Other Me - 44 Words

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  1. #1
    Member JellyTrigger's Avatar
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    Post Other Me - 44 Words

    It's been a while since I posted, I haven't written much in a long time. I've just recently become a national emergency medical technician so things have been busy. Regardless, I wanted to share a piece with you all.

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez

    The Newbie Writer



    "Other Me"

    Those longing eyes pull me in...


    Trying to find something within...

    Disappointment is all they see...

    A failure I can guarantee...

    But I long to see her fantasy...

    Her beautiful ocean sea...

    Where we can finally be free..

    Keeping her from the "other me"...


  2. #2
    Dear JT,
    Congradulations, NEMT, big accomplishment.
    Lovely sentiment poem.
    The first four lines rhyme well. The next four lines,
    I think need a bit more variety. I feel the emotion,
    but the continual eee rhyme is a distraction.

  3. #3
    I on the other hand like the eee part of the poem, and felt that the 1st few lines should have had the eee ending also.
    “Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
    E. L. Doctorow

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by JellyTrigger View Post
    It's been a while since I posted, I haven't written much in a long time. I've just recently become a national emergency medical technician so things have been busy. Regardless, I wanted to share a piece with you all.

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez

    The Newbie Writer



    "Other Me"

    Those longing eyes pull me in...


    Trying to find something within...searching for something within [ just a different way to express your message...


    Disappointment is all they see...

    A failure I can guarantee...

    But I long to see her fantasy...

    Her beautiful ocean sea...not loving the redundancy of "ocean" and "sea"

    Where we can finally be free..

    Keeping her from the "other me"...

    I do like where you were going ... but I think this needs more context...I am not sure what the "other me" is referring to...avoid vague statements such as " her fantasy" "trying to find something" and "disappointment".... I hope my comments makes sense to you ... its just that it is difficult for me to connect with your message because it does not say much that I can relate to...
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  5. #5
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    its simple, but i feel it omg, i love it ... THIS THO


    "Trying to find something within..."
    (trying to find doesn't sound right to me
    maybe looking at something within
    like there is something there to look at
    something more concrete like how certain you seem to be
    that there is something she sees
    not like maybe, like she wants to see something
    but she doesn't at all, see theres that
    or she might see something, but its a fantasy
    I mean thats obviously it, but
    it feels hopeful but uncertain, like a wish for closeness
    and a very distant chance, u cling to even if u have no reason to
    totally over thinking it right, but totally makes a difference to me)




  6. #6
    hello - nice introspection - and good advice already given by Fire.

    so, can only suggest-

    but I long to see her fantasy - but long to see her fantasy
    where we can finally be free - finally be - opportunity here for a more meaningful verb.

    cheers..............Ned

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