astroannie's August 2018 Pip

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  1. #1

    astroannie's August 2018 Pip

    Original

    I am a callipygian mama
    I wonder if you even consider that...
    I hear you talkin' 'bout me
    I see your snicker and I raise you a high-five
    I want us all to be winners...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I pretend you can't reach me...but
    I feel every syllable you speak and
    I touch you with every little thing
    I worry about...even if you turn away while
    I cry into my pillow because
    I am a callipygian mama

    I understand more than you know though
    I say I'm clueless and inept...even as
    I dream of better things for us and
    I try my damnedest to make it so
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    Revision

    I Tell You What...

    I am a callipygian mama
    I wonder if you've ever considered that...
    I hear you talking about me
    I see your snicker and I raise you a high-five
    I want us all to be winners...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I pretend that you can't reach me...but
    I feel every syllable you speak
    I touch you and uplift you...even as
    I worry about your choices
    I cry silently into my pillow...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I understand your attitude, but
    I say to you, observe how
    I dream life...from thoughts to words to actions
    I try it until it works
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama
    Last edited by astroannie; August 18th, 2018 at 11:55 PM. Reason: typos
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  2. #2
    I had to google "callipygian" and I am so glad I took the time to do so, it was sooo worth it... as you can imagine, I fell in love with this poem.... there is a poignant vulnerability that tugs at me... I empathize with the woman portrayed in this poem.... I feel like I know her...well done, Annie...
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  3. #3
    Annie, I like this and found it fascinating because I learned a new word. Is there a reason ‘callipygian’ is spelled differently in the last two stanzas than in the first? I agree with Fire regarding the poem. Good work.


    "If I should die," said I to myself, "I have left no immortal work behind me - nothing to make my friends proud of my memory - but I have loved the principle of beauty in all things, and if I had had time I would have made myself remembered."
    John Keats


  4. #4
    yeah, it's cuz I didn't copy/paste and I was doing it on my phone ...
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  5. #5
    Dear annie,
    I too had to look it up...I didn’t know there was a word
    for that. Thanks.
    Many mama moments, meaning, very relatable.
    S2L3 I thought a bit vague though
    Poetry Hill
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  6. #6
    hello - really like how the lines flow into a narrative - good job on that.

    room for improvement? - always.....

    I feel these lines need working on, for various reasons-

    I touch you with every little thing
    I worry about...even if you turn away while

    perversely - I haven't looked up callipygian - I prefer my imagination.....................Ned

  7. #7
    Thanks, TE and ned.

    This is a new style for me--it's not a comfortable fit and you're right about some of the pinch-points.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  8. #8
    I can imagine it is a new style for you, it is for me too yeah, it's strange to have a sort of harness isn't it?
    It's especially the first three lines of your second stanza that speak to me because of their vulnerability.
    Good poem Annie

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Darren White View Post
    I can imagine it is a new style for you, it is for me too yeah, it's strange to have a sort of harness isn't it?
    It's especially the first three lines of your second stanza that speak to me because of their vulnerability.
    Good poem Annie
    Not the constraint -- I can do constraint from here till next week -- it's the enjambment. I so totally never (w)rap around like that but it would have been ... heinous to me to rattle off a list of "I /this/" and "I /that/" so I had to make it move.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  10. #10
    What an awesome take on this challenge! Your last stanza is your weakest though, particularly these lines:

    I dream of better things for us and
    I try my damnedest to make it so
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz

    I know you're constrained tightly by the challenge, but everything prior just read so clearly that I forgot that I you were being forced into a structure at all.
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

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