Andie's Mountain Deux


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Thread: Andie's Mountain Deux

  1. #1
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Andie's Mountain Deux

    .


    I thought I would start a new thread in case some who have visited my other thread lost interest.


    Here is a new chapter that I hope will receive more great critique as the other one did.
    Baggypants is the antagonist and educates his community and does them a great service (in his own mind).

    Chapter ?


    It was the time of year when the forest was in bloom. Flowers were opening, young birds were learning to fly; the blueberries were ripe, the forest was alive with activity. The caterpillars were emerging from their cocoons, the ants and grasshoppers were hard at work and the blueberries were ripe.

    Yes, the blueberries were ripe. And, did I mention?... The blueberries were ripe!!

    Mr. Baggypants walked up the trail toward Andie, "Fine day, fine day..." He said to Andie, "...for a contest." he finished his sentence.

    "What is a contest?" Andie asked.

    "It's a challenge, a game, a test to see who's best. I have chosen an activity I think I can beat you at, and at this activity you shall lose to me, the one who beat you." Mr. Baggypants rudely explained.

    Andie was not going to let Mr. Baggypants think he was afraid, "I accept!" he said, a little more loudly than he had intended. It was then that Andie realized that he didn't know what the contest was. It didn't matter though, Andie was determined to try.

    Mr. Baggypants explained: "It is to see who can pick the most blueberries in one hour and bring them back here. And, when we finish our contest, we can have a little picnic. We'll share our blueberries equally and rest from our exercise."

    "Done and done." Andie agreed. Actually it sounded like fun to Andie. Andie was faster but Mr. Baggypants can carry more berries at once.

    So the race was on, Andie had an advantage because of his speed and soon found a patch of blueberries. He worried that Mr.Baggypants knew the forest better than Andie since he has lived here his whole life.

    "He probably doesn't have as far to run." Andie thought to himself.

    Andie ran back and forth as fast as he could and his pile of blueberries grew, and grew.

    An hour is a long time when you are running at full speed, but it did pass and Andie slumped down by his big pile of berries exhausted.
    Andie realized that he hadn't checked on how Mr. Baggypants had been doing, but there he was, slowly walking up thetrail. His tongue and cheeks were blue and he was carrying one blueberry in each of his hands.

    "You did splendidly my quick young bunny. "Mr. Baggypants said, "I do believe that you are definitely the winner. As I said, we shall split our blueberries equally and I am a raccoon of my word. Here, I'll give you half of my efforts." and handed Andie one blueberry. "Now, let's see how many you picked."

    Andie's mouth hung open in disbelief. This had all been a trick. Andie worked so hard and only gets to eat half of his own berries, PLUS ONE!!

    But all Andie could think to say was..."BEAT YOU!!"

  2. #2
    Hi UD. I liked this little tale. It was very compelling and I think one children would enjoy. I wonder, though, how it would read if you made Mr Baggypants the narrator.

    It was the time of year when the forest was in bloom. Flowers were opening, young birds were learning to fly; the blueberries were ripe. , tThe forest was alive with activity. The cCaterpillars were emerging from their cocoons, the ants and grasshoppers were hard at work and the blueberries were ripe.

    Yes, the blueberries were ripe. And, did I mention?... The blueberries were ripe!!

    Mr. BaggypantsI walked up the trail toward Andie, "Fine day, fine day..." He I said to Andie, "...for a contest." he finished his sentence.
    You do not identify who the "I" is in the second paragraph, so that's what got me to thinking that the chapter might work better if it was in the raccoon's POV.

    Andie was not going to let Mr. Baggypants me think he was afraid, "I accept!" he said, a little more loudly than he probably had intended.
    I think if you make it first person, you may find a closer kinship with Mr. Baggypants for your readers. This is just a suggestion! LOL. Otherwise, there were no SPaGs to speak of, nothing else to comment on, except a few run-on sentences. Really liked the tone of the writing, the interactions were good.

    Keep going!
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  3. #3
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Why thank you Sue.
    If you get to know me at all, I see myself as an ideas guy and hopefully a humorist.
    But I have no training or education. A lot of logic but not enough to grasp what you writers here take for granted.

    Now Andie is the main character, I'll post a chapter after I reply to you that will show that his interactions are more important than Baggy's.
    Baggy is an antagonist. He cons the other animals so that they can benefit from his knowledge of the forest, he's 'forest smart'.
    But overall, it's a book with subtle lateral thinking.

    Here is Baggy' character description:

    The raccoon is crafty but not sneaky. He loves life and is smart. He tricks animals but he thinks they deserve it. If they can they can be fooled, it's because they need to learn new things and be smarter. He is educating the young readers with his perspective, He is providing a service to his neighbors for blueberries in payment. He's street smart but not a thug. I don't want negative cultural images, I prefer fresh-faced enthusiasm when appropriate, and when they are sad, I want it to inspire empathy with the reader. The raccoon redeems himself when he saves the bunny's life at the end of the book.
    If you look at my profile, say "Hi!" But not in a creepy way.

  4. #4
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    Last edited by Underd0g; June 13th, 2018 at 04:03 AM.
    If you look at my profile, say "Hi!" But not in a creepy way.

  5. #5
    Another good story!

    Keep in mind that everything here is "published". If you're planning to have this traditionally published, ask that your stories be moved to the prose workshop, which is protected from guests (anyone not logged in) and search engines.

    These stories have potential as both independent picture books for young readers, and a chap book.

    This one needs a bit more polish than the other two I read today, but still quite good!

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