volta
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Thread: volta

  1. #1

    volta

    revision

    he put his foot down
    i showed him the door
    before he raised his hand



    he put his foot down
    I left
    before he raised his hand
    Last edited by astroannie; June 17th, 2018 at 04:01 AM. Reason: Murphy's cliche
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  2. #2
    Member CrimsonAngel223's Avatar
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    Awesome piece! Nothing more to say.
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  3. #3
    Short but powerful. Am I missing something in the title? (I get stuck on the Swedish word, meaning to flip)

  4. #4
    "flip" is a more violent view... I would say "turn"
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  5. #5
    the poem starts and ends with a cliche' which works, if you put a cliche in the middle

    he put his foot down
    I showed him my ass
    before he raised his hand

  6. #6
    Astroannie - What a sobering smack in the poetic face! I absolutely loved it. Namyh

  7. #7
    Looks like nice haiku to me, maybe I'm wrong about the haiku nature of this peace...?

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Ken11 View Post
    Looks like nice haiku to me, maybe I'm wrong about the haiku nature of this peace...?
    Welcome to the poetry board. I appreciate that you see the three breaths in what I wrote. You have keen vision. However, the piece is about humanity, rather than nature, so I'm not sure it can be called haiku with any accuracy. Also, I gave it a title, which may not be in keeping with the Japanese short forms. I'm back to post a revision that may be more of a senryu ... I'd welcome your thoughts.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

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