astroannie's August 2018 Pip

Submit your creative works to Flashes >>HERE<< .

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: astroannie's August 2018 Pip

  1. #1

    astroannie's August 2018 Pip

    Original

    I am a callipygian mama
    I wonder if you even consider that...
    I hear you talkin' 'bout me
    I see your snicker and I raise you a high-five
    I want us all to be winners...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I pretend you can't reach me...but
    I feel every syllable you speak and
    I touch you with every little thing
    I worry about...even if you turn away while
    I cry into my pillow because
    I am a callipygian mama

    I understand more than you know though
    I say I'm clueless and inept...even as
    I dream of better things for us and
    I try my damnedest to make it so
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    Revision

    I Tell You What...

    I am a callipygian mama
    I wonder if you've ever considered that...
    I hear you talking about me
    I see your snicker and I raise you a high-five
    I want us all to be winners...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I pretend that you can't reach me...but
    I feel every syllable you speak
    I touch you and uplift you...even as
    I worry about your choices
    I cry silently into my pillow...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I understand your attitude, but
    I say to you, observe how
    I dream life...from thoughts to words to actions
    I try it until it works
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama
    Last edited by astroannie; August 18th, 2018 at 11:55 PM. Reason: typos
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  2. #2
    I had to google "callipygian" and I am so glad I took the time to do so, it was sooo worth it... as you can imagine, I fell in love with this poem.... there is a poignant vulnerability that tugs at me... I empathize with the woman portrayed in this poem.... I feel like I know her...well done, Annie...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Annie, I like this and found it fascinating because I learned a new word. Is there a reason ‘callipygian’ is spelled differently in the last two stanzas than in the first? I agree with Fire regarding the poem. Good work.
    There was never a great genius without a trace of madness. Attributed to Aristotle.

  4. #4
    yeah, it's cuz I didn't copy/paste and I was doing it on my phone ...
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  5. #5
    Dear annie,
    I too had to look it up...I didn’t know there was a word
    for that. Thanks.
    Many mama moments, meaning, very relatable.
    S2L3 I thought a bit vague though

    ‘Coffee, Tea and Other Beverages’
    Poems about the drinks that take us through our day
    available on Amazon
    Hidden Content


  6. #6
    hello - really like how the lines flow into a narrative - good job on that.

    room for improvement? - always.....

    I feel these lines need working on, for various reasons-

    I touch you with every little thing
    I worry about...even if you turn away while

    perversely - I haven't looked up callipygian - I prefer my imagination.....................Ned

  7. #7
    Thanks, TE and ned.

    This is a new style for me--it's not a comfortable fit and you're right about some of the pinch-points.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  8. #8
    I can imagine it is a new style for you, it is for me too yeah, it's strange to have a sort of harness isn't it?
    It's especially the first three lines of your second stanza that speak to me because of their vulnerability.
    Good poem Annie
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    I am a clay potato in a strawberry field
    -Darren White, from "Clumsy"

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Darren White View Post
    I can imagine it is a new style for you, it is for me too yeah, it's strange to have a sort of harness isn't it?
    It's especially the first three lines of your second stanza that speak to me because of their vulnerability.
    Good poem Annie
    Not the constraint -- I can do constraint from here till next week -- it's the enjambment. I so totally never (w)rap around like that but it would have been ... heinous to me to rattle off a list of "I /this/" and "I /that/" so I had to make it move.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  10. #10
    What an awesome take on this challenge! Your last stanza is your weakest though, particularly these lines:

    I dream of better things for us and
    I try my damnedest to make it so
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz

    I know you're constrained tightly by the challenge, but everything prior just read so clearly that I forgot that I you were being forced into a structure at all.
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.