The Legend of Chubby Chapter 4 (1471 words)

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  1. #1
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    The Legend of Chubby Chapter 4 (1471 words)

    The audience booed and babbled about what was going on.

    “Who are they?” asked the audience.

    “I vant my money back!” said avoice in a German accent.

    The time to start the show begunand Chubby Leddy and Wigglestaff stood their jaw-dropped to the number ofpeople watching them. The lights started to dim which was their cue to get offthe stage. Corporal Boba saw them got up on his feet to pursue them in thedark-lit room with cameras and thingumajig’s gliding to get a better shot ofThe Moonlight Shack. Chubby turned to notice the bloodhound on his tail, Chubbypouted and flipped a carpet with dust which tumbled in this face rolling intohis brown canine nose making a ha choo! The audience members were stunned tosee what was happening with the disturbance of the dog and his shuffling offeet as he tip-toed instead to get to the rest of the nitwit’s.

    “Come back here!” saidBoba. “You cannot get far.”

    “Why are you followingus?”

    “Come here.”

    “We won’t allow you torummage the rest of the Neck.”

    Boba cut off the power inside TheMoonlight Shack leaving the audience running for their lives. Screams andblahblahblah happened all around the pitch-black darkness. Chubby saw aflicking of white-light and found the exit leading them into a checkerboardwith snakes and ladders flying around them like some Alice In Wonderland typeof scenario. Chubby shook his head like he was seeing things while insteadtaking the snake to slide down to get out of the crooked board flopping fromside to side.

    “Take my hand Arya!”said Chubby. “Make it like chain of hands.”

    Arya looked to Leddy andWigglestaff to each form a rope to slide carefully down the acid tripcheckerboard making sure that not one of them is left behind. Chubby sighed andsprinted off to get to the rest of the slime green snakes. A ladder nearlyknocked him down as it spun clock-wise and Chubby was left confused. He duckedhis way from the next set of brown ladders which tried to stagger him like anAmerican football player. Yet resilient but not so fortunate for Arya and Leddyas they were sent back up to the starting point of the board.

    “No!” he said. “Whatdid I tell you guys.”

    Arya and Leddy were captured andbrought back to The Moonlight Shack. The conversation grew larger with thegeneral turned on the power to bring the whole room to a lit-mood. The NaziWardogs marched and spoke with Corporal Boba. A projection arrived whichappeared as a 3d Hologram of Damien Large. A catman wearing green Amazonianwardrobes and a sliver tiara with orange fur. His tiara gleamed in theultraviolet light that overlapped the room of the shack. Thanks to a piece ofthe neck that Corporal Boba scavenged from one of the dimension gliding aroundthe dragon-shaped vortex.

    “Mr. Large, we havefound of one the pieces to the Core of Chub City.”

    “Ah! My! My sleepwasn’t so good!” said Damien Large.

    He licked his paws and purred stretching his feet in front ofthe bloodhounds on the floor in a turquoise 3d projection that turned in a360-degree angle.

    “What? I am tired.”said Large.

    Corporal Boba nudged one of the bloodhound subordinates with hiselbow when he noticed one looking starstruck.

    “Grow up!” said Boba.

    “Ahem!” said a tribalbloodhound.

    “What can I do foryou?” asked Large.

    “What do you suppose Ido with these dimwits?”

    He grabbed Leddy, Arya and Wigglestaff from the soldiers to askwhat to do and shrugged in impatience he need to go back to Chub City rightaway and deal with the rebirth of the metropolitan.

    Damien Large inspected closer to the three and purred in delightmaking a meow to them and the Nazidogs.

    “Purrrfeect!” saidDamien Large. “Bring them to me. I will eat them for supper.”

    The hologram closed itself with a speck and a beep to end thetransmission.

    “Wait.” Said Arya. “Weare not your enemy, we don’t even have any of the pieces of the Neck yourlooking for—”

    Boba smacked her with his dark caninepaws.

    “Shut up traitor!” said Boba.

    Arya stared at the dogman in anger and shame.

    “You can’t slap awoman.”

    “I just did.”

    One of the men caught Leddy trying to escape and made sure thatshe’d not get away from the Corporal or the soldiers circling around her.

    “Get away from me!” said Leddy.
    “Who are you and what is yourbusiness here in The Moonlight Shack?” asked Boba.

    He pushed its nose with his fingers toying with the gargoylesnickering and stomping on it’s feet to a get a rise out of it.

    “What are you going todo Gargoyle. I assume you are from Lunacup are you not?”

    Leddy asked if it wanted a lollipop.

    “What is this?”

    Chubby barged into the WarnerBros-themed Studio set dropkicking the dog and karate fought the pack of zanyNazidogs waiting to take down the packs of bloodhounds wanting him dead orknock unconscious (They were wussies who do not know how to lay a finger onsomebody) Chubby Donkey-Kong billowed taking their heads and smacking them oneby one. Some cat-slapped them and while Chubby wasn’t looking went androundhouse-kicked him while beating him with a black bayonet. Arya got out ofthe Corporal Boba’s hands and help Chubby and kicked the Dog with her feet andthrew her camera to flick pictures blinding the Nazidogs in the process. Thefight had been going on for a couple minutes until the four ran for their livesto heading back out into the portal. Leddy bit the hand off the men inside theWarner Bros Studio House with the smell of mothballs lingering in and out ofthe room. The snakes and ladders danced and slanted again in 3D for Chubby andhis allies to shift on. Riding on Nagini and slime green snakes to take themout into the exit where the checkboards flashed from green to blue to know thatthey’ve completed the task to getting out the acid trip they were attempting tobreak out of by avoiding the swinging brown ladders.

    “Get in the hole.” saidChubby.

    A square burrow let them out intothe world of sunflowers and meadows just like in Arya’s dream and realized shewas reliving the same moment: the white room, Corporal Boba, the swallowing offood. Is she a Chub herself? She questioned this by asking Chubby when theyfound the next portal and a piece of the Neck.

    “Can I ask you aquestion Chubby?”

    “What?” replied Chubby.

    “I know I am only humanand everything but I am considered a Chub? While I was kidnapped by that sliceman fellow I fell into a dream—”

    “No.”

    “Oh.”

    The portal presented itself and with that they were on their wayinto the next realm. Two of the 6 six realms were already explored from here onout Chubby would make sure that they would be safe in the arms of Chubby’s armsas he vowed that these kidnapping activities would come to an end. Arya guidedLeddy and Wigglestaff into a portal that looked Mayan that the last. They heldtheir breath and fell down the spiraling vortex shrieking and bending down thespheres of yellow and blue illumination and smacked face down into the world ofTemples and Caves lying everywhere and almost in every place. The four wereshocked to see the wilderness that they were in so dazzling and funny-lookinglike they were in a Mexican countryside with flatlands and cow mooing wildly inherds across from where their eyes can see. They moved quickly according to theinstructions of Chubby trotting to a Mayan Temple noticing that there wereNazidogs still following them but they did not care and saw a piece of The Neckand kept going until they saw it go into the gray Peruvian Temple.

    “What is this thing?”asked Arya.

    “Looks like a birthdaycake!” said Chubby.

    “How?”

    “I don’t know, it lookslike I can eat it, it’s shaped like one.”

    “Seriously darling?”

    “Darling?”

    “This is the 1940’s.”

    “I am Chubby.”

    “Get moving.”

    “Ok.”

    They hurried up the stairs while cannonballs shot out from thesky. Pirate ships from The City of Chains arrived and aim straight for the fourof them. Chubby leaped and inhaled them from behind as they Nazidogs go ontotheir mini-vessels shaped as steampunk airplanes to take down the four of them.Chubby spat out the cannonball into the sky knocking down one of the brasspirates-ships to the ground. Dozens gliding in swarms trying to fling

  2. #2
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    Crimson, from what I have read of both this chapter and your chapter three I can say that your writing is confusing for the reader. You jump from action to action not leting your reader or the characters feel what is happening. This stop us as readers from conecting with your characters.

    Also the basic writing needs work to make it easier to read, fixing the basic mistakes will lead to a more enjoyable read. I also do not understand fully what is going on, who are the bad guys, who are the good guys? What are they running from?
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    Visit My Blog to get to know me better.Hidden Content Hidden Content A fun group of like minded new writers.
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  3. #3
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    Read Chapter 1.
    Then come back to this.

  4. #4
    Mate, I've read all four chapters. It's a somewhat interesting idea. However, you really need to work on dialogue and tone. I feel no suspense in the story, and the tone is just... well, nonexistent, frankly. As far as dialogue, some of the lines are just laughable. When I read "I am Chubby." and "Ah! My! My sleepwasn't so good!", I audibly laughed out loud. If this is a comedy, then great work. If it isn't, then you've got a somewhat decent idea, but you need to do some heavy rewriting. Also, this fourth one ends rather abruptly. Not sure why that is. Anyways, good luck!

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by BurntBridge View Post
    Mate, I've read all four chapters. It's a somewhat interesting idea. However, you really need to work on dialogue and tone. I feel no suspense in the story, and the tone is just... well, nonexistent, frankly. As far as dialogue, some of the lines are just laughable. When I read "I am Chubby." and "Ah! My! My sleepwasn't so good!", I audibly laughed out loud. If this is a comedy, then great work. If it isn't, then you've got a somewhat decent idea, but you need to do some heavy rewriting. Also, this fourth one ends rather abruptly. Not sure why that is. Anyways, good luck!
    It's supposed to be a comedy.

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