My Precious Dead
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  1. #1

    My Precious Dead

    Those that I have loved and lost
    stand in line before me
    confined time
    entwined memories
    I can't erase
    those precious faces
    but I would trade places

    Last night I heard their seductive song
    alluring disturbing my fragile sanity

    This morning I was kissed
    by haunted city sighs
    as I stood on marbled steps
    talking to my dead
    soft whispers in my head

    Life is a razor
    Oh! The pain...
    rotting bouquets is the blade
    that cut my veins...
    Last edited by Firemajic; June 13th, 2018 at 07:34 PM.
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    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Those that I have loved and lost
    stand in line before me
    confined time (Having started the poem with a complete sentence, it
    entwined memories >> doesn't sound right to switch to phrases)
    I can't erase
    those precious faces
    but I would trade places

    Last night I heard their seductive song
    alluring disturbing my fragile sanity

    This morning I was kissed
    by haunted city sighs
    as I stood on marbles steps (marble steps? marbled steps?)
    talking to my dead
    soft whispers in my head

    Life is a razor
    Oh! The pain...
    rotting bouquets is the blade (are the blades)
    that cut my veins...
    I find the poem a little melodramatic. If you zeroed in on just one of the dead people you know, that might make the poem more personal and less general.
    Last edited by Caleb Murdock; June 13th, 2018 at 08:40 AM.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleb Murdock View Post
    I find the poem a little melodramatic. If you zeroed in on just one of the dead people you know, that might make the poem more personal and less general.
    Thank you, Caleb.. This poem is melodramatic.... I am all about the drama I appreciate your comments....
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    I like the poem.


    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Those that I have loved and lost
    stand in line before me
    I don't think you need 'before me'. The rhythm is better without it. After all, they are YOUR dead, so where else would they be standing?
    confined in time
    entwined in memories
    repetition of 'in' reinforces internal location, also adds to cadence.
    I can't erase
    those precious faces
    but I would
    ....... trade places you need a strong breath pause after 'would' for cadence

    Last night I heard, their seductive song
    - again, we don't need to be told that only YOU hear it -- a comma (or space) instead, for the silent beat, makes a stronger image.
    alluring disturbing my fragile sanity (ear) - stick with the concrete. Who the hell knows what sanity is? The adjective 'fragile' says more that 'sanity' does.

    This morning I was kissed
    by haunted city sighs
    as I stood on marbled steps
    talking to my (*) dead - (*) here is where the right adjective would kick this poem into the top row. What kind of dead are they? Only you know. This adjective could enhance the entire poem.
    soft whispers in my head

    Life is a razor
    Oh! The pain...
    rotting bouquets is the blade
    that cut my veins... - it's a stretch but 'rotting bouquets' could be seen as a single thing. Although, you might cut the ambiguity some and make it 'a rotting bouquet'. So then, it's either 'blades that cut" , or "blade that cuts"

  5. #5
    F~ This comes from the "Mistress of Gloom", Lisa's sobriquet for me from some years back. I would not say that this poem is operatic. It's more like an aria within - one voice resounding emotional freight, daring to sing to an audience who never paid for a ticket. This kind of bravery is realized in all of your work.

    "alluring disturbing" makes a haunting statement. We're seduced by what baffles us in the dark of self.
    Last night I heard their seductive song
    alluring disturbing my fragile sanity
    Simply marvelous. The tenderness, safety of morning compared to the danger of a city - implied "night".
    This morning I was kissed
    by haunted city sighs
    This last stanza is the strongest, as a close should be. Caleb has made some good grammatical suggestions. I do not want to suggest a change in wording for L3. Just too good. Loving the slants, images. So how about this....
    Life is a razor
    Oh! The pain...
    a rotting bouquets is the blade
    that cuts my veins...
    Engulfing poem. S~
    Last edited by SilverMoon; June 14th, 2018 at 06:24 AM.
    "Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass."Chekhov

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Those that I have loved and lost
    stand before me
    confined in time
    entwined in memories
    I can't erase
    those precious faces
    but I would
    trade places

    Last night their seductive song
    allured disturbed my fragile fašade


    This morning I was kissed
    by haunted city sighs
    as I stood on marbled steps

    talking to my dead***** I wanted to say "Talking to my precious dead... but I already used that in the title....

    soft whispers in my head


    Oh! The pain...
    life's razor cut my vein...






    Thank you, TL .... I have edited according to your suggestions, but I am still working on this...
    Last edited by Firemajic; June 14th, 2018 at 01:19 PM.
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    F~ This comes from the "Mistress of Gloom", Lisa's sobriquet for me from some years back. I would not say that this poem is operatic. It's more like an aria within - one voice resounding emotional freight, daring to sing to an audience who never paid for a ticket. This kind of bravery is realized in all of your work.

    "alluring disturbing" makes a haunting statement. We're seduced by what baffles us in the dark of self.

    Simply marvelous. The tenderness, safety of morning compared to the danger of a city - implied "night".

    This last stanza is the strongest, as a close should be. Caleb has made some good grammatical suggestions. I do not want to suggest a change in wording for L3. Just too good. Loving the slants, images. So how about this....


    Engulfing poem. S~
    Dear Laurie, thank you for your kind words, I appreciate that you picked up on some of the subtle nuances... I struggle to express myself ... my words stumble, and are inadequate in my effort to share my overwhelming emotions...

    I have more dead loved ones, than living...my precious dead...
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  8. #8
    WF Veteran midnightpoet's Avatar
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    I like this, it carries you to the brink of the abyss but leaves you there, toes on the edge, leaving an eternal mystery. Good job.

    Tony
    "I pray that I not miswrite thee"

    Chaucer

    "There are four and twenty ways
    to practice tribal lays
    and every single one of them is right."

    Kipling

    "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

    Shakespeare's Hamlet

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post

    I have more dead loved ones, than living...
    This may be the key to modifying ‘dead’ in L4,S3

  10. #10
    You can't beat a death poem, alas.

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