TuesdayEve July 2018

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Thread: TuesdayEve July 2018

  1. #1

    TuesdayEve July 2018

    •Original•

    Aries Rules

    He followed the moon guided by stars
    carried the tune buried the scars
    shared waves with sea lions
    toured clear water caves
    danced with blue fins
    stayed curious and brave

    Two wheeling free speeding
    SLAP! still alive
    bones by a hundred
    shattered mass nosedive

    He’s weathered the pain
    suffers for grace
    balanced insane
    chasing the race

    He lives as a hermit
    a tent with a hose
    plays guitar in the dark
    paper chain self imposed
    attached to the dream
    true love will unbind
    mother’s cross words
    wound belt and denial

    Alone with his ego whom he has named god
    he feels he’s impressing with no easy starts
    hope his companion
    his hope to transcend
    no longer the lover
    forever the friend

    •Revised•

    Aries Rules

    He followed the moon guided by stars
    carried the tune buried the scars
    shared waves with sea lions
    toured clear water caves
    danced with blue fins
    stayed curious and brave

    Two wheeling, free speeding
    SLAP! still alive
    hundred bones shattered
    massive nosedive

    He’s weathered the pain
    suffered for grace
    balanced insane
    chasing the race

    Alone with his ego
    whom he has called god
    he feels he’s impressing with no easy starts

    He lives as a hermit
    a tent with a hose
    plays guitar in the dark
    paper chain, self imposed

    He laughs at his cane
    a crutch for conceit
    screened from a world trumped with deceit

    Once a champion lover
    skilled at his sport
    golden haired trophies
    reserved in backcourt

    Cinched to a dream
    true love will unbind
    mothers coarse words
    wound belt and denial

    His fate he believes
    controlled by his mind
    No room for a friend, an angel or God

    Yet, he prays to ascend
    to be cruelty free
    of his disjointed bones
    and misshapen pieces

    In lone isolation the squall rages on
    as wind through his ribs
    whisper how long
    Last edited by TuesdayEve; July 23rd, 2018 at 04:33 PM. Reason: Added one word

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  2. #2
    Some nice imagery here. I think that this is about a rebellious youth? There's a few lines that I don't quite understand; that may be my fault of course.

    bones by a hundred


    Should be "by the hundred", I think?

    paper chain self imposed


    Not sure what this is a reference to.

    no longer the lover
    forever the friend


    I'm not clear on whose lover/friend he is?

    HJC
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  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by TuesdayEve View Post
    Aries Rules

    He followed the moon,
    guided by stars
    carried the tune,
    buried the scars

    shared waves with sea lions
    toured clear water caves
    danced with blue fins
    stayed curious and brave

    Two wheeling free speeding to me "free"doesn't fit maybe loved instead.
    SLAP! still alive could you move "mass nosedive" here
    bones by a hundred
    shattered mass nosedive then put "but still alive" here?

    He’s weathered the pain
    suffers for grace
    balanced insane
    chasing the race Good stanza!

    He lives as a hermit
    a tent with a hose
    plays guitar in the dark
    paper chain self imposed

    attached to the dream
    true love will unbind
    mother’s cross words
    wound belt and denial

    Alone with his ego whom he has named god
    he feels he’s impressing with no easy starts
    hope his companion
    his hope to transcend


    no longer the lover
    forever the friend
    It's own short stanza for more impact.


    A very good
    poem, Tuesday and some very nice imagery. However, S5 was confusing to me, almost like it went in a different direction.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  4. #4
    Thank you both for your comments and advice.I have
    revised it a bit and will post very soon according to your
    suggestions. But to clarify paper chains, self imposed...
    he has choices but chooses to wrap himself in chains of
    hardship which can easily be broken.

    ‘Coffee, Tea and Other Beverages’
    Poems about the drinks that take us through our day
    available on Amazon
    Hidden Content


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