Orange City: The triangle (part 3)


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  1. #1

    Orange City: The triangle (part 3)

    A few weeks have gone by since the dreadful events at the famous building. Gerald could not take them as lightly as the other families, and had been making plans of retribution; he was sitting at the edge of his wooden desk, while blowing clouds of smoke through his nostrils like an ancient mythical dragon.
    “The reason I’ve gathered you all here today is…” He started to rub his goatee, and then panned his eyes across the room scanning the anxious faces of his five guests. Each one of them was the head of one of the five major families in North Orange City. Although these gentlemen are in their upper ages they have a myriad of loot and man-power.
    “I’ve gathered you all here today because...I’ve figured out—how we can solve our common problem.” He said.
    “Well out with it. How long, will you keep us waiting?” Barzo snapped. He was a man who looked rigorously feverish, but he would always muster enough strength to snarl at everyone. Marcos crept across the room to Gerald and whispered something into his ear, while Louis walked to the window behind Gerald’s desk and opened it. Then everyone heard the loud sports bikes, which were circling outside the front gate.
    “Good, the boy is here, let’s get started.” Gerald expressed this exuberantly. Meanwhile, downstairs by the gate, Luke and his crew took off their helmets and left them on their motorcycles. When they arrived at the front gate, they were stopped by the guards and only Luke was allowed to go in after being stripped of his weapon.
    “You know where to go.” One of the guards mentioned rudely, while pointing his finger towards the upper floor of the house.
    “Let’s do this.” Luke replied carelessly. Once inside, he decided to lurk towards his father’s living room instead, and that was where he noticed a baby picture of himself by the entertainment center.
    It was a tranquil photo which captured a tender moment of his mother lying on a hospital bed, she was holding him very carefully in her arms, while Gerald was standing adjacent to their bedside.
    “Your mother…she was very beautiful.” Gerald said, as he now stood in the dark hallway of his mansion.
    “I know.” Luke replied emotionally. After a brief moment Gerald commented,
    “Meeting’s upstairs.” Then he graciously walked away. When everyone had finally gathered back into his office, Gerald proceeded to continue his earlier statements.
    “In all my years of doing business—I’ve never seen things get so bad. We have...a code of ethics that we follow. Asakura does not.”
    “Well, let’s hear your so called plan.” Barzo retorted. Gerald smirked, then he walked towards his window and faced it for a brief moment. When he turned back around he was exuding a benevolent expression.
    “When I was a boy...” He continued.
    “When I was a boy my parents were really poor—so my father worked the mill to put food on our table. Then one day he bought a small house, only to find out it was infested with rats later. My mother and baby sister were deathly afraid of ‘em. I didn’t much care. But my father…he felt guilty. He wanted to provide for us, not make us live in our worst nightmares.
    So...one night, he went out and bought a few traps to kill ‘em. Now most of them worked, with the exception of one rat. A real big one. It was clever too—everything my father tried could not stop it. So one evening, he came home all broken up. My mother had already put food on the table, but when he decided to join us he looked...gloomy.
    ‘What’s wrong’ she kept asking. No reply. Suddenly, he got up and swept everything clean off the table! My mother screamed, and then left the kitchen in horror. Soon after, he made my sister and I leave too. Once outside, I got curious so I went back to peek into the dining room through a rear window.
    I saw the giant rat coming out from its hole to eat from the scraps. I’ll never forget this, but my father, he was creeping behind it with a shotgun. Then BOOM.” He said. After his statement, Gerald starred a while at the gentlemen awaiting for a response, but for a brief period they were silent.
    “Where can I buy that shotgun?” Luke asked jokingly.
    “Well if you’re implying that we shoot down Asakura it’ll be impossible. She’s got a whole army to protect her.” Lenard said. He wore a very aged look on his face, along with balding white hair.
    “We’ve got to lure her out.” Gerald replied with a big smile.
    “How?”
    “I need to use everyone’s resources, it's the only way to stop her along with her clan. I’ve already paid off the police, tonight they will not interfere.”
    A few hours have gone by and Asakura was sitting at a table in her Asian diner with a young girl at the age of six.
    “It's always good to eat all of your food.” She said. The child shook her head to respond.
    “You have to eat a lot, so you can grow up to be strong. Then you will not need anything from a man. They are all snakes and they will bite you at the first chance that they get. You need to be independent. Do you understand me?” She asked. Then the girl shook her head to say yes.
    Suddenly, Lee came busting into the diner through a side door, and he ran towards Asakura with an alarming expression.
    “We have a big problem.” He cried. Asakura got up at once to address the situation, but first she kissed the girl goodbye. A few blocks away at her second diner; Asakura’s henchmen were sitting down— aloofly, while eating a hot meal on the front porch by the city streets.
    Luke and his gang were riding on their sports bikes when they pulled over next to them. He jumped off his red motorcycle and quickly dashed over to where they sat. He had an M16 rifle strapped to his back, which he rapidly pulled over his shoulder and took aim.
    “What do you want?” One of the henchmen asked fearfully.
    “It’s time for a little payback. Now up you go.” He replied. Luke and his gang kidnapped them, and then took them to an alley behind the diner. They made all of them face the scummy brick wall, then Luke and his crew cocked their weapons.
    “Salute the devil for me.” He said. A hailstorm of bullets came flying out of their guns, turning Asakura’s men into a bloody massacre. Their bodies laid silently in a pool of blood and gunsmoke. Luke started celebrating, crying out loudly like a wild man. Then his pal Chase, a young kid with flowing hair, reached over to him,
    “We can’t stay here long. She is sure to send more goons in retaliation. Your father wants us to attack a few more of her drug spots across the city.” After his comment, Luke looked at him with a shocked expression.
    “Listen, I don’t care about the old man and his freaking plans. We do what I say we do. You got that?”
    “...Yea.”
    “Good, now I say we go in there and have some fun. This is one of Asakura’s drug spots right? Well how about we take some for ourselves and then go through her stash. You wanna get paid don’t ya?”
    “Yes. I didn’t think of it that way,”
    “No. Ya didn’t. Remember, we’re the wolves so let’s go get some sheep.” They went inside despite Gerald’s strict orders not to. Meanwhile, Lee and Asakura were going over their plans.
    “All of our drug spots across Orange City are getting hit. What should we do?”
    “Send in some reinforcements!”
    “Well if we do that then our defenses here will be weaker...and more vulnerable to enemy attacks.”
    “We’re going to fight back. I refuse to let our people die. We will keep our best men here to guard the base and send out the rest.”
    “Yes ma’am” Lee replied. She sent out her crew, and within a few moments three black cars pulled up in front of her main base. Marcos got out with a squad of goons. They were dressed in black suits and armed with oozies. They gathered towards the front entrance and cocked their firearms, then they let loose.
    They sprayed their bullets and disintegrated the building; breaking every window, every item on the tables, including plates and coffee mugs, they even destroyed all the bottles by the bar. Everything inside the diner was dressed with bullet holes. Once the smoke cleared up Asakura’s henchmen came out from beneath cover and responded with their own guns. Marcos and the rest of his comrades ducked for cover. In the meantime, Asakura and Lee were downstairs in her garage. They got inside of an armored truck and headed for the road.
    Marcos was crawling on the ground until he got to the trunk of his car, he pulled out a small black box and opened it. He took out a grenade and launched it into the diner, a huge explosion took place. The smoke from the fiery inferno covered the sky.
    Within moments Asakura drove up to them. Lee was in control of the machine gun so she ordered him to blast away. The truck’s gun shot right through all of the cars, and whatever person survived the cross fire—she ran them over. Gerald, however, had been soaring malevolently in the skies above inside of a militarized helicopter. When he finally caught sight of Asakura’s truck, she was driving furiously towards her second diner. Luke and his gang were still inside.
    He was standing on the counter by the cash register while throwing money into the air; some of his guys were drinking and smoking cigars. A few were messing with the hostages they held inside. Buck, a skinny guy with a missing tooth, approached one of the females and was trying to kiss her.
    But Chase was the one who noticed Asakura’s truck down the road and pointed it out,
    “Guys!” He said. Asakura’s truck fired a tiny rocket inside the diner and the building blew up immediately. Gerald was in shock, and stared painfully at the current scene. But he also used that opportunity to order his gunner to fire several rockets unto her truck, creating a small crater in the process.
    After a long while and after searching through all the bodies, both Asakura and Luke were pronounced dead. Gerald was mourning over his son’s early death. Many people died that day, and now Gerald was claiming he wanted out of the business. He didn’t want anymore bloodshed, it cost him too much.
    “What are we going to do?” Louis asked.
    “Today...today we celebrate. All my enemies are dead.”
    “And tomorrow?”
    “I’m out for good.” They flew away.
    Last edited by rickyknight1; July 9th, 2018 at 07:45 PM. Reason: Revised

  2. #2
    Hi ricky. I gave a first draft of a book one time to a dear friend and after reading it, she told me I had enough info for three books, so I needed to weed. LOL. This piece reminds me of that. You have so much information, so many names and roles they play in this work that I think you need to pare down a little on both action and people, stretch it out.

    The story itself seems to be very interesting and I like the energy, but the SPAGs are distracting. There should be a space between paragraphs and there were a lot of gaps in the action.

    Asakura’s henchmen came out from beneath cover and responded with their own firearms, they shot their automatics at lightning speed. Marcos and the rest of his comrades ducked for cover. In the meantime, Lee and Asakura were downstairs in her basement. They got inside of an armored truck and headed for the road. (How did the get inside an armored truck from the basement?)

    Marcos crawled on the floor ground until he got to the trunk of his car, he pulled out a small black box and opened it. He took out a grenade and launched it into the Ddiner (diner should not be capitalized). thenA huge explosion took place. The smoke from the fiery inferno covered the sky.

    Within moments Asakura drove up to them. Lee was in control of the machine gun so she ordered him to blast away. It eliminated everything in their path. Whatever person survived she ran them over. (How did anyone survive if the blast "eliminated everything in their path?)

    Gerald was soaring in the skies above in a militarized helicopter. He finally caught sight of Asakura’s truck and she was driving towards her second Diner with Luke and his gang still inside.
    I don't know what your goals are for this. Is it a WIP? I think you could make a couple of chapters out of what you have here. Try reading this out loud and you will see where things need to slow down a bit.

    Keep writing, Ricky. Looks promising.
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by SueC View Post
    Hi ricky. I gave a first draft of a book one time to a dear friend and after reading it, she told me I had enough info for three books, so I needed to weed. LOL. This piece reminds me of that. You have so much information, so many names and roles they play in this work that I think you need to pare down a little on both action and people, stretch it out.

    The story itself seems to be very interesting and I like the energy, but the SPAGs are distracting. There should be a space between paragraphs and there were a lot of gaps in the action.



    I don't know what your goals are for this. Is it a WIP? I think you could make a couple of chapters out of what you have here. Try reading this out loud and you will see where things need to slow down a bit.

    Keep writing, Ricky. Looks promising.
    Thanks for the edit. This is as you said, the first draft, not sure if you read parts one and two?

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    Thanks for the edit. This is as you said, the first draft, not sure if you read parts one and two?
    Revised (7/6/201

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