Other Me - 44 Words

Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Member JellyTrigger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    The United States of America
    Posts
    29

    Post Other Me - 44 Words

    It's been a while since I posted, I haven't written much in a long time. I've just recently become a national emergency medical technician so things have been busy. Regardless, I wanted to share a piece with you all.

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez

    The Newbie Writer



    "Other Me"

    Those longing eyes pull me in...


    Trying to find something within...

    Disappointment is all they see...

    A failure I can guarantee...

    But I long to see her fantasy...

    Her beautiful ocean sea...

    Where we can finally be free..

    Keeping her from the "other me"...


  2. #2
    Dear JT,
    Congradulations, NEMT, big accomplishment.
    Lovely sentiment poem.
    The first four lines rhyme well. The next four lines,
    I think need a bit more variety. I feel the emotion,
    but the continual eee rhyme is a distraction.
    VISIT: calens-eden.com
    New poets explore
    Poetry Hill
    Pip Challenge=FUN



  3. #3
    I on the other hand like the eee part of the poem, and felt that the 1st few lines should have had the eee ending also.
    “Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
    E. L. Doctorow

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by JellyTrigger View Post
    It's been a while since I posted, I haven't written much in a long time. I've just recently become a national emergency medical technician so things have been busy. Regardless, I wanted to share a piece with you all.

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez

    The Newbie Writer



    "Other Me"

    Those longing eyes pull me in...


    Trying to find something within...searching for something within [ just a different way to express your message...


    Disappointment is all they see...

    A failure I can guarantee...

    But I long to see her fantasy...

    Her beautiful ocean sea...not loving the redundancy of "ocean" and "sea"

    Where we can finally be free..

    Keeping her from the "other me"...

    I do like where you were going ... but I think this needs more context...I am not sure what the "other me" is referring to...avoid vague statements such as " her fantasy" "trying to find something" and "disappointment".... I hope my comments makes sense to you ... its just that it is difficult for me to connect with your message because it does not say much that I can relate to...
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.