First attempt, please go easy lol

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Thread: First attempt, please go easy lol

  1. #1

    First attempt, please go easy lol

    So here we are dear reader, warmest wishes to you as you read my meagre offering to the literary gods themselves. Indeed if writing was a religion, I would be a tibetan monk most modest and humble, with the faith of a million monks and the aptitude of a million ninjas. Should I, this humble writer, before you give my offering I bow with deference to your eyes, as they are my most critical of critics.

    Should I, this lowly common person kneeling in front of you offer my writing as a humble offering to thine eyes. Should I, stutter my vocal chords over the tune that is my writing and have your ears absorb every word like a piece of bread absorbs milk. Yes, my wonderful audience, my believers in fact of this humble monk that is tibetan in origin and orange of cloth (although not of the prison variety).

    Should I place my very heart, still beating, on your altar my blessed reader?

    I, dear reader, invite you to cast your eyes over my most humble of scriptures. I offer my most sincerest of apologies should my reverential writings not reach your undoubtedly high expectations. Great expectations do not apply only to Dickens, they apply to aspiring novelists the world over, yes even to the tibetan monks. Be still thine eyes as you drink in and absorb my writing through the optic nerves that eventually deliver to thine brain. Be still! That critical voice that the tibetan monks drive away with their meditation and possibly offerings to the god they believe in. Be even stiller! Such as a sloth asleep on a lazy sunday afternoon. Be still, yes indeed be still.

    Let my words talk to your heart in a language it understands, possibly morse code. Then place your heart and let mine be transplanted to yours, then you may feel my writing coursing through each vein apart from the pulmonary one for that is already oxygenated. Let me breathe oxygen into thine veins like a plant breathes out oxygen too and reach thine lungs gasping for more.

  2. #2
    Wow! You are quite the wordsmith Can't wait to read more!

  3. #3
    For all the thees and thines, it doesn't go anywhere. I read it and at the end I felt angry. I could have used my time in a more productive way.

    You can't fanny about with readers. Unless you hook them quick, they're gone. Most readers won't give you time to blather. They want something, a reason to read on. In humour, it's even more brutal. Unless they empathise with you, get hooked and feel they share an insight with you, they're off elsewhere.

  4. #4
    You need therapy if it makes you angry lol

    Sent from my G8441 using Tapatalk

  5. #5
    Wɾˇʇˇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    In a far-distant otherworld.
    Blog Entries
    You have some good word choices - stutter my vocal chords - and there's a definite voice, kind of part Uriah Heep, part well, I don't know what. What will you write next? At some stage, you will of course want to think about what is happening, what is the key event of your story that this character is about to experience? Then take us on that journey.

    But for now, here, you have a a workable character voice. Go with it, see where it leads.

    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge

    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"


    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous


    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!

  6. #6
    Member QuixoteDelMar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    The Prime Material Plane
    "Ninja" is plural. No need for the 's'. Americanization. Pet peeve. Bugs me whenever I see it.

    Okay, so... it doesn't read particularly well. And I dislike the speaker. All the flowery turns of phrase, asking me to read... something. What? There is no what. And I don't see any humor in it. Nothing was particularly funny or stuck out as witty or charming. In writing humor, a key element is to either subvert reader expectations, or draw out and demonstrate the absurdity in a common or mundane situation or thing. There wasn't anything like that here.

    But it's clear you have a good vocabulary and enough good sense to know when to adhere to the rules of grammar and when not to - both very important skills to develop. And it feels like this is the introduction to a much longer piece - it would have to be, if the narrator goes on that much to say "Hey, read this. I'm telling you something." So what I'm saying is...

    Good start. Keep going.
    I don't want what another man can give me. If he grants me anything, then it's his to give and not my own.

    “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, I Hope I Shall Arrive Soon

  7. #7
    I like it. Not sure where it's going (which is a good thing). Hope you post more.


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