welcome homeless

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  1. #1

    welcome homeless





    welcome homeless

    by musichal



    cold
    alone
    and freezing
    vast wilderness
    asleep on a bench
    we call it Shitty Park
    herded here by city Heat
    they gather at the fallen one
    staring, eyes frozen, and say to us,
    move along, folks, there's nothing to see here





    How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
    Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
    Creep into our ears: soft stillness and the night
    Become the touches of sweet harmony.

    - Shakespeare,
    Merchant...Act 5


  2. #2
    Etheree...Ah. I was going to suggest switching vast and freezing, but form prohibits the switch. To the reader's ear freezing vast sounds awkward, akin to tock tick or up hicc...Other than that, great imagery, solid theme. Excellent tone.


  3. #3
    Interesting read...
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  4. #4
    Usually, I’m not a fan of shaped poems, which too often sacrifice the right words for the form. They are more difficult to do than appears, and you’ve done this one well.

    My ear tells me you might consider switching order of last words:

    move along, folks, there’s nothing here to see

  5. #5


    This is the sort of poem worthy of a bookmark.
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by sas View Post
    Usually, I’m not a fan of shaped poems, which too often sacrifice the right words for the form. They are more difficult to do than appears, and you’ve done this one well.

    My ear tells me you might consider switching order of last words:

    move along, folks, there’s nothing here to see
    Stylistically, I agree with your assessment and suggestion. In fact, I changed it back and forth a couple times before posting. In the end, I thought the way I left it seemed more cop-like, for whatever reason. Good eye on your part.

    How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
    Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
    Creep into our ears: soft stillness and the night
    Become the touches of sweet harmony.

    - Shakespeare,
    Merchant...Act 5


  7. #7
    A quality piece that says what it needs to say very well.


  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by andrewclunn View Post


    This is the sort of poem worthy of a bookmark.
    Or a pyramid tea bag.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkkin View Post
    Etheree...Ah. I was going to suggest switching vast and freezing, but form prohibits the switch. To the reader's ear freezing vast sounds awkward, akin to tock tick or up hicc...Other than that, great imagery, solid theme. Excellent tone.
    Imagine (in a) before vast, and note vast freezing is not on the same line. I wanted the paradox of how the heart of a metropolis becomes vast wilderness to the homeless. You are trying to make it a sentence; simply pause after freezing. Works well for me. And thank you for the kind comments, as well as the critique where we may agree to disagree without guile.

    My checkered past includes three days of homelessness, waiting for a check to come in after being young and foolish with my money. Yes, you (the general you, not Darrkin) may scoff, but it was three miserable days, and I was befriended by several peers whose motives were not completely ulterior. Bus routes, best free food, hangouts with climate control, a cot if lucky. Slipped into a public gazebo one night and slept on a wooden bench without getting accosted by the law; woke up cold at 0300... a looong morning. Had my fill of that after three days, but just that taste of it makes me a bleeding-heart liberal for the plight. One of the biggest problems is where to keep your stuff.

    How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
    Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
    Creep into our ears: soft stillness and the night
    Become the touches of sweet harmony.

    - Shakespeare,
    Merchant...Act 5


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