New Vision for a New World

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  1. #1

    New Vision for a New World

    Two screens throughout the working day
    office desk with side by side displays
    Phones held under tables during dinners
    Tablets serving as baby sitters
    Maps and schedules in train stations
    Direction shown on cars' navigation
    Game on a TV sixty inches wide
    Escape to theaters with IMAX inside
    The fake mundane of a naked scene
    pales to the real beauty upon the screen
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

  2. #2
    I like the idea of what you're getting across but I think it's too blatant and a little dry...make it feel more

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by undead_av View Post
    I think it's too blatant and a little dry...make it feel more
    I think you may be right on the blatant point but I feel the dryness with the topic makes the poem. It feels like all of life is a list and we are all just checking off on our way through.

  4. #4
    hello - I keep coming back to this one.

    I like the ideas here, and with the rhyming, fairly skips along.

    the form might be a bit looser - some line-breaks, for a breath. Maybe, breathless was your intent.

    For me, more care needs to be taken with the wording. Make the language work for you.

    for example - the opening rhyme is day - so why rhyme it with displays, when display will do nicely.
    we already have the concept of two screens - so take it somewhere else with the second line.
    ie. 'office desks with data-bases on display' - not great imagery, but gives depth while holding the rhyme.

    I'm not suggesting you change this poem, only to consider my point for the next one................Ned
    Last edited by ned; July 23rd, 2018 at 02:29 PM. Reason: it is

  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Texas, United States
    Posts
    60

    Tablets serving as baby sitters <--- that was so brilliant, I know this is just a compliment, but seriously ^_^=b observations are op

    I really like how it doesn't feel like it stands still
    its constantly moving like life, even tho the topic isn't moving, you moving through scene quickly
    like somebody's day, someone busy

    you use the word mundane, but not to describe what you were describing before, which seemed like very mundane happenings, and I liked that you used that word, because you highlighted something I was already thinking and now, its in my mind, that what you described was the mundane.

    I like it. it sounds much more simplified and basic than it really is, and I love it. To me, that one word made all the difference, because I had different ideas or ways to label it, but you forced my choice, and I didn't realize. it until I reread it. Thank you Andrew, good stuff man

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