Numb Momentum Moment
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  1. #1

    Numb Momentum Moment

    Two steps forward, one step back
    Turn the corner, round the track
    Pace is lagging, pick up the slack

    Places passed are coming back
    How many times? Hard to keep track
    Two steps forward, one step back

    Worn lanes split by weathered cracks
    White lines crossing asphalt black
    Places passed are coming back

    Lone runner trails and leads the pack
    Rhythmic breathes, repeating laps
    Worn lanes split by weathered cracks

    Pace is lagging, pick up the slack
    Gaining ground, on the attack
    Lone runner trails and leads the pack

    Two steps forward, one step back
    Last edited by andrewclunn; June 19th, 2018 at 04:37 AM.

  2. #2
    As someone who prefers formal poetry to free verse, I should know what form this is, but I don't.

    Since you've decided to rhyme all the lines, the one line that doesn't have a perfect rhyme ("laps") stands out. Perhaps you could rhyme only the first and third line of each stanza; that way, you'd have more flexibility in coming up with line endings.

    This line -- "Lone runner both trails and leads the pack" -- has such a different rhythm from the other lines that it stands out too much. It's too long.

    This poem effectively reminded me of the feeling of running on various tracks in my youth, so I think it is effective.

  3. #3
    I liked the breathless pace you set, it enhances your message, and the repeating lines works well to set the tone of being trapped unable to move forward... "places passed are coming back"... 'two steps forward, one step back"... seems like at times it is impossible to leave the past behind... I enjoyed the read, thank you
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

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  4. #4
    I like the recurring moments.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleb Murdock View Post
    As someone who prefers formal poetry to free verse, I should know what form this is, but I don't.
    Nor do I. I've haphazardly recreated several forms by mistake in the past. This may be that, or it might be original (no idea). I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

  6. #6
    Andrew, this form is already knocking on the door of a "Villanelle" It could easily be make into one:

    Villanelle

    A villanelle is a 19-line poem, made up of five tercets and a concluding quatrain. Lines may be of any length, but are often written in iambic pentameter and follow an ABA rhyme scheme. The villanelle also employs line repetition. The first line of the first stanza is repeated as the last line in the second and fourth stanzas, and as the penultimate line in the final quatrain. The third line of the first stanza is repeated as the last line in the third and fifth stanzas, and as the last line in the final quatrain.

    The structure and rhyme scheme of the villanelle is as follows:

    A1
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1

    A
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1

    A
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1
    A2

    An example of a villanelle:

    Do not go gentle into that good night, by Dylan Thomas

    Do not go gentle into that good night, (A1)
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day; (B)
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (A2)

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right, (A)
    Because their words had forked no lightning they (B)
    Do not go gentle into that good night. (A1)

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright (A)
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, (B)
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (A2)

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, (A)
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, (B)
    Do not go gentle into that good night. (A1)

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight (A)
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, (B)
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (A2)

    And you, my father, there on the sad height, (A)
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. (B)
    Do not go gentle into that good night. (A1)
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (A2)

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