astroannie's August 2018 Pip - Page 2

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  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by astroannie View Post
    I am a callipygian mama
    I wonder if you even considered that...
    I hear you talkin' 'bout me
    I see your snicker and I raise you a high-five
    I want us all to be winners...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama

    I pretend you can't reach me...but
    I feel every syllable you speak and
    I touch you with every little thing
    I worry about...even if you turn away while
    I cry into my pillow because
    I am a callipygian mama

    I understand more than you know though
    I say I'm clueless and inept...even as
    I dream of better things for us and
    I try my damnedest to make it so
    I hope you're paying attention...cuz
    I am a callipygian mama
    A very introspective poem, well structured and written. I've offered a few suggestions and this also suffers from how good it really is. A limited opportunity to improve. Thanks for sharing a very good poem.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  2. #12
    Re-vision up.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  3. #13
    Love it with the revision in bold. That also brings me straight on stage, spoken word poem. That's what it could be

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Darren White View Post
    Love it with the revision in bold. That also brings me straight on stage, spoken word poem. That's what it could be
    Yes, that's how I see it. I would read it like that. I didn't want to compromise the challenge by including a recording, but I"m tempted. This is really intended to be that kind of piece which is out of my comfort zone and new to me but ... wow, it's cool to say, "I did this!"
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  5. #15
    Would using CAPS be a way to impart this to a reader or would bold be oaky?
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  6. #16
    Caps is the internet equivalent of yelling at someone, so I wouldn't use that

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