random 150 words flash fiction
Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1

    random 150 words flash fiction

    The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. Thatís it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
    ďTiana, I donít think thatís a good idea.Ē I say. But itís useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes. Tiana moves forwards. Faster and faster. I can only hope that Alexei arrives quickly. My heart throbs. Iím sweating.óActually, it should be impossible for a dhampir. Actually!
    Itís gonna to be my end. From a civil vampire, she turns into a predator. Cold and heartless. Tiana stands some inches in front of me. I can Ö Whump!
    Tianaís body falls on the ground. Alexei has a silver stack in the hand and stands behind the inanimate body. I pull myself together and stand up. I throw my tattered black leather jacket into the next garbage can. I turn around, ďThank you!Ē.

  2. #2
    Alright. Pretty good.

    Like all first drafts, there's some room for improvement.

    When I first read the opening, I thought Tiana was the main character, and she was the one thinking "That's it!" I think you need to rework it and establish the main character. Make it clear that the MC is the one seeing the drip of blood.

    This doesn't give much info about the main character, but flash pieces often don't, so I'm not sure that matters much. But when the dhampir and sweating is mentioned, I'm not totally sure if the main character and narrator is a dhampir.

    I don't see the value of the sentence "Actually!" There's probably something you are trying to convey with that, but it's not coming through to me.


    Again, there's potential here! I have seen worse first attempts. You have a creativity and enthusiasm for writing that should be pursued.

  3. #3
    Wɾ°ʇ°∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    In a far-distant otherworld.
    Posts
    2,199
    Blog Entries
    4
    Quote Originally Posted by Art3mis View Post
    The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. That’s it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
    “Tiana, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say. But it’s useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes. Tiana moves forwards. Faster and faster. I can only hope that Alexei arrives quickly. My heart throbs. I’m sweating.—Actually, it should be impossible for a dhampir. Actually!
    It’s gonna to be my end. From a civil vampire, she turns into a predator. Cold and heartless. Tiana stands some inches in front of me. I can … Whump!
    Tiana’s body falls on the ground. Alexei has a silver stack in the hand and stands behind the inanimate body. I pull myself together and stand up. I throw my tattered black leather jacket into the next garbage can. I turn around, “Thank you!”.
    With flash, watch out for repetition. You want everything to matter, so doubling up just burns word count. Then think about words you can live without: but, that, it's, only, should, etc. Strip these out and a new kind of nascent voice can emerge.

    But the main thing is - what's notable about this? The basic arc is "everything turned out OK". Why should it? Why not have the I get afflicted. Maybe they don't realise it till the final sentence. Go for max impact.




    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  4. #4
    I'm glad to see you post some work.

    This is a good first piece. I don't necessarily think I'd consider it flash fiction -- flash fiction has a resolution. This seems more like a displaced scene from a much-larger piece of writing.

    The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. That’s it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
    I like that you are thinking visually. You use adjectives and simile to convey an image to a reader. Keep this sort of technical thinking up throughout the course of your writing and you'll be in good shape.

    “Tiana, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say. But it’s useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes.
    I can't tell if this was a stylistic choice for your narrator, or just a grammar error. If it's style, it doesn't seem consistent with the rest of the voice. Regardless, this is more of that imagery that I like to see you using.

    You're off to a good start and you show promise as a writer. Now stop asking other forum members to do your thinking for you and write more!

    I wrote some things, once...

    "Fool Me Once" in Hogglepot
    "The Sommelier" in Every Day Fiction
    "The Degenerate" in Black Denim Lit

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.