who was trying to move on from the loss; the part of the MC who could still eat and get on with life. I thought the green-eyed woman actually was the MC, until the stubble part. The prompt was not as apparent as I had hoped.

    I saw no real issues with formatting, but it feels like there were things left out. I know the word count limitation may have been an issue, but for the most part I was left with some confusion. I think if you worked on clarification, this could be a good story. Thank you for your entry, Serra.

    (11) The Committed
    Ned
    Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
    Tone/Voice: 4/5
    Effect: 9/10
    Overall: 18/20
    Review: Ned, this was pretty good! It was a nice story and the pace was good. You kept my interest, as I kept the prompt in mind, and I thought you incorporated it well. You infused a caring for your characters, which is sometimes hard to do with limited words. I enjoyed this.

    No formatting issues that I can detect. Your descriptions seemed spot on as to what I can imagine in a low-deck in a war ship would be. The only thing I noted was a capitalization of the word ship in the first sentence - I think it should be lower case. The letter "f" was missing on a word in the second paragraph. Reading your work out loud can sometimes pick up on these things. Other than that, as I said, I couldn't see any problems and I liked the way you incorporated the prompt. Thanks for your entry, ned. Good job!

    ---

    H.Brown

    Wow guys what a great bunch of entries for this months challenge and you all brought out your best, making this challenge even harder to judge than most. Each of you showed a different response to the prompt with no two stories being alike, well done. So without further or do find my sccores and reviews for eachh of your entries below and thank you alll for making this judging so tough and enjoyble.

    Doormouse: The shield maiden's Lament.
    Spag 3T+V 3
    Effect 8
    overall: 14
    Review:


    Doormouse you have an interesting entry, there are a couple of spag issues that tripped me up when reading; 'The last time they raided here.' I feeel that this should be The last time they'd raided here. This keeps the tense firmly in the past. You also slip out of the tense here as well; 'She turned her back...' I feel it wuold read better as She'd turned her back... these keep the past tense and make for smoother reading.I slao felt that you missed out key words that again would make for a smoother narrative voice. Your tone was clear and I felt the mother/warrior's turmoil as she glances down and sees her child is dead, you poortray the feelings of rage well through your words and you voice does for the most part keep the reader submersed in the scene. Overall I enjoyed this entry and felt that it was a great entry, with an amzing title that captures the readers attention from the start.


    Jonthom: Nepenthe


    Spag 3
    T+V 4
    Effect 8
    Overall: 15


    Review:


    Jonthom there are some issues with your spag that make it hard for the reader for example in your first line: 'I pull my hood over my head, try to avoid eye contact...' with the first person narrative voice that seems to be in the present tense then I think that I pull my hood over my head, trying to avoid eye contact...would work better and keep with the present tense while keeping the reader submerged in the action playing out. Again here it feels like you have missed out an issential word; 'I ignore them, keep marching' should it not be I ignore them and keep marching? this to me would make more sense and keep to your tone of voice that has been established. I liked the subject of your story but I felt that you continuously miss out important words that would help with the flow of reading, keeping my intrenched in the action playing out. You do however have a strong voice that shines through your writing which is great to see and the tone is perfect for the story you are telling. Overall you have the begingings of a great story and with a little more editing I believe could be a fantastic story around mental health. Well done.


    Arrowinthebowof thelord:Angels Don't Cry.


    Spag 4
    T+V 5
    Effect 9
    Overall: 18.
    Review:


    AITBOL I enjoyed reading your story there were at times words that I would put in a different order so that they didn't make me stumble as I read them for example; 'I've seen your face somehwere, before...' instead of I've seen your face before, somewhere... One of the things that I greatly enjoyed throughout your entry was your use of time jumps, they were cohesive and moved your story along, such a great take on the prompt and written very well, your narrative voice is engaging and interesting and the tone keeps the reader engaged with the action taking place from start to finish.


    Simadog: Amateur Hour.


    Spag 5
    T+V 4
    Effect 9
    Overall: 18


    Review:


    Sim your story is engaging with the reader but it comes across more of a telling rather than a showing of events. At the beginning your voice seems distanced which makes it harder for the reader to settle into the writing (IMO.)
    however as the story goes on it becomes more focused and this helps the reader and helps pick up the pace of the reading, which kept me reading until the end. I would look at intro to the story and see if you can keep some of the sentences together in a paragraph to improve the pace, for example:


    The attack was so telegraphed, Samuel Morse would've seen it coming from last week, so many mistakes, where do I start? (You could even add the narrative voice sighing here to give the reader more of an insight into his dissappointment and frustration.)


    I see no major spag issues and the last two lines are awesome and drive home the prompt successfully, well done.


    godofwine: Suspicious Activity.


    Spag 5
    T+V 5
    Effect 10
    Overall: 20
    Review:


    GOW I enjoyed reading your entry, your narrative voice was clear, consise and engages the reader with the action taking place. Your use of pacing id=s fantastic and I found myself reading faster and faster until I was gutted when it ended. I came across no major spag issues, a lovely entry.


    Mathewsteele: The country cottage (Condensed prologue.)


    Spag
    T+V
    Effect
    Overall:
    Review:


    You have a spelling issues at the end of the first paragraph 'ben' instead of 'been'. You also don't need the 'and' here: On a lounge chair in the centre of the room sat an elderly women in a pleasent summer dress and adorned....also here I think you need a little more than just adornded, like ...apleasent summer dress and a bonnet adorned her head...


    here you miss out the word an... 'tea pot still in hand, (an) amussed smile...


    Overall your narrative voice is good and the overall story is intriging and makes me want to read more. Howeverr as per the rules of the challenge the editing period for entrants is a ten minute grace period this includes editing the title, hence why I have not given a score but I have offered a review.


    Astroannie: I ... manage.


    Spag 5
    T+V 5
    Effect 10
    Overall: 20
    Review:


    Annie this is a moving story, from the first word to last you had my attention hooked, the narrative voice kept my attention from it's questioning to it's rationalising of the intended acts all the way to the actuall act of cuting himself. You capture inner thought process of a person who struggels with mental health issues. I didn't notice any spag issues and your writing was effective to me atleast, making me almost cry at times. A well written entry.


    DeClark: Another rebel is born.


    Spag 5
    T+V 5
    Effect 10
    Overall: 20
    Review:


    De clark I greatly enjoyed your entry, it was written extremly well with no spag issues that I picked up on. Your narrative voice was effortless as you took the reader through the story. Your use of imagery awesome, painting the images into my mind as I read. For an overall cohesive story with a smooth reading pace. Well done.


    Guslar: A boy and a shadow.


    Spag 3
    T+V 3
    Effect 6
    Overall: 12
    Review:


    Guslar would cut down your parragraphs to make them easier to read and have a look at how you can effect the pacing of this story with a mix paragraph length. This will keep the reader interested in what is happening. I also think that another proof read was needed before submitting this entry as there are extra full stops that do not need to be where they are, for example: ...couldn't do anything!". and again here...broke up with her.". You also have a tendancy to tell the reader what is happening instead of showwing them, for example you state that the nv is crying but you could show this instead, for example here: 'The boy got up to eat something.' This is not needed I would just begin with him taking the jam and spreading it over the bread. Alsas the reader I found myself always questioning who the narrative voice is, you do not give us much to go on and this distances the reader from connecting with the nv. However overall your story has got promise, you portray the male mind well and intriguingly, that I think with a couple of more edits this could make a nice look into the male mind and make for a good story.


    Serra: After my dog died.


    Spag 3
    T+V 4
    Effect 8
    Overall: 13
    Review:


    Serra you have some words that are just not needed for example here; 'Their noise is so loud that...' you could have removed the is and this in my opinon would improve the overall flow of the sentece and paragraph in general. In the second paragraph why do you capitalise the word silence? I don't think you need to.'In the distance, a woman walks her dog.' I believe that this should have another break between it and the sentence above.


    Who is the green-eyed woman? Is she important to the story or is she just added for the sake of adding another character? If she is important to the narrative voice I think he would still refer to her by name rather than a discription of her eyes, no matter how much he cared for his dog if she lives with him then he must have cared about her too.


    I liked how you portray the silence filling the space of the house and it being thick like treacle is a great discription for it. You capture what it must be like to lose a beloved pet well capturing the little things that would remind a person of what they miss Serra and I liked reading your entry. With a few tweaks I think this could be a great short story.


    Ned: The comitted.


    Spag 4
    T+V 5
    Effect 9
    Overall: 18
    Review:


    Ned you miss the f off of 'First' in the second paragraph. I like how you se dialogue in this entry, dropping the g's gives your character a distinct accent which fits the common salior character. Ned what an entry you capture the feel of being on a ship extremly well and you sweep the reader onwards through the battle and death of Jack, to encaptualte it all and bring it full circle with your last line of 'If you can swim Jack...swim this way' brilliant last line. You do the prompt justice with your discriptive and emotive words.

    ---

    To the numbers, then:

    PlasticWeld SueC H.Brown Total
    Another Rebel Is Born - DeClarke 12 15 20 15.67
    I ... Manage - astroannie 17 14 20 17
    The Country Cottage - Matthew Steele - - - DQ
    A boy and a shadow - Guslar 15 14 12 13.67
    Suspicious Activity - godofwine 20 19 20 19.67
    Amateur Hour - sigmadog 19 15 18 17.33
    Angels Don't Cry - ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord 20 16 18 18
    Nepenthe - Jonthom 15 14 15 14.67
    The Shield Maiden's Lament - Dormouse 15 16 14 15
    After My Dog Died - Serra 11 17 13 13.67
    The Committed - ned 20 18 18 18.67


    It's all here. It's all in black and white. The situation is that:



    Godofwine has won
    with
    "Suspicious Activity"
    in a
    Near-Total Landslide

    ~

    ned takes the second
    with
    "The Committed"

    ~

    ArrowInTheBowOftheLord
    in third with
    "Angels Don't Cry"





    There it is. Champers, champers. It's all there to gloat over or mourn over. Thank you all. G'night.
    Last edited by bdcharles; August 10th, 2018 at 10:23 AM.




    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  2. #2
    Thank you judges and congrats to the winners. Well-written, all!
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  3. #3
    Thanks for the crits! Very helpful.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Graphic Design. Illustration. Happy Dogs.
    Hidden Content

  4. #4
    Congratulations winners. Thank you very much judges, your comments give me lots to think about.

    @Plasticweld could you help me a bit more by telling me what you found so unbelievable please. Not arguing just curious.

  5. #5
    Having been around pregnant women; the idea that somehow you would bring a someone ready to deliver a baby into battle is absurd. It is a big deal to take anyone 9 months pregnant to the grocery store or make any trip of any length. The idea that somehow they would fight as a warrior so soon after delivery, even more absurd. You show great talent as a writer. Writers are good story tellers, who suck you in and make you want to believe every word, envision everything going on. When it starts out with, you thinking as a reader or listener, "This is ridiculous you" have lost the reader.

    Every good fiction writer makes it all possible. what you crafted was impossible based on real life experiences. The good news is that one of the most difficult parts of writing, you are very good at. The prompt this month almost an impossible one to center a story around, that you could not already guess the ending to. You will see I gave very high marks to those who accomplished this and beat up the ones who gave us a predictable story. For any contest with the caliber of writers that we have here on the forum, it will most of the time boil down to who told the best story. The stories I like I read to my wife, there were three of them this month that were too good not to share.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  6. #6
    Thank you, I thought that was what you thought. (Oh that is a terrible sentence lol). I think you have a valid point as I can not assume specialist knowledge on my readers. I will keep that in mind for future work.
    Thank you again for taking the time to read and review for me.

    For information (not aimed at you but everyone), it is common for women in less developed countries to leave the field they are working in, give birth and return to work.
    30% of Vikings that came to the U.K. were women. Most voyages lasted between 6 - 12 months before returning home.

  7. #7
    A really great way to start the morning! I saw the results last night before I went to sleep-probably not good for an insomniac, but I went to sleep happy. I've worked so hard at writing, participating for 3 years and 40 or so stories before my first win last year. I feel it now - the difference in my writing style, and I know you judges have prepared me forthe future.

    It helps me a lot to see the characters I’m writing about.The inspirations for the sheriff were Michael Parks, a popular character actor who passed away last year at the age of 77. He notably played the sheriff in Tarantino’s Kill Bill and reprised that same role in Death Proof.

    But the hat? The hat is from one of the greatest written TV shows ever – Justified. The Late Great Elmore Leonard wrote and produced Justified, the story of U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, who wore that signature hat,the Ranch Tan Stetson Marshall. A few years ago after winning $1000 singing ina talent show I bought that same hat (godofwine77 on youtube- shameless plug)


    Thank you to the judges and all who entered. The comments from these contests have helped me immensely, as I’m sure they have all of you.

  8. #8
    I loved "Justified!" Those iconic characters were so embedded in my brain for weeks as we streamed that series and what a hotbed of characters! I hated that it ended. You did so well with your story, GOW and yes, it does feel good to know that others think so too. Keep up the good work.
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  9. #9
    Well done GOW and Arrow - and good to see so many new participants.

    and thank you to the judges and the hosts.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.